Reflections From Life After Caregiving

After almost four years of trying to figure out life alongside of caregiving, I’m suddenly thrust into life without it. Like a car careening to a screeching halt, the abruptness and impact is still revealing itself. I’m picking up the pieces… again… and no sooner had I started to make sense of the ones I was holding do I find myself holding new ones, wholly foreign and equally frustrating. Just as my caregiver life began to click, things changed and my ever quest for stability has shaped-shifted once again.

Last year, around October, I started to really feel like I was gaining a grasp on things.. The years of trial and error eventually led to some clarity around how to be a full-time caregiver. Actually, for the first time in my caregiving journey I felt like I was more than just a caregiver. I had returned to having my own identity with a vision of myself as a maker. I started to identify as an artist and a baker. A maker of things that reflected my journey with time, because more than anything, I had learned how to stand still. I was embracing what I’ve come to think of as the “slow-life” movement.

The monotony of caregiving and its day-in, day-out inertia was a vacuum. It consumed my time and energy and gave me very little in return. The overwhelming feeling of sacrificing my desires for the care of my parents left me bitter, angry that these were my life’s cards. I spent years with that anger, mostly unresolved, because emotionally I was conflicted by love. Love for my parents, love for my partner, and love for the person I was becoming prior to this whole mess starting. Caregiving pit all these loves against each other, forcing me to prioritize them, as if one might have somehow held more importance over the others. I was paralyzed in making pivotal life choices and in that paralysis my frustration grew into rage. My anger seethed and with no place to channel how I was feeling I recoiled into my mind, mentally scheming a way out of this mess. I became a cruncher, a term I’ve identified for how my mind became calculatory. Crunching was the puzzle work of solving my problems and I crunched constantly. I crunched numbers, schedules, and systems, addicted to finding solutions. I crunched in my sleep merely awaiting daylight, so I could just get back to the drawing board to resolve my mess. And I couldn’t settle for just surviving the time. I wanted to enjoy my time and rid myself of the toxicity that was consuming my emotional and mental health.

Long story short, around October of 2018 I started to formulate a plan. All the crunching had paid-off and for the first time in my caregiving journey I had ideas for how I was going to move forward in my own life with happiness. I was ready for caregiving to be a piece of my life, rather than my whole life and I was ready to do that by injecting my interests into the inertia of the job. 2019 Couldn’t come soon enough! I was so ready for a fresh start, so excited to work on this website because this platform was going to encapsulate my new beginning. If caregiving meant a life of isolation then my website would become my vehicle for connection. I realized that if I couldn’t go out and greet the world in the way I craved, maybe I could convince a piece of the online one to come to me. I was ready to do that through food and craft, creating opportunities for interactions. I would post recipes (which are a dime a dozen) but more so I would create reasons for individuals to “visit” me. I prematurely launched the Full Moon Baking Club and Winter Squash Bingo because I was excited. I anticipated them being the cornerstones of 2019 but thrust them into the world early because I was tired of waiting. I had waited nearly four years at this point to feel a sense of myself in my days and finally a sliver of that girl was showing. I didn’t need a specific date or a launch party to validate my readiness. I was ready to hatch, armed with all things related to food, carving, and caregiving that might convince someone to interact with my world.

But then came the abrupt shift, hardly a month into my new found plan. My dad fell on December 14th. I remember it was a Friday. He was gone five days later… His passing was met by the cusp of winter, the government shutdown, and the end-of-year holidays that consume everything that time of year. It was not the most wonderful time of year. Quite the opposite really. And yet 2019 rolled-in, once highly anticipated and now, suddenly an afterthought. There was no fresh start. Instead, 2019 greeted me with a sour taste in my mouth. The bitterness I chocked down from my years before had been replaced by something acrid. The final decree, hamstringing my heart, again to this role of caregiver and stealing my identity once more…

