How To Feed A Sailor

So, if you are following along with my story of Life After Caregiving for parents with Alzheimer’s and dementia in the pandemic era (see previous post), then you know that I am currently mid quarantine with some fellow crew members of the SSV Corwith Cramer. We have a few more days until we board the ship and my time has been spent preparing the food order for our month long voyage around the coast of Florida. I get lots of questions about the provisioning process and meal planning, so I thought I’d share a bit of what that’s like.

First I should mention the process of provisioning. Since I am typically providing three meals and three snacks a day for 30+ people, loading the ship with the necessary amount of food for a six week voyage is no short undertaking. Typically we work with a local supplier that delivers the provisions to the dock where the crew and I spend the entire day stowing it throughout the ship. While the crew works mostly on removing the excess packaging and sorting it by categories, I’m typically loading the freezer and reefer ( the boat refrigerator) in some semblance of organization. I say semblance because the volume of food we must carry results in a major packing effort. As much I hope to have specific zones for supplies, it’s often several weeks before the food has thinned out and I can reach for specific items. Until that point, it’s somewhat chaotic. What I mean by that is, meal “planning” consists primarily of items that aren’t easily accessible. The last thing I want is an avalanche of food descending upon me as I try to retrieve ingredients so my game plan tends to be “make whatever I can reach work” because just getting to the reefer/freeze is eventful.

What do I mean by eventful? Well, there is an element of gymnastic/ yoga involved when it comes to managing the galley territory. Items are stored in tight places and hard to reach spots. My day to day work routine is exhausting and beginning around 4:45 AM every morning, I make my way down this galley hatch which is literally a hole in the galley floor (aka sole) that leads to dry stores which houses the reefer and freezer. Now, I realize these aren’t the best of photos but hopefully they provide you with a sense of what’s involved. Every time I need to get something from either the reefer or the freezer I must crawl through this hatch, collect the items and climb back up. Unfortunately, the space below is only about 5 feet high so I also must manage an awkward posture while I’m down there, and remain vigilant not to bump my head. The engineers and I have had many-a-conversations about head banging. It’s a painful yet bonding experience that brings our two departments together forever! #LOVE

This brings me to the reefer and freezer themselves. I mention above that meal “planning” is somewhat out of question because they are both so full when we depart that it’s just unrealistic to assume you will easily find a particular item. Rather, I just grab whatever’s in front because, as you can see in the freezer photo below, there is not much space to maneuver things. (Sorry about the photo quality. I don’t have many shots of this kind of stuff.)

Just based on what I can see in this photo, I’d probably make something like:

• Breakfast: Blueberry danishes made with puff pastry (which is what I think is in that white box) and some orange juice cause there is a carton of it sitting in the door frame.

• Lunch: That bag of veggie burgers with roasted potatoes or something? I’d have to make some burger buns to go with them and any gluten free folks would get that Udi’s bread you can see sticking out up top.

• Dinner: Salmon fillets with whatever veg is accessible in the reefer.

• Snack: English muffin pizzas cause they are right on top and there is a huge bag of cheese right at the door.

This is a typical freezer situation when starting out on a six week voyage.

It’s not the most excited menu but as you can imagine, time erodes the supplies. This makes my life easier as the space opens up allowing me to shuffle items around and enabling more creativity with the things at hand. After about two to three weeks at sea I am able to “dig” for items that I know are I packed in certain areas. The issue at that point is the movement of the boat as items then have a tendency to move around. In addition to banging my head, my hands are vulnerable to being pinched between frozen meats and milk crates. Eek!

I should also mention that this is just the storage of fresh and frozen food items. All the canned goods and sauces and pastas, and cleaning supplies… all that stuff is stored throughout the ship under individual bunks (aka berths or beds on a boat). Again, I don’t have the best photos of this because I’ve been too busy taking sunset pics and not the various holes/cavities of ship storage so bear with me on these images. Below is a shot of my bed. Above is the bed for my cabin roommate. Under my mattress is a piece of wood which can be removed and leads to a space that’s roughly about 3 feet deep by 7 feet long by 3 feet wide and houses all those extra items I mentioned above. These compartments exist under each “lower” bunk throughout the ship and it’s my job to retrieve the necessary items for each meal. I delegate this task as much as possible but it’s safe to say that I am scurrying about the boat constantly throughout the day.

This is where I sleep when I’m on board.

Long story short, food management is a complicated component of sailing. The ordering process is terrifying for anyone that doesn’t love a good spreadsheet. #ME. But then the arrival of the food order several days later is it’s own special nightmare. Getting the food from the dock to their designated spaces requires a “can do” attitude that makes me love the sailing community. There’s a shared misery in getting the boat ready to sail but it’s worth it. There are absolutely trying times. Everything from bad weather, to equipment malfunctioning can ruin your day. The sense of real life urgency is unlike anything I’ve encountered in any other work environments and I find it humbling to be reminded of true priorities. The everyday distractions of life disappear when you are at sea and simple pleasures take over. Grated, my job is physically brutal. The days are long and loaded with challenges that no doubt shape my physical health and emotional character over the course of any voyage. It is however very rewarding to remember what you’re made of which after months of pandemic/caregiving stagnation is an absolute gift. When I head home after a journey I feel I return more confidant. I’m more satisfied with the person I am and grateful for having had the opportunity to explore the world (and myself) in such a unique way. It’s a hearty dose of tough love which can be hard to find in a world without my parents. There are not a lot of people that will deliver the honesty you need to set your life on a course correction but the boat always manages to do that for me. The ship becomes my home and the people aboard become my family. So, I guess the real question isn’t how to feed a senior or a sailor but rather how do you feed a family? It not easy but it’s done with love and I try to bake plenty of that into my meals to nurture everyone aboard until they return to their families and loved-ones.

Come back next Monday for one of my favorite snack recipes to feed hungry sailors!

The SSV Corwith Cramer is operated by the Sea Education Association and sails for science

PS-Sailors LOVE snacks but then again, who doesn’t? Until then, fair winds!

Life After Caregiving During A Pandemic

Hey Folks,

I have an update for ya. After nearly a nine month pause, this gal is headed back out to sea. Yep! This is a true story. Due to all things pandemic, my life after caregiving was postpone. No sooner had I graduated from the six year careship that was my parent’s battle with Alzheimer’s and dementia did a new health care crisis emerge. Covid-19, the ultimate set back. Obviously, all our lives were disrupted thanks to Covid but good gawd… the timing could not have been worse. I know that’s the case for many of us as no one plans for a pandemic but my short reverie as an international jet setter, sailing around the world cooking for the scientists of the future was one hell of a tease. In four short months I sailed the coast of New England and that of New Zealand before becoming sidelined. Again... In the house I just spent six years isolated in as a caregiver.

