A Twig's Life

I have a pretty big stick pile.

Leaf litter is slowly starting to accumulate around the house because I have "ideas".  I have lots of ideas...  Like any good hoarder, I see potential in scraps and find myself defending their storage.  As long as I do something with them, then they amount to more than trash matter, right? Or that's what I tell myself.  The truth is, I have a vision and that vision is generously being fostered by the fine folks at Knoll Farm where I am proud to announce I've been awarded a Better Selves Fellowship spot this August!  I am beyond excited!!!!!

My fingers are crossed that I make it to this Vermont refuge.  You never know the challenges when it comes to dementia caregiving, and deciding now that I will attend, will ultimately be determined in the hours, maybe even in the minutes before my departure.  But for fun, lets just go with it and assume I am going.  I am going!!! 

The fellowship is a nurtured self study of sorts.  Everyone attending will be on their own journey yet together, as a community, we will help each other achieve our goals.  My goal will be spoon related but more specifically I want to focus on carving.  And I don't just mean technique, although, I do hope to acquire new skills.  I want dive deeper into the other aspects of carving like knife care and sharpening but also the spiritual side.  I want to explore the intention, the meditation... 

“There is something healing in the process of making a tool with your own hands.”

I've long thought carving was meditative.  There is something healing in the process of making a tool with your own hands.  It's a placeholder for empowerment, slowly revealing that applied effort produces results and that ultimately, you can in fact do whatever you set your mind to.  It's so easy to surrender to hopelessness but the act of carving always provides a renewed perspective.  With each shaving you are reminded that you're closer than you think, a small echo in your head, akin to a mantra, tells you "keep going".  

As the shape begins to reveal itself, so do all the metaphors.  The "handle" usually appears first.  It's the comfort zone in skill development but then you get to the "neck" and the "bowl".  As with any neck, it's fragile.  You must maneuver delicately or risk breaking it, and I'm reminded of the similarities between these moments and life.  You go on thinking you have a "handle" on things only to realize at some point, your burdens are nearing a breaking point.  It (or you) might snap under the stress without care.  It's a reminder to nurture sensitive areas, a case not to neglect self-care... Then you get to the "bowl".  Perhaps you jump around while carving the spoon but I find the bowl to be one of that last areas of attack.  My students often avoid it till the end.  There is a different technique involved and it requires a different knife but non-the-less it's a critical component to making a spoon a spoon.  It's actually the single most identifiable trait of the spoon yet on the carver's journey, it's often left to the end.  

It's always an interesting pause at this point.  Questions arise as to what things we are avoiding in life?  What single task, if just accomplished, would make a considerable impact in how our days are lived?  What techniques or tools are missing so you can move beyond this block? Wait. Are we talking mental block or block of wood?  It's hard to keep up with the narratives...

I wish I could explain better the thoughts I have on this whole topic.  It's hard to write about carving and a general summery feels impossible.  I have so much to say but can't seem to organized the words for a reader and partly I think the words escape me because so much feeling is at play.  So much is left unsaid here and it's a huge part of why I will do whatever it takes to get to the Knoll Farm refuge and participate in the Better Selves Fellowship.  I know something there is waiting for me.  The mantra keeps telling me "just come"...

A Rhyme Within Reason

Is it just me, or are we all searching for something?  And by something I mean it in that grander, life's purpose kind-of way that has us all itching for a magic key that unlocks contentment. Contentment, different from "settled" yet settled in a way that allows the passing of each day feel gratifying, accomplished and with the favor of satisfaction that feels like we have earned it.  This is an annoying and haunting itch that scratches away reason and leaves a paranoid residue that times-a-wastin'.

I feel like I have spent so much time chasing down dreams, anxious to get on to the next thing only to wind-up lost and confused as I circle back to some original thought that I have long but abandoned.  And now, as I transition into this role of "caretaker" this cyclical pattern repeats, again, only this time distraction waits at a distance.  Without the flurry of my life's former routine I am forced to address circumstance while equally measuring possibility against the culmination of my experiences, skills, and abilities.  

I know I am smart.  This confusion isn't a matter of insecurities.  I have an undergraduate degree in Human Development and Learning from East Tennessee State University.  I have a master's degree in Central and Eastern European Studies from the prestigious Jagiellonian University in Krakow, Poland with a concentration in social transformation.  I am a Certified Natural Chef thanks to the Nutrition Therapy Institute and upon graduation landed an amazing gig with the Sea Education Association.  There has been no shortage of education or adventure, so like I said, my floundering is not a matter of insecurities. 

All of these things stack nicely in the job department but when you are a caregiver it doesn't matter much.  That dream job within grasp is an illusion because obligations on the home-front come first.  Try explaining that to your would-be employer.  Can you tell I have entered a deep pondering phase?   And it's one thing to ponder the future but it's quite another to give up on those dreams (aka: Grain & Grain) when the reality of this life and this moment, is the cage I must learn to live in.  There is no fun in dreaming dreams that hold no possibility and this is one of the biggest crimes against caring for someone with Alzheimer's and Dementia.  

As a caregiver, it's dangerous to believe in your own ideas because fantasies can break you.  I don't want to see the marketing materials full of smiling faces at assisted living centers or rehab hospitals or any other misguided sales pitch.  I want reality!  I want to see the real life of this disease like the moments captured by Upside Down Daughter.  Show me how bad it can get so I can understand my own capacity and develop a measure for when I need help.  I need to establish my own foundation and understand where it is weak.

The future is bleak for so many reasons but maybe those are projections too?  Maybe the face of pain is actually one of strength and all that work you managed prior to this moment is the foundation for a better you?  A foundation for a future that you are still building and doesn't need to make sense now because it's just the ground layer but its the work necessary to stabilize your future.  If I circle back to 17 years ago that Human Development and Learning degree really laid some ground work.  What at the time seemed the fastest exit strategy from college is now a tool for understanding aging, an interest I guess I have had all along.  That chef certification is used constantly and when combined with the human development knowledge I realize, maybe there is a place for me to help explain diet and age related illnesses.  Maybe social transformation exists within social media and these things are all working together to create my purpose?  Maybe Grain & Grain, my budding business idea of artisan bread baking and wooden spoon carving isn't a dream to abandon, but a passion to explore within the context of my current circumstance? 

What if we don't need to have everything all figured out? What if the quest for purpose isn't something you happen upon, but instead becomes you?  Like with carving spoons, life experience is a tool in the making, taking shape little by little until you have a handle on things and destiny is the dessert, a dessert you created yourself and is sweeter than ever.  Is this self care?  I don't know. I certainly don't have things figured out but as I listen in the stillness and try and calm the restlessness I have moments where I can reflect on my trajectory and I start to wonder if maybe, just maybe...I have arrived?