It’s not fair. That’s really all I have to say for myself. It’s just not fair. And never-the-less, it just is what it is… I know people hate that expression but I’m not sure how else make sense of the enormity of grief that encompasses the last four years other than to surrendering to time. I lost my mom, my dad, and my dog. I lost my job, my apartment, and my community… I don’t think the vacuum of caregiving is well understood, which in and of itself is a tragedy. The loss of lives is compounded by the loss of livelihood. Grief alone is heavy but without a social and economical construct to pad the edges, it can push your life to the fringe. The vacuum swallows everything, eroding just about every facet of connection and commonality into something even more incongruous. I am the last person you want at your dinner party. I’m am every bit the definition of your Debbi Downer… Everyone died, I’m unemployed, and too much alcohol will probably bring me to tears... But where I lack in dinner parties, I thrive in pity parties! Other people’s problems serve as respite from my own and I find myself happy to listen to the struggles of others. Not because misery loves company but because pain deserves a voice and after four years of sitting on the sidelines I have found that emotional trauma is dangerous when left unchecked. Luckily my outlets were baking and carving and they will continue to be healthy escapes from a world riddled with malfeasance.

I keep waiting for my course correction. Caregiving has “ended” and I find myself anxious to move on. But Joseph Campbell’s theme of the hero’s journey whispers softly to me that this is hardly an ending. It’s entry into the “abyss”. According to his narrative, I’m only halfway through my caregiving journey because it took four years to get here and it might take four more to recover. The mere thought of this exhausts me but it also gives me comfort. Time has been my one trusted companion thus far so we kinda know the drill. As I mentioned before, I have learned the lessons of staying still. As the clock ticks on with a strange new nothingness, I have mastered the art of waiting cause my life feels perpetually on hold. Something will come… Some job will rescue me from my newly inherited mortgage and other financial burdens but it appears that white knights liberate without time restraints so all I can do is wait. And carve… and bake… and be. Cause life after caregiving isn’t an ending. It’s a blind spot and my only choice is to turn to the sun.

Love at Long Distance: When the Burden of Care Falls on You From Across the Country

Long distance caregiving is a burden full of unique challenges. As a caregiver, how can you provide love and support when you live across the country? How can you manage the care of your loved one when you’re physically not available? Fortunately, Harry Cline is back with us today with some strategies for managing long distance caregiving.

Harry is the creator of NewCaregiver.org and author of the upcoming book, The A-Z Home Care Handbook: Health Management How-Tos for Senior Caregivers. He is a retired nursing home administrator, father of three, and caregiver to his ninety-year-old uncle. He is more than familiar with the challenges and rewards of caregiving and understands the role is often overwhelming for those just starting out. And if you find yourself on the precipice of having to uproot your life to provide care, keep reading. Harry has some suggestions that can hopefully give you some peace of mind while you navigate the complications of a possible relocation.

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As adults, we know that there is a time when we may be called upon to care for our parents. However, what happens when that obligation overlaps with your own family’s needs, such as when your children are in school, or you are financially unable to devote yourself to full-time care? The concern may be even greater when you live far away and your elderly parents won’t move closer or you can’t go to them.

 What You Can Do

 As a long-distance caregiver, you can’t physically be there to provide hands-on assistance, but there are still plenty of things you can do to help. The National Institute on Aging explains that you can pay bills, offer emotional support, and provide updates to friends and family.

 One of the most important things you can do is to ensure their basic needs are taken care of. This might mean hiring a housekeeper to keep things clean if they suffer from limited mobility. A tidy home will benefit their health and prevent dangerous tripping hazards. Using an online search tool, you can find a housekeeper, ask for a quote, and see if they will allow you to pay on your parents’ behalf. Similarly, you can schedule lawn care and other essential home maintenance tasks that your parents are unable to do themselves.

 When your elderly parents need more in-depth assistance, a home aide can provide companionship and help them take their medications, eat, go to the bathroom, and handle other daily needs. Care.com gives you access to a nationwide directory of non-medical personal caregivers. Many of these professional attendants are available for overnight care and can help with transportation to and from doctor appointments.