Early in the pandemic I felt well adjusted to being back home. The old habits and routines came back quickly and as many were struggling with how to deal with their new found time, I was busy cooking and crafting spoons with little difficulty. But as the weeks rolled on, anger brewed. The reality of another indefinite isolation period became a psychological haunt. I felt cheated. Again… of a life I wanted that was perpetually out of reach.. The old sense of defeat was back. Not only was the isolation factor getting to me, I also had the bills of inheriting a home with a huge mortgage, utilities, insurances, and bills of my own. The financial strain along with 6 previous years of unemployment thanks to caregiving was beyond comprehensible. It felt like the universe was pushing me towards a psychotic break. WTF?!!

Fortunately, life has that way of working things out. After months (years?) of wondering what’s next, there is a sliver of light on my horizon. Tomorrow I am setting out once again in an attempt to snatch a piece of that life I want. I’m joining the crew of C-295 for a quarantine period on Big Pine Key before boarding the SSV Corwith Cramer where we’ll undergo a very safe bubble merge with the incoming students before embarking on a month long trip around the Florida coast. (You can read the trip details and see the cruise track here.) It’s perhaps less exotic than past adventure but honestly, this experience couldn’t sound more perfect to me right now. The chance to safely escape everything from post election politics to the endless scrolling on screens for a chance to sail around the coast of my home state is an absolute privilege!

Rosebud, the best little girl there ever was…

I will of course miss my newly beloved Covid-19 foster fail pup Rosebud. She has been the best companion one could have throughout these last few months and it breaks my heart to leave her behind for a bit. Fortunately though, she will be in good hands under the pampered care of my brother whom I’ve drilled repeatedly about ensuring she remains my dog. I must also say how much I shall miss you, as it’s been this community right here that has allowed myself to cope with yet another season of chaos. Your support and encouragement have helped me weather the strangest of storms. I can’t believe how many of you purchased spoons and services over the last several months, helping me truly make ends meet! Your kindness and generosity have sustained me. I can’t believe that I’ve operated this little website as my full-time “employment” for the past eight months and I still own the house and the lights are still on!

In a show of gratitude, I hope to leave you with a few nuggets of fun while I am away. Every Monday I’ll be releasing a new post in this space. Recipes to try, crafty thoughts for your consideration, and of course, Full Moon Baking Club breads to get you through the year. Until then I will leave you with a few photos from my last sailing trip, giving you a little taste of my life at sea. And before you ask, no. I do not cook for a cruise line, nor do I work on a yacht. I cook for the Sea Education Association which operates two brigantine schooners. Trivia nerds should click that brigantine link. Might come in handy. ;)

Fair winds you fine folks! Stay safe this holiday season and I’ll catch-up with you in 2021!

Grilled Eggplant Ramen Bowl

Eggplant and I have a sorted history. I’ve wanted to like it for ages, knowing full well it’s a food rich in nasunin, an antioxidant found in the purple skin that supports brain health. I need all of the nasunin I can get considering both my parents suffered from Alzheimer’s and dementia and yet I’ve struggled to fully embrace the glory that is eggplant. I’ve repeatedly made it with disappointing results but over the last year I’ve explored this vegetable and finally feel we have made peace. After trying a ton of different recipes, grilling it is my new go-to. I kinda like how floppy it gets in some places and crisp in others. Something about the texture makes it right for snacking and any leftovers I can easily be throw into a quick ramen bowl on those days when I’m feeling lazy.

Ingredients

• 1 tbsp fermented black bean paste
• 1 tbsp sesame or olive oil
• 1/2 a lime, juiced
• 1/4 tsp powdered ginger
• 1 tsp chili garlic sauce
• 1 tsp honey
• sesame seeds and scallions for garnishing.

Directions

1. Slice eggplant 1/2 inch thick and lay out on a baking sheet.
2. Sprinkle liberally with salt and let rest for 15 minutes.
3. Flip the eggplant slices over, lightly salt the other sides and let rest for 15 more minutes. This will help draw out the moisture and cook more evenly.
4. Start heating the grill and begin making the marinade by mixing the above ingredients in a bowl or small jar.
5. Shake or stir vigorously to thoroughly combine.
6. With a paper towel, blot the mosture from the sliced eggplant.
7. Brush one side of the eggplant with the marinade and then lay the brushed slices face down on the grill.
8. Brush marinade on the other sides so that both have been sauced.
9. Grill for 4ish minutes and then flip,reapplying any leftover marinade.
10. Flip again, brushing on more marinade as the slices grill.
11. Continue this technique until the eggplant is cooked through and then remove to a platter and top with sesame seeds and scallions.

For Ramen Bowl

1. Make noodles according to package instructions.
2. Add sliced snap peas, a soft boiled egg, and a few pieces of the grilled eggplant.
3. Top with fresh cilantro and a spoonful of chili oil with black beans to finish things off.

That’s it. Simple but delicious. Enjoy!

Life, Loss, and Family Heirlooms

About four months into my caregiver journey I came across this piece of paper in my parents house. Its discovery was painful for so many reason. For one, my mother no longer remembered me. The Alzheimer’s had erased her memory and she no longer recognized me as her daughter. In addition to that cruelty was another sense of loss. The paper was loose. Attached to some token at one point but in discovery, it was merely scrap. Whatever treasure was to be passed down for progeny remains a mystery. The “family heirloom” in my mind is now the paper itself. It’s a modicum of memory thanks to the handwriting; her handwriting, and the awareness that the intent of posterity was cloaked in a mother’s love. I wish I knew what the heirloom was but that piece of paper has become my keepsake.

“Family Heirloom for Ashley Look 10/31/88”

— S. Look

Being thrust into the intense world of caregiving when I was just beginning to understand adulthood, forced me to explore the “value” of things. I was tasked with downsizing our family home (see photos here) and overwhelmed by the decision-making process. Sentimental value can be found in just about any item that sparks a memory and no amount of reading KonMari books will make that magically disappear. Determining worth is discriminatory and decision includes moral hazard. Over the course of my family purge I questioned if I was making mistakes. Would I regret my decisions and later be haunted by the legacy of items no longer in my possession? Without sound guidance from my parents (my father was also suffering from dementia at the time), I was required to sift through their belongings using equal parts Ebay, personal judgement, and observations from weekly garbage days when a neighborhood truck would make the rounds picking up items left out for the trash.

Fast forward a few years and the house has been reclaimed from under the mountain of stuff, much of which was in fact trash. I saved a number of things that were obvious keepsakes and a few less than obvious treasures like the scrap paper above. But mostly I’ve held on to an awareness that the stuff we allow into our space deserves our honor and warrants the right to occupy our attention or time. Stuff is stuff, yet materialism, although fun in a moment, is often a headache later, especially when clouded by sentimentality.