Safety

In addition to their daily care needs, one of the most pressing concerns for long-distance caregivers is keeping their loved ones safe. There are many ways to achieve this, and a combination of minor home improvements and tech gear may be all it takes to put your mind at ease. A video-enabled home security system will allow you to monitor their activities no matter where you are. ADT—along with major home security firms—offers smart products and video surveillance for a monthly fee. Similarly, Amazon and Google’s home hubs can double as instant video chatting devices. Amazon’s Echo Show, for example, may be configured so that you can “drop in” on your loved one any time. When you can visit, add grab bars to the bathtub and install motion-activated lights in the hallway.

Echo Show (2nd Gen) – Premium sound and a vibrant 10.1” HD screen - Sandstone

Amazon

Drive Medical Adjustable Height Bathtub Grab Bar Safety Rail, White

Drive Medical

No Loose Ends

 Going a step further, you can take over your loved one’s finances by setting up direct deposit of their Social Security check and online bill payments for the mortgage and utilities. Their home health aide or a helpful neighbor can get the mail from the mailbox and alert you of any non-recurring bills, such as insurance co-payments or quarterly pest control. You can usually call these companies and take care of the charges over the phone.

 If you can’t have an onsite caregiver, look for a local food service that delivers to the elderly. Meals on Wheels, your family member’s local community center, or their church can ensure they have healthy meals delivered. This is especially important if they can no longer cook for themselves.

 Finally, when you can visit, establish a relationship with the neighbors. Many police precincts have community programs, often run by citizens that can further put a set of hands within reach when your parents need it the most. Make a copy of their front door key and leave it with a trusted neighbor.

 Caring for an aging parent or grandparent from a distance is not always easy. But it is possible, even if you work full time or are yourself physically unable to provide care. Things such as hiring a housekeeper and having prepared meals delivered are small actions that can make a huge impact on their health, well-being, and independence.

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Moral of the story: Don’t be like me.  I was in denial and hoping the situation would get better on its own.  Obviously it didn’t.  Instead things escalated until I was forced into an unprepared moved to South Florida with no such assistance in place.  If I had to do it over again, I would implement all the above suggestions.  Any support in these matters would have allowed for a smoother transition becoming a full-time caregiver while also constructing the beginnings of an infrastructure for support.  Hiring help for such matters can be extremely personal and it’s helpful to remember that an aid or service is not just for your loved ones.  Such help will alleviate some of the myriad of concerns on your plate and greatly help your personal mental health.

 Do you have experience with long-distance caregiving?  I’d love to hear about strategies you’ve implemented to help ensure safety for your loved ones.

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Robert Look's Memorial Service & Celebration of Life

Updated: January 15th, 2019

I continue to sincerely thank you for your love and support during this difficult time and I again apologize for the piecemeal of this post. I am happy to announce that the services are officially finalized and we look forward to celebrating his spirit on Monday and Tuesday of next week. Below Robert’s obituary you will find the revised details.

#koolbob

Obituary

At the age of 86, Robert Warren Look, affectionately known as "koolbob", passed away on December 19th, 2018, in the comfort of his own home.

A memorial service and celebration of life honoring Robert will be held on Monday, January 21, 2019 at his family home at 603 NW 110th AVE, Coral Springs, FL 33017. Guest are invited to arrive beginning at 1:00 PM with the service commencing at 2:00 PM.

An additional flag ceremony and brief service for internment will take place on Tuesday, January 22, 2019 at the South Florida National Cemetery, 6501 FL-7, Lake Worth, FL 33449. All attendees should meet at the cemetery promptly at 12:30pm in LANE 5.

Robert’s Story…

Robert was a man of science. He grew-up in Edgartown, MA on the island of Martha’s Vineyard where he achieved high remarks in school and looked-up to the likes of Albert Einstein and Nikola Tesla. The advancements of radio and technology grabbed his attention and at a young age he became an armature radio operator. Radio waves and frequencies remained an important aspect of Robert’s life and shortly after graduating from high school he joined the United States Air Force and became a Korean War Veteran. After the war he pursued fulfilling work at the Kennedy Space Center and Cape Kennedy Air Force Station on Cape Canaveral where he found himself at the center of the space race during an era that helped shaped the infinite capacity of man and altered the course of human history. The Apollo and Gemini Missions as well as the infamous Lunar Landing remained vivid highlights of both his personal pride and professional career.