I’ve thought long and hard about lineage and legacy, and the antiquity of our belongings. I’ve often wondered what I’d save of my own belongings if the house was burning down. As a “maker” my mind goes to my spoons. I’d save my work from becoming fuel as these are the things that are my legacy. They are the investments of my labor, my craftsmanship, and time represented in hand. Upon my death my Will might include a beneficiary for the spoons. They are perhaps my most important material items and why right now, I feel moved to right this. Yesterday, I lost one.

My most beloved, hand carved, Applewood spoon that I carved on a farm in Vermont which became the cornerstone of my personal brand and business. It would have been my offering as a family heirloom to the generations that follow.

If I was to leave behind a single heirloom from my life it would be/would have been this spoon. It’s on my business card, it’s my logo, it’s the only one I have refused to sell. It’s made of Applewood from an orchard in Vermont and was carved on the land where I first learned how to spoon carve, a practice that has since become my therapy. Unfortunately it took a tumble yesterday, and broke right at the neck. My brother accidentally bumped the display while moving a shelf (part of the endless house downsizing project) and in that moment knew he had destroyed something of value. Before I even knew what had happened he was alarmed with concern, approaching me with hesitation and repeating “You’re gonna kill me.” Of all the spoons to break, it was my most favorite, the one that represents so much to me…

The heart breaking remains of my most beloved personal treasure. The Applewood spoon which I personally hand carved, took a tumble and broke into two pieces right at the neck.

But of course, stuff is just stuff, and the irony lingers like a cruel reminder that loss and grief are inescapable even after you’ve made your peace. This broken spoon feels like a death in that family which I suspect many won’t understand. But losing the thing that supported me through losing my family hurts, even if it’s an inanimate object. It’s not the spoon but what the spoon represented, and the emotional relationship between hand and craft varies little from the relationship between my parents and their end of life care. It was a very long and grueling, emotional journey and I owe my sanity to spoon carving. Caregiving and end of life care are journeys of the heart, as are stories of birth. This spoon was a beginning and it’s painful to see its end.

I’ve been working on some service related content for this website. I created something for caregivers knowing they are struggling with minimal support. I’ve also created a service for posterity knowing all too well that loved ones are ephemeral. I’ve also been working towards an online spoon carving course and for whatever reason, I can’t seem to finish it. In part I think that’s because spoon carving is my self-care and so many wounds remain fresh. It’s difficult to discuss how to carve spoons when the why feels more important. How do I convey the how of “healing” when grief runs eternal? Stay tuned however because I do plan to complete it. At the heart of any spoon is the bowl, and the stress in what it carries is the neck. The irony is the reminder that it’s time to get back to it, keeping a handle on the chaos of time…

I know I can glue this spoon. It’s not the end of the world. But long story short, not everything that breaks can be fixed. Life and loss are tough pills to swallow and I’m tired of the cultural expectation to choke hardship down gracefully. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be angry… It’s OK to not be OK, with or without an excuse. Feelings aren’t always rational and it’s far time we recognize that our pains are valid regardless of how they measure in comparison. Our struggles are not competitions so let’s stop pretending to keep it together because it makes others feel more comfortable. Life and loss are uncomfortable and moving on quickly enables culture to dismiss the legacies of the ones that left too soon. We should honor them with pause and revel in what remains. Heirlooms are like the architecture of one’s memory. Items aren’t special because of what they are but who they represent…

Rest in peace you heavy hearts. Rest up and take love!

Long-Term Care: Assessing Your Needs and Planning to Pay

Have you given consideration to your long-term care needs? Have you created a plan for how to pay for it? The cost of health insurance during our healthiest of years is already reaching harrowing rates. But what about those days (hopefully distant future) when we need a bit of extra help. If it’s expensive now, we can assume it will be even more costly then. Fortunately, Harry Cline, creator of NewCaregiver.org and author of the upcoming book, The A-Z Home Care Handbook: Health Management How-Tos for Senior Caregivers is here to help us with some of these questions. Read below for some suggestions on how you can start to think big pictures for what long-term care might look like for you or your loved ones.

---

While it isn’t pleasant to think about, there is a good chance you will need some type of long-term care in your senior years. Long-term care doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be put in a nursing home. In fact, assisted living facilities and nursing homes are more expensive than in-home care. Long-term care simply means any sort of custodial care you’ll need for more than two months, whether that be admittance into an assisted living facility, adult day care, or an in-home health aide.

 Planning for Long-Term Care Needs

 To assess the likelihood of your needing long-term care in the future, take a look at your state of health. Does your family carry any hereditary illnesses or conditions that could show up down the line? Fortunately, there are now predictive genetic tests that you can take to catch some of these early. However, it’s important to know that carrying a condition like Alzheimer’s means you won’t be eligible for long-term insurance.

 Barring genetic issues and accidents, your health is largely in your own hands. If you don’t already lead a healthy lifestyle that promotes longevity, make a resolution to change as soon as possible. One of the best things you can do for your long-term health is exercise regularly. You only need 90 minutes of exercise a week to reduce blood pressure levels. Exercise 450 minutes a week, and you’ll significantly reduce your chances of premature death.

 As mentioned earlier, in-home care can be significantly cheaper than an assisted living facility or nursing home. If you are part of the 87 percent of adults who wish to age-in-place within their own home, it’s important to make sure the house facilitates that. Either find a home that has accessibility features in place or budget to make the renovations yourself. You’ll need to make modifications such as installing railings on both sides of stairs, removing any loose carpeting or rugs, and changing to automatic night lights.

 Paying for Long-Term Care Needs

 The further you are from retirement, the more options you have when it comes to saving for long-term care. An easy way to make sure you’ll have the funds no matter what is by investing in long-term care insurance. Long-term care insurance is expensive for a reason. Insurance companies know just like the rest of us that healthcare costs are rising steadily, as is the aging population. The chances of someone needing to actually use that insurance is pretty high, thus the high premium.

 Another option you have when it comes to saving for your long-term needs is a Health Savings Account (HSA). a Health Savings Account is a compound interest savings program that allows you to contribute a certain amount monthly without having to pay taxes. The funds can be used on a variety of healthcare costs, including custodial care. The best part about an HSA is you can access the funds tax-free for everything from acupuncture to X-rays. If you want to access the funds for any other purchases, you can do that as well! Just be prepared to pay taxes on it.

Long-term care isn’t necessarily as scary as it sounds, but it is serious business. The costs of healthcare are rising every day, so it’s something you need to plan for. When assessing your risk of needing long-term care, there are predictive genetic tests you can take. However, your best bet is reducing your chances of needing long-term care with a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise. If you prefer the idea of in-home care over being admitted to an assisted living facility, you have to make sure your house is ready with accessibility modifications. To pay for your long-term care needs, you can invest in insurance. However, this is an expensive option and ultimately useless if you end up not needing it. A Health Savings Account, on the other hand, allows you to save thousands a year and benefit from its tax-free status and compound interest to pay for long-term healthcare costs when the time comes.

---

Do any of you have experience with a Health Savings Account? It has only recently popped up on my radar but after struggling financially to afford life crippled under my parents health, let alone my own healthcare, I’m developing a budding interest in all things financial. Share your experience affording care in the comments. Many of us new to caregiving are clueless about this stuff so your input is extremely valued here.

Holiday Gift Guide for Caregivers & Care-partners

The last thing caregivers need is more stress, and with the holidays looming I’ve attempted to reduce chaos with a simple holiday gift guide. Both caregivers and care-partners have a unique set of circumstances which can make shopping and gifting a challenge. The items below will hopefully eliminate any chance of gifts being re-gifted! I should also mention several things listed are sold through Amazon and as part of their affiliate program, I receive a small commission for guiding you to their website. Fear not! This comes at no extra charge to you, but I’m required to mention the association. That being said, I greatly appreciate your support in using my website as a vehicle for your holiday shopping. Hopefully you’ll find some goodies below.

For Caregivers

It’s probably no surprise that I am a hobby enthusiast but let’s face it, as a caregiver I have a lot of time on my hands. Not exactly free time for exploring whims but still, a significant amount of house bound hours that are grueling without personal projects. You might think that a sense of purpose would come from the careship however caregivers often preform duties to meet obligations, rather than fulfill passions. As hours stretch into years, it’s easy for a caregiver to lose sight of personal interests and fall prey to couch inertia. The lifestyle offer’s little in the way of personal development so one of the best gifts you can give someone restricted by circumstance are items that can improve their quality of life.

1. The Joy Of Cooking

My first recommendation is the Joy of Cooking cookbook. It’s a kitchen staple for long-time chefs and cooking newbies alike. There are no glamorous photos but it contains everything else. It’s like a massive index of all things cooking and you’ll be hard pressed to find a recipe that’s not listed. I recommend this book because caregiver or not, one’s future absolutely includes food. Why not gift a book that offers both a distraction with a necessary outcome... Dinner! I frequently reference my copy for everything from quick breads and cakes, to cocktails and stews. Seriously, it’s got everything; even Dutch Babies! Cooking can be a form of therapy and this book hosts hours of dishes that can help nurse a heartache or nurture health. No matter the season of life, know how to cook will always come in handy.

Joy of Cooking

By Irma S. Rombauer, Marion Rombauer Becker, Ethan Becker

Buy on Amazon

2. Set of Carving Knives

We can’t talk about caregivers without mentioning the self-care hypocrisy. The fluffy “make time for yourself”comments have never proved more telling of a societal misunderstanding. The caregivers I know frequently express frustration towards self-care directives that suggest things like an escape or break. Such advice, although well intended, is an absurdity in our reality. Most caregivers lack the the support to truly step away from their duties be it financial, emotional, or otherwise, and all the more reason to rethink self-care as an activity done in place. Forget escaping. It’s just not a legit option… But activities that provide a therapeutic distraction within the context of caregiving, might provide a more substantial escape than any short getaway. Spoon carving (or any kind of carving) is a wonderful stationary escape. It’s a mediation of sorts, allowing one to sink into new mental space and temporarily avoid the ills that can plague shared physical space. If a therapeutic gift is on your list, then considering gifting a set carving knives. There are lots of beginner carving books on the market to help folks get started and I’m available to help anyone that buys these knives with free coaching at the start of the new year.

Set Of Carving Knives

$72.00

Set of sloyd style carving knives for carving spoons, bowls, and other woodcarving crafts.

Add To Cart

3. 100 No-Equipment Workouts

If you are looking for a more traditional approach with a gift of self-care, this book offers an outlet for health while staying true to the reality of the caregiver life. Many cannot retreat to a local gym and also lack the finances to outfit their own gym at home. The workout books by Neila Rey, help eliminate those obstacles. I’ve been working my way through the one below which has been a great way to incorporate exercise into my day, and perhaps more importantly, blow-off some much need steam. Exercise is one of those things everyone needs to make time for but the caregiver lifestyle can make that a hurdle. Determining how to make time for exercise, let alone what activities to preform, can actually induce stress when one is already fighting overwhelm. This book helps eliminate those questions with simple workouts easily done at home. I’m recommending it because I use it. A small step towards “making time for myself.”

100 No-Equipment Workouts Vol. 1: Fitness Routines you can do anywhere, Any Time

By Neila Rey

Buy on Amazon

For Care-Partners

It’s not all about the caregivers. The struggle for gifting those under care is real! Many care-partners, especially seniors, can be difficult to shop for as gifts can feel meaningless. Those that suffer cognitive disorders like Alzheimer’s or Dementia may no longer understand the feelings behind the holiday gesture. Others might feel there is nothing they need and would prefer friends and family save money rather than spend it on them. Such sentiments may very well be true, but many of us still desire to shower our loved ones with gifts this time of the year. Below are a couple of items I’m giving my father this year.

1. Simon Memory Game

I’m going old school with this Simon memory game by Hasbro. You remember the one, right? Where the buttons light up with a musical tone and the player tries to repeat the order. It’s part fun and part memory therapy with a throwback to vintage games I think we both can enjoy.

Simon Game

Hasbro - Import

Buy on Amazon

2. Bed Sheets

The Simon game aside, I struggle knowing what to get my dad because his dementia disrupts so much. His favorite things of yesteryear no longer interest him. So rather than take chances I’m going with useful. New sheets! The man loves airplanes and space and luckily I can find both in bed sheets! Sheets pretty much come in every color, patterns, and thread count. If you are lost for ideas, just know you can’t go wrong with sheets.

Eddie Bauer 213020 Cotton Sheet Set, Twin, Sea Planes

Revman International

Buy on Amazon

For Both

In case you are looking to send an edible gift, I have just the thing!

1. Cookies

My favorite inspirational baker Sara C. Owens, of Ritual Fine Foods, has holiday cookie boxes that include an assortment of whole grain and heirlooms flour cookies! Now, as a baker I might be slightly biased but how can you go wrong with the wholesome touch of artisan baking?