Following his years at Cape Canaveral, Robert moved to Ascension Island in the South Atlantic Ocean where he continued his career in science and technology where he assisted efforts in satellite and communication telemetry. His skills helped pioneer advancements in telephone communications where he eventually retired from BellSouth Telecommunications in 2005.

Robert is survived by his four children, Allison Mundry, Rob, Ashley and Miles Look, and his 8 grandchildren. He will be missed dearly, especially his quick wit and endless charm. He also claimed to be the inventor of “shorts”. May he rest in peace.

Event Details:

Memorial Service & Celebration of Life:

Date: Monday, January 21, 2019

Location: 603 NW 110th AVE. Coral Springs, FL 33071

Time: Guests are invited to arrive after lunch, beginning at 1:00 PM with the service commencing at 2:00 PM and are welcome to stay for a bonfire at dusk.

Along with a brief service, this day is somewhat of an open house and guests are invited to share in music, memories, and moments to help reflect the man we hold dear. Light refreshments will be provided. Additional fare is welcome. You might also consider bringing a blanket or folding chairs to enjoy time by the water.

Memorial Flag Ceremony:

Date: Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Location: 6501 S. State Road 7, Lake Worth, FL 33449 at the South Florida National Cemetery.

Time: 12:45 PM ( All attendees must be in line at Lane 5 by 12:30 PM).

Robert served in the United States Air Force and is a veteran of the Korean War. A brief flag ceremony will be conducted in honor of his service. The partial internment of his cremated remains will be placed alongside his wife, Sandra Lynne Look in the National Cemetery.

(A private memorial will take place at a later date to scatter the last of his remains near his childhood home in Edgartown, MA on the island of Martha’s Vineyard.)

Flowers / Donations:

If you’d like to send flowers please send them to 603 NW 110th AVE. Coral Springs, FL 33071. In lieu of flowers please donate towards Alzheimer’s Association.

Holiday Gift Guide for Caregivers & Care-partners

The last thing caregivers need is more stress, and with the holidays looming I’ve attempted to reduce chaos with a simple holiday gift guide. Both caregivers and care-partners have a unique set of circumstances which can make shopping and gifting a challenge. The items below will hopefully eliminate any chance of gifts being re-gifted! I should also mention several things listed are sold through Amazon and as part of their affiliate program, I receive a small commission for guiding you to their website. Fear not! This comes at no extra charge to you, but I’m required to mention the association. That being said, I greatly appreciate your support in using my website as a vehicle for your holiday shopping. Hopefully you’ll find some goodies below.

For Caregivers

It’s probably no surprise that I am a hobby enthusiast but let’s face it, as a caregiver I have a lot of time on my hands. Not exactly free time for exploring whims but still, a significant amount of house bound hours that are grueling without personal projects. You might think that a sense of purpose would come from the careship however caregivers often preform duties to meet obligations, rather than fulfill passions. As hours stretch into years, it’s easy for a caregiver to lose sight of personal interests and fall prey to couch inertia. The lifestyle offer’s little in the way of personal development so one of the best gifts you can give someone restricted by circumstance are items that can improve their quality of life.

1. The Joy Of Cooking

My first recommendation is the Joy of Cooking cookbook. It’s a kitchen staple for long-time chefs and cooking newbies alike. There are no glamorous photos but it contains everything else. It’s like a massive index of all things cooking and you’ll be hard pressed to find a recipe that’s not listed. I recommend this book because caregiver or not, one’s future absolutely includes food. Why not gift a book that offers both a distraction with a necessary outcome... Dinner! I frequently reference my copy for everything from quick breads and cakes, to cocktails and stews. Seriously, it’s got everything; even Dutch Babies! Cooking can be a form of therapy and this book hosts hours of dishes that can help nurse a heartache or nurture health. No matter the season of life, know how to cook will always come in handy.

Joy of Cooking

By Irma S. Rombauer, Marion Rombauer Becker, Ethan Becker

Buy on Amazon

2. Set of Carving Knives

We can’t talk about caregivers without mentioning the self-care hypocrisy. The fluffy “make time for yourself”comments have never proved more telling of a societal misunderstanding. The caregivers I know frequently express frustration towards self-care directives that suggest things like an escape or break. Such advice, although well intended, is an absurdity in our reality. Most caregivers lack the the support to truly step away from their duties be it financial, emotional, or otherwise, and all the more reason to rethink self-care as an activity done in place. Forget escaping. It’s just not a legit option… But activities that provide a therapeutic distraction within the context of caregiving, might provide a more substantial escape than any short getaway. Spoon carving (or any kind of carving) is a wonderful stationary escape. It’s a mediation of sorts, allowing one to sink into new mental space and temporarily avoid the ills that can plague shared physical space. If a therapeutic gift is on your list, then considering gifting a set carving knives. There are lots of beginner carving books on the market to help folks get started and I’m available to help anyone that buys these knives with free coaching at the start of the new year.

Set Of Carving Knives

$72.00

Set of sloyd style carving knives for carving spoons, bowls, and other woodcarving crafts.

Add To Cart

3. 100 No-Equipment Workouts

If you are looking for a more traditional approach with a gift of self-care, this book offers an outlet for health while staying true to the reality of the caregiver life. Many cannot retreat to a local gym and also lack the finances to outfit their own gym at home. The workout books by Neila Rey, help eliminate those obstacles. I’ve been working my way through the one below which has been a great way to incorporate exercise into my day, and perhaps more importantly, blow-off some much need steam. Exercise is one of those things everyone needs to make time for but the caregiver lifestyle can make that a hurdle. Determining how to make time for exercise, let alone what activities to preform, can actually induce stress when one is already fighting overwhelm. This book helps eliminate those questions with simple workouts easily done at home. I’m recommending it because I use it. A small step towards “making time for myself.”

100 No-Equipment Workouts Vol. 1: Fitness Routines you can do anywhere, Any Time

By Neila Rey

Buy on Amazon

For Care-Partners

It’s not all about the caregivers. The struggle for gifting those under care is real! Many care-partners, especially seniors, can be difficult to shop for as gifts can feel meaningless. Those that suffer cognitive disorders like Alzheimer’s or Dementia may no longer understand the feelings behind the holiday gesture. Others might feel there is nothing they need and would prefer friends and family save money rather than spend it on them. Such sentiments may very well be true, but many of us still desire to shower our loved ones with gifts this time of the year. Below are a couple of items I’m giving my father this year.

1. Simon Memory Game

I’m going old school with this Simon memory game by Hasbro. You remember the one, right? Where the buttons light up with a musical tone and the player tries to repeat the order. It’s part fun and part memory therapy with a throwback to vintage games I think we both can enjoy.

Simon Game

Hasbro - Import

Buy on Amazon

2. Bed Sheets

The Simon game aside, I struggle knowing what to get my dad because his dementia disrupts so much. His favorite things of yesteryear no longer interest him. So rather than take chances I’m going with useful. New sheets! The man loves airplanes and space and luckily I can find both in bed sheets! Sheets pretty much come in every color, patterns, and thread count. If you are lost for ideas, just know you can’t go wrong with sheets.

Eddie Bauer 213020 Cotton Sheet Set, Twin, Sea Planes

Revman International

Buy on Amazon

For Both

In case you are looking to send an edible gift, I have just the thing!

1. Cookies

My favorite inspirational baker Sara C. Owens, of Ritual Fine Foods, has holiday cookie boxes that include an assortment of whole grain and heirlooms flour cookies! Now, as a baker I might be slightly biased but how can you go wrong with the wholesome touch of artisan baking?

“Ritual Fine Foods seeks to bring awareness to ancient ingredients, traditional preparations, and sustainable farming practices in the context of modern expression and enjoyment. Our provisions are made with a commitment to the cyclical nature of the seasons and the rituals created around farming, feasting, baking, and celebratory life events. ”

— Ritual Fine Foods

Click here to order cookies and browse the other offerings by Ritual Fine Foods. Boxes are limited so go on. Get! The clock is ticking on this one.