“Ritual Fine Foods seeks to bring awareness to ancient ingredients, traditional preparations, and sustainable farming practices in the context of modern expression and enjoyment. Our provisions are made with a commitment to the cyclical nature of the seasons and the rituals created around farming, feasting, baking, and celebratory life events. ”

— Ritual Fine Foods

Click here to order cookies and browse the other offerings by Ritual Fine Foods. Boxes are limited so go on. Get! The clock is ticking on this one.

There’s probably lots of things I forgot here so don’t hesitate to add your ideas! Birthdays and other gifting events are just around the corner so don’t hold back. This can be a tough crowd to shop for so the more the merrier when it comes to recommendations.

Have a wonderful holiday season! And good luck managing any overwhelm. It’s a busy time but we’ll get through it.;)

In Loving Memory Of Gratitude On Thanksgiving

Last year, I remember going through the effort to create a fabulous Thanksgiving meal. I made all the sides and meticulously selected the dishes for serving them. I prepped dough for pies, made cranberry sauce, and even brined my turkey in preparation. I remember tending to my small flower garden and freshly picking a bouquet for a vase to display on our kitchen table. I remember finding a yellow table linen and some candle sticks, archived in a closet, and pulled them out to add even more of a sense of holiday spirit. I spent the whole week really, just getting ready, and true to food blogger form, I shared much of those moments on social media. But here’s the thing about social media… The communities we make online are never a substitute for the real thing. At the end of the day, my Thanksgiving extravaganza, as much as it was “shared,” was a lonesome table for none. A table for one never felt more lonesome because even I was a no-show. Why bother if it’s just for me? My father wasn’t interested in anything more than his usual peanut butter and jelly and I mostly felt defeated in recognizing the reality. I had no one to really share my Thanksgiving meal with and I couldn’t help wondering, what was the point?

“The communities we make online are never a substitute for the real thing.”

Fortunately, my childhood best friend Erika, invited my dad and I to her mother’s house. Prior to her phone call, I felt sad for myself. I went to great lengths to create a Thanksgiving feast, so intent for the purpose of sharing but without a single human to enjoy it with. I actually felt pathetic… Showboating for a social media post… It took some effort to convince my dad but we went and so did my side dishes! It was remarkable to witness generations of a single family all in one place, eating and laughing, and even arguing at times but ultimately enjoying each other’s company.

Erika saved my day but there are many folks without someone to share in a sense of togetherness. The company we keep helps form our communities and a life without the presence of another is depressing at best. We are increasingly separated by circumstance, be it a natural disaster, political differences, civic duties and your run-of-the-mill, family dynamics. There are endless reasons for why we can’t come together, which makes me think that the effort to unite is time well spent. The holidays give us that reason. They provide great impetus to strive for union even as aspects of life will forever remain obstacles. But defeat is not an option, right? Challenges, no matter how they appear, are opportunities to double down and compound efforts when they matter most. So this year, in recognition of so many that are separated by unfortunate circumstances, I am sharing gratitude and hoping it carries good tidings to someone that feels lost, or helpless, or alone , due to playing the tough hand life’s dealt.

“You don’t have the right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt.
You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding.”

— Cheryl Strayed

So, in honor of November’s gratitude call, I’m attempting to give back to two organizations. The first is the veteran’s organization, Hope for the Warriors, that has a scholarship program and additional support services specifically for caregivers. As a caregiver to my father, whom is a veteran of the Korean War, supporting Hope for the Warriors is an initiative I can get behind. Additionally, I have formed an unlikely friendship with a man named Richard, a Vietnam War Veteran, whom spent the last five years caring for his wife as she suffered from Alzheimer’s. Richard and I quickly bonded over the stress of the caregiver life. He has helped me some in managing my dad and has also become my mentor of sorts into the world of copper and scrapsmithing. It’s only fitting that our first collaboration serve to benefit those in similar situations. The Copper Cutlery Set is our proudest collaboration thus far and we are happy to dedicate 25% of the proceeds to help fund caregiver initiatives with Hope for the Warriors.

Richard in his shop, Photo credit: Angel Kulynych

The second organization I want to support this month is the International Association of Fire Fighters that have been heroically serving on the front lines of the wildfires raging throughout California. The Torched Oak mixing spoon is for sale with 50% of the proceeds going to IAFF as I can think of nothing more symbolic of life support than a spoon. The handle detail includes torch marks honoring the brave men and women fighting on the front lines to protect individuals and communities from the threat of wildfire. So many have already lost everything but this is a little something I (or rather, we) can give back in support.

In the scheme of things, the cash amassed for these two organizations through spoon sales is nominal and it’s easy to fall prey in thinking one’s efforts are not enough. But for the person that feels they have lost everything, the smallest of gestures can feel like the world. We live often disconnected from the impact of meaningful relationship building. I say meaningful in that feelings are exchanged over a shared experience where multiple parties connect through a mutual affection for a moment. Creation of a sense of belonging with intentional gestures to foster a fellowship for care… This is how we cultivate community.

Last year, Erika ushered me out of my depression and into her community with a small gesture of kindness. It was just a phone call, but more than that, it was care. And as you gather this Thanksgiving Day, I hope you take a moment to acknowledge that this day is special. Not for the food or the history of how Thanksgiving came to be, but the fact that we just don’t do a good job of creating opportunities to build connections. The holidays in general, for better or for worse, give us reason to be together, so let’s make it count!

Black Widow Halloween Salad Recipe

Get your festive on with this healthy Halloween salad made with black rice and blood oranges and a few other ingredients that keep to this holiday theme. While the kids (and seniors) might be game for a full night of candy, caregivers need nourishment to survive a night of horrors. Eat this salad, then hit the candy and feel a little better about your life choices come morning.

Ingredients:

• Cooked black rice
• Chopped purple kale
• Cooked then chopped red beets (small chop)
• Some black olives, sliced
• Crumbled Goat Cheese
• Blood Orange segmented (Click here for a how-to)
• Parsley
• Vinegar based dressing

Directions

1. Rub some oil into the kale leaves and roast in the oven if you want it crispy (I'm a fan personally but this step is not necessary).
2. In a bowl, mix the kale and rice together in your desired proportions.
3. Place a serving of the rice mix on a plate.
4. Top with your beets and black olives.
5. Sprinkle on some goat cheese
6. Add the blood orange segments
7. Top with a little parsly and the vinegar based dressing of your choice.

Sorry for the lack of specific measurements on this recipe but you know… salads ain’t rocket science and Halloween is a holiday that’s supposed to be scary. Take a risk yo! And enjoy the blood bath. Beets never disappoint when it comes to a good spook. They’re always good for a nice stain of the hands and a brief scare in the bathroom if you know what I mean…;)

“You’re not hemorrhaging. It’s just the beets!”

And for an additional fright, please enjoy these photos of my dad and I celebrating Halloween night. We had a good run with wigs which seemed to be the backbone of our costumes every year. We started things out by just getting “dressed-up”. Wigs, a hat, and feather boa was enough to call us “festive”. But as the years went by we honed our looks. We pulled off Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World one year before celebrating our last Halloween together as ET and Elliot.

The holidays were always fun. As a caregiver to parents with Alzheimer’s and dementia, I would often wonder if my efforts to celebrate any “festive” event would be in vain. I’d question if I was making more work for myself by decorating the house or preparing elaborate meals, knowing they wouldn’t understand, participate, or remember that said time was significant. But as I look back at this Halloween photo gallery and see our smiles and remember the laughs, I find myself comforted by the memories. The post caregiver life takeaway isn’t the stress or hassle of going through the holiday motions just because I felt we should. Rather, it’s the reminder that on this day and every holiday, the day itself was different. For short periods of time we managed to part ways with the monotony of long term, end of life care. On these days we actually lived life more fully. They are the moments that now standout. Don’t get me wrong; we had our share of nightmares. But Halloween and every other holiday that felt like a forced celebration was actually an escape from the nothingness. It was something and it was worth it!

Happy Hauntings!

Daily Needs Assessment: A Key to Quality of Life

Hi folks!

I'm back here with another guest post from June Duncan, the author of the soon to be released book The Complete Guide to Caregiving and creator of Rise Up for Caregivers.  This time around she comes to us with great information relating to senior independence and some tips for assessing when a caregiver may need to step in.  Identifying these things early can help caregivers (or future caregivers) mitigate problems. Forecasting possible scenarios is a step towards putting a plan in place and I speak from experience when I say you don't want to be caught off guard.  Many of these suggestions are short-term solutions that can help pad the timeline surrounding a more significant transition.  It can be overwhelming to tackle all at once but take notice, address what you can, and begin assessing the needs of your senior loves. 

Now, some words from June:

---

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Caregiving for a senior loved one can feel like walking around in the dark sometimes.  However, there are key ways to improve your senior’s quality of life and meet needs more clearly.  With a well-defined assessment, you can enhance your loved one’s independence and relieve that stumbling-in-the-dark sensation.

Gauging independence

Certain tasks performed in everyday life are necessary for independent living.  Those tasks are termed Activities of Daily Living (ADLs), and include items such as dressing, bathing, eating, using the toilet, and being able to move from laying down to standing.  Sometimes with a little support in these areas, seniors can continue living at home and remain reasonably independent.  The first step in deciding whether your loved one can safely remain at home is clearly gauging how much assistance is required in performing those tasks.  Carefully assess your senior’s ability in each of the ADLs, using a sliding scale on how much help is needed to accomplish each task.  This may seem a bit overwhelming, but there are a number of tools available for making this evaluation, such as the Bristol Activities of Daily Living Scale. 

Simple alterations

Once you complete an assessment of your senior’s abilities, review your loved one’s living situation.  Oftentimes, the home environment can be effectively improved with minimal effort, allowing greater safety and peace of mind.  Ensure the main living area is entirely on one floor, with access to a bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.  Then review the living area for enhanced mobility and reduced safety risks. 

For example, the National Institute on Aging recommends reducing slipping and tripping hazards in the home.  You can do this by removing furniture and opening floor space for your loved one.  Reduce clutter such as magazine racks and piles of newspapers, and eliminate or secure throw rugs.  Stairwells should include a sturdy railing for support, and electrical cords should be safely secured away from walkways to reduce the risk of tripping on them.  Ideally, floors should offer improved traction; you can leave surfaces unpolished or install nonskid strips to enhance your senior’s safety.  Some experts also suggest removing thresholds so your senior doesn’t need to navigate steps in and out of the home and between interior rooms.

Improving visibility is another simple but important way to enhance your loved one’s safety and independence.  Even if your senior is still enjoying good physical vision, sometimes comprehending what is being seen is an issue.  There are several simple ways to help.  Stairs can be marked with different colored tape so the changes in levels are more easily seen.  Similarly, use high-contrast colors for floors and walls.  Eliminate window coverings and rugs with complex, confusing patterns. 

For better accessibility in bathrooms and kitchens, consider installing lever-style faucet handles instead of knobs.  Single levers are best, since they are not only easy to grip but also reduce the risk of scalding.  Use base cabinets for the majority of storage so your senior doesn’t need to climb to reach items, and add lazy Susans and pull-out drawers to reduce bending.  Some professionals advise adding grab bars in bathrooms to reduce risk of falls. 

Services and resources

When considering what ways your loved one’s quality of life can improve, explore resources in the local community.  As the experts at HomeAdvisor explain, seniors can often enjoy remaining in their own homes through the benefits of supportive services.  Meal providers can deliver nutritious food and reduce shopping and meal preparation responsibilities.  Transportation services can allow your loved one to run errands and reach medical appointments even if driving isn’t feasible.  Money management professionals help seniors who are no longer able to perform all of their bookkeeping obligations.  For specific services and resources available in your locality, contact your Area Agency on Aging. 

Assessment is key

A good assessment will help you identify your senior’s limitations.  Once you have a clear understanding of where needs are, you can directly address those concerns.  By modifying the living environment and employing supportive services, you can improve quality of life for both you and your aging loved one.

---

Alright, now it's your turn.  Do any of you have experience implementing any of these suggestions?  Or, do you have any questions that June or I might be able to address?  We understand that the world of caregiving is increasingly isolated and decision making is often challenging without a sounding board or support system to help provide some perspective.  As always, this space strives to create a community for the unique needs of caregivers so please don't hesitate to tell us your thoughts.  We want to hear from you but we also want to learn from you. Drop us your thoughts and lets get to discussing!

The How & Why Of Spring Rolls

Why?

Because they are easy, nutritious, and a good "group" activity.  Assuming you are looking out for a loved one and have lingering time on your hands, why not head to the kitchen and gussy up some spring rolls? 

1. They are easy.

I'm always looking for activities that stand to benefit both my mom and I and this one holds-up.  I prepare everything in advance (although depending on the needs of supervision, prep might be something you could delegate) and then the two of us can sit down at the table and roll away.  When going through the motions side by side, my mom, whom has Alzheimer's, can easy follow along. 

2. They are nutritious.

Unfortunately, my mom often can't always eat them due to dysphagia, or complications related to swallowing but anyone without such concerns can go ahead and binge eat their way to good health.  I know that might sound like a tease but you have to remember that we are feeding more than one mouth in this house.  My father's vascular dementia is taking a toll on some of his motor skills like hand eye coordination, so using utensils can be challenging for him.  At least with the spring rolls he can pick them up with his hands and have at them.  It's one of the few ways he can eat "salad".  It's also a fun way to eat vegetables.  I mean, who doesn't love finger foods?

3. They are a good "group" activity.

It can be hard to make time for senior engagement when chores abound but these spring rolls are like a twofer! Getting the ingredients prepped and sitting down at the table and working on them is a surprising win when it comes to time management. We'll have boatloads of healthy snacks and the activity alone is enough to help me feel like we are sharing quality time together.  All too often it's easy to slip into allowing passive entertainment occupy my parents time, which serves no good for any of us.  They are unquestionably bored and under-stimulated (which I personally find to be a triggers for Sundowning) and I face issues of guilt and frustration knowing I haven't contributed meaning to their day.  So, anything I can do that challenges them in new ways proves fruitful regardless of nutrition.

Rice papers

How?

Yes, I know I should have started with "how" but oh well... 

• First and foremost, find some rice papers!  They are typically found in the international section of your grocery store.

Preparation organization

• Prep whatever you want to put in the rolls.  I typically go for a mix of greens, some herbs, crunchy things like carrots, cucumbers, and peppers, and some kind of protein like crushed nuts, hard boiled eggs, chopped cocktail shrimp or chicken. Use your imagination.  You have endless options, just remember that whatever you decide to use needs to fit in the wrappers so cut accordingly.

Spring roll steps.

• Next you're ready to start rolling.  In a medium sized skillet add some warm tap water and place it by your rolling work station.  Working with one rice paper at a time, soak each wrapper in the water until it's completely soft and filmy.  
• Lay the soft wrapper out on a clean surface and add your filling in the middle.
• Fold in the sides first and then the bottom section and roll it right up.
• Dip them in your favorite dressing and enjoy!  We used a store bought peanut sauce but I think any standard dressing could work too.

 I would suggest making all the spring rolls before eating.  Stopping to taste really derails productivity.  You can also store any leftovers in the fridge for a few days.  There's nothing like having a little power snack to get you through the chaos.  The caregiver struggle is real so make sure you're all fueled up! 

Life Auto Corrects...

I have officially been here for one year now.  Wha-what?!  How has it been that long and also a lifetime at the same time?  I can't say that I feel like I have adjusted but at the same time, I have fallen into a routine which is quite telling that I've settled in. Looking back at all that's happened, I realize a single year can act as an eternity and for good reason.  Some things just take time. 

The hardest thing about moving here to care for my parents with Alzheimer's and dementia was the decision to actually do so.  Knowing the vision I had for my future would likely never reach reality was hard to swallow.  Like, chokingly hard to swallow.  I used to have nightmares where I would literally wake-up gagging.  (You can read about that here.) I developed something called Plum Pit Syndrome, a psychosomatic stress disorder that lived in my throat and caused strange episodes of laryngitis that would last for weeks on end.  I also lost about 20 pounds.  These things helped clue me into the fact that it was "time" but really it came down to a single photograph taken by my friend Julie.

How cute is Murphy?!

I spent quite a few nights at Julie's house to avoid the long drive home from Bourne to Wellfleet after teaching Grain & Grain, my bread and spoon carving class.  Those nights typically included wine, tears, and a strategic plan for a new vision of my future.  I absolutely dreaded what I imagined laid before me and desperately longed for a version I could like.  I was overwhelmed by my pending future and it contained nothing but darkness.  The strange thing though was the blindness to my then current reality.  This picture (Not the best. Good job Julie!), complete with striped sweater and bulky blanket with medium sized dog was a sudden wake-up call.  All things which should have added size, somehow made me feel small.  And not just small but frail.  I was losing myself to a battle in which the war had yet to start!

This photo helped me realize my parents weren't the only ones who were sick.  The anxiety surrounding the decision to move, which had been on my mind for roughly two years at this point, was literally impacting my health and deteriorating my quality of life.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) the decision was made for me with a call from Adult Protective Services that came shortly after it was taken.  You can read about how that went down here but I can't help but wonder what would have happened if that call never came.  Would I still be clinging to old dreams, wasting time with procrastination?  Would my parents' health have reached a devastating critical mass?  Would my own health be an issue obstructing my desires of any kind?  I don't know...  But what I do know is that the nightmares have subsided, the plum pit has gone away and my weight has plateaued which is telling that life has normalized. 

The fragility I owned a year ago has given way to a stronger person with clear values if nothing else. There is no room for the weak and I mean that literally.  Lifting my mom off the ground after a fainting spell is no easy task and all 130 pounds of her lifts like the weight of the world.  The weight of my conscience is also gaining strength as this experience has shown me the atrocities of bureaucratic culture and a general lack of dignity for the elderly.  However, I can also say, I have never been more aware of the beautiful resilience of the human condition and the profound reach of the human spirit.  These things were never part of the visions crafted on Julie's couch because these were part of the unimaginable. I never would have guessed...

As for my future, the vision remains blurry and pixilated but with pops of color and structure of something still coming into focus.  After months, even years of living with the hovering darkness of responsibility, I am finally putting some trust in the idea that things are going to be ok.  I am once again, dreaming of a future that is my own and it's a version that I like!  As my wise friend Angela often preaches, "life auto corrects" and we all will be rerouted in the right direction with time.

On Making Things, Especially Excuses...

I have taken a real interest in my mom's ability to create things.  In her heyday she was a florist and often won awards for design.  These days however she needs assistance with everything.  She can't fix her own meals, she struggles dressing herself...  Routine activities are requiring increasingly more supervision, yet somehow she is able to maintain a creative edge.

A girl and her craft.

I am starting to understand her dementia.  She has "moderate to advanced" Alzheimer's and her condition is stealing her logic, but not when it comes to art.  With art, or anything creative, you have to wonder if the impulse contains logic in the first place.  While she can't make decisions and process right or wrong, she still understands color and balance with a beauty that makes sense.  When I am making something I still ask for her input. She can't articulate what something needs or what I need to do in effort to adjust things to the eye but she can still contribute an opinion if I ask questions the right way.  "Should I add this or that? Use a color or stay neutral? Put the detail here or here?" The big picture overwhelms her but when presented with something specific, she knows... 

The Lioness

Her hands manipulate materials and continue to produce exceptional works of beauty so long as I provide them the opportunity. I literally enable the flow of her creativity which is profound at times, especially when I think of the things holding back my own.  Alzheimer's holds her back but what's my excuse?  I wish I could tell you something other than an endless chain of excuses.  Nothing clinical but still, excuses upon excuses and they keep me from the creations that exist in my mind.

So today I have some questions for you.  Who would you be if you stopped getting in your own way?  What would you make or do?  Who or what would you become and what is it that's stopping you?  If we all have the capacity to create, why don't we?  I wonder if your excuses are the same as mine...

Creamy Curry Asparagus Soup

I am realizing that my coping mechanism for stress is cooking.  It's the clock in my routine and also, a vehicle for comfort and craft.  I initially thought all this cooking was somehow for my parents.  That preparing these nutritious meals were the means to their health while securing some level of comfort to our home.  Now, I am realizing the effort is often for me.  It's comfort in the idea of purpose,  encouraging me out of bed so breakfast can meet the table.  A creative outlet that cures boredom and is nutritious at the same time.  Cooking is becoming a meditation.  It grounds me.

Alzheimer's and dementia plays with the mind.  As my parents' memory loss increases so does anxiety, both theirs and my own. The anxiety doesn't discriminate based on a diagnosis. Everyone is fair game, demented or not, and I can sometimes feel panic waving at me from a distance.  As panic creeps in, I cook. Sometimes I even dance and sing. The combination of entertainment and comfort food is enough distraction to curb a moment's unraveling, dismissing the chaos about to ensue.  Apparently, the horrifying sound of my singing voice can bring the room to a screeching halt.  Even the dog stops in shell-shock.  But whatever, I feed him too...

Oddly enough, something about the food and entertainment formula works.  As a caregiver, you cope and provide comfort as best you can, utilizing whatever weapons are in your arsenal.  Mine happen to be food and a knack for the theatrics (or maybe not?).  Weapons aside, my advice for anyone in a similar position is "do what you love, for those you love" and let joy be the creep for a while.  

Now, without further ado, I give you Creamy Curry Asparagus Soup!  

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp oil
• 1 small yellow onion chopped
• 1/2 head of cauliflower chopped
• 1 lb asparagus, ends trimmed and chopped into 1 inch pieces
• 1 1/2 tbsp green curry paste
• 1 can coconut milk
• 2 cups water
• 1 lime
• 1 hard boiled egg, grated
• 1/8 cup cilantro
• 1/8 cup cashews
• 1 scallion sliced on the diagonal
• 1 tbsp plain yogurt
• 1/4 tsp flax seeds
• a zip of sriracha (Optional, and yes, a "zip" is an official measure in my book.)
  Directions

---

1. In a large pot heat the oil
2. Add the onions and saute for a few minutes until they soften and become translucent.
3. Add the cauliflower, asparagus, and curry paste, stirring to combine and coat things evenly.
4. As everything starts to cook, keep an eye on things and stir frequently to keep the ingredients from sticking.
5. After several minutes, add the water and a big squeeze of lime and deglaze any bits that are stuck to the bottom. The lime will help with flavor but also assist in maintaining that fresh green color!
6. Make sure the water covers the vegetables. If not add more water so they are just submerged and then simmer until everything is tender.
7. With an immersion blender, puree the soup till it's smooth. (This can also be done in a standard blender in batches after cooling.)
8. After the soup is pureed, bring the temperature back up to just under a simmer and stir in the coconut milk. (Tip: It's good practice not to boil coconut milk.)
9. Taste the soup and make adjustments as necessary. You will probably want to add salt and possibly more lime juice. This is based on preference and dietary considerations if you are watching sodium intake.
10. After adjustments, serve the soup in bowls topped with a scattering of egg, cilantro, cashews and scallions.
11. Add a dollop of yogurt, topped with a sprinkle of flax seeds and a zip of sriracha if you want the heat.
12. Serve it with extra lime wedges on the side in case anyone wants more.

"End scene."

On Finding The Right Caregiver

Finding the right caregiver is no easy task.  If you land in the desperate position of needing someone ASAP, then take comfort in knowing that agencies exist with a hiring process so you can have supervision on the quick.  Trained personnel, armed with a client history and years of experience that enable you, the concerned one, to relax, well-assured of your loved one's safety.  That is of course until the possible realization that your newly hired help isn't exactly "helping".  Sure, your new assistant might contribute with drives to appointments, errands or even provide hygiene services but if it's not the right fit, then it is not the right fit. 

I went through an agency and two different caretakers before I realized what exactly I needed from an aid.  Things that sounded great on paper like registered, certified, or experienced didn't exactly translate into quality care.  My first two aids came with thick accents, iPhones and the expanse of knowledge one can only feel confident with when you are in your 20's.  The reputable labor and high price tag landed me with youthful strangers my parents could neither understand nor relate to, both engaging more with Facebook than my folks while I was out.  Sure, they assisted with those minor tasks and of course were able to address immediate safety concerns but at the end of the day I was looking for more. I craved a scenario that made my parents more comfortable at home and as comfortable as possible with their own evolving chaos with Alzheimer's and Dementia.

 Essentially, I was looking for someone who was a "substitute" me.  I had none of the above agency criteria that's supposed to make you feel better about hiring a stranger.  I am not registered with any such agency.  The only certificate I have exists by birth with absolutely zero relevance to my ability to perform specialized duties.  And as for experience?  Ugh... I guess you could say I have little to none?  However, for all intents and purposes, I am the best fit for this job.  I am the Primary Caretaker, Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy, Estate Executor and perhaps most comfortably or awkwardly, I am their daughter.  Unfortunately, my extensive awesomeness is not enough and I needed to hire someone with the skills, compassion and integrity that were as close a match to my own while simultaneously finding someone with the strengths where I was weak.  I needed someone to engage with my parent, to help them with their struggles and act more like their companion than a complacent house-sitters.

Luckily, I eventually found this magical person and it was a hunt that lasted more than a year.  She is not from an agency but instead, she is from a place called Word of Mouth.  She engages my parents with art, puzzles and conversations that run in circles making absolutely no sense yet engages with a level of patience and kindness that far exceeds my own. She does incredible things like fancy up-dos with my mom's hair, helps her shower or get dressed and brushes and flosses her teeth!  I am not kidding about the flossing.  She takes great care in all 19 of them!!!

I can only pay her $15 an hour which is the standard rate in the caregiving field but I assure you she is worth every penny and so much more!  She is actually so good that I feel a twinge of shame that I can't do more for her because she is doing so much for me.  It is the shame that tells me I have found the right person, when every payday I hand over a check and it's a check that feels so meager in regard to her worth.  I often worry about the financial constraints of this disease and question our ability to afford and sustain quality care.  I actually question all kinds of things related to navigating this stuff and have no idea if I am making the right decisions or not.  I second guess myself constantly but not when it comes to Diane.  She is the right fit and I know this not only from my feelings surrounding pay concerns but more importantly the room she has created within our home to let in joy.

Thank you Diane! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!