There’s probably lots of things I forgot here so don’t hesitate to add your ideas! Birthdays and other gifting events are just around the corner so don’t hold back. This can be a tough crowd to shop for so the more the merrier when it comes to recommendations.

Have a wonderful holiday season! And good luck managing any overwhelm. It’s a busy time but we’ll get through it.;)

25 Day Christmas Splits Challenge

In effort to finish the year strong, and help motivate anyone needing a push, Erika (my childhood bestie) and, are going to recreate this photo. Yup. Splits-fest! We are implementing our own, 25 Day Christmas Splits Challenge. It’s been more than three decades and trust me, it will take a Christmas miracle, but it’s a good excuse for us to get together and “practice” and get me out of my damn chair! As the final month of the year, it feels only right to pay tribute to December as the “home stretch”. With a whole month left till the end of 2018, we still have time to make good on whatever promises we made back in January. Now, four weeks is a good amount of time. It’s not a lot of time but it’s a reasonable chunk and if you apply yourself, you could probably see progress in whatever your goal. Every year Erika and I say we are going to recreate this shot and every year passes without any effort. Well, not this year! Crunch time is upon us and tis the freakin’ season! And, if you read yesterday’s post then you know I’ve been extra sedentary lately. It’s now or never folks. This has to happen.

Normally, I’m not one to promote fitness during the holidays (or vacations). No use in missing out on the glorious goodies this time of year brings. My approach typically is to go all in. I eat everything, lounge endlessly watching Christmas movies, and bask in the decadent joy of the season. By the time New Year’s comes along, I’m saddled with plenty of motivation to make a fresh start. Well, I guess you could say Christmas came early? I am so desperate for a change of pace that cookies and glogg are of little interest. See?! I told you! Something is wrong!!!

I’m hoping the infusion of extra movement will have me back to my old self lickety-split. I need an injection of holiday cheer ASAP, and I figure the best way to achieve that right now is with a healthy intention. A flexibility goal seems like a perfect step towards feeling better. Not to mention, flexibility is easily practiced at home which is a must for the caregiver lifestyle. And the good news is we’ll be sharing snippets of progress with you along the way. How’s that for joy? Nothing like awkward internet photos to help spread some holiday cheer, am I right? It’s like the a horrible version of an advent calendar but we’re going for it! It can’t be any worse than coal. And thank gawd Harry Cline offered us those yoga suggestions with his guest post yesterday cause we are gonna need them!

You can follow along via the Stories section of the How to Feed a Senior, Instagram account but don’t judge cause we’ve got that covered. This photo alone has me zeroing in on my sweet haircut and my graceful claw. For all the haters when it comes to aging, I think this photo is proof that things get better with time. Clearly, the years have been kind and I’m hoping this also applies to the next 25 days. Keep your finger’s crossed for a Christmas miracle folks, and let me know if your up for the challenge or doing one of your own! Group accountability always helps.

Speaking of Christmas, I created a holiday gift guide for foodies if any of you are in search of ideas. I have two more in the works for both caregivers and spoon carvers which I’ll post when they are ready.

Also, if anyone make it visit to Santa, you should tell him Lickety-Split and Snippets would be good reindeer names! Just sayin’…

Merry, merry friend! I’ll see you over on Instagram stories. And don’t laugh! Or do… but trust me, it’s going to be painful.;)

3 Big Benefits of Yoga for Seniors and Caregivers

Lately, my biggest grip about being a caregiver is how sedentary I have become. I spend most of my days watching my dad watch TV and it is literally killing me. I’m developing aches and pains from the lack of movement. I’m agitated and cranky almost all the time which can’t be good for my blood pressure. And perhaps the worst is knowing I should do more but don’t and so it’s all of the above with a dose of guilt to go with it. Cheers to meh…(Insert eye roll here.) Fortunately, I trust this is just a phase. I’ve always been a relatively active person. I’ve dabble in seasons of less movement but for the most part exercise is my health insurance. I know how important it is to one’s overall sense of wellness which is why I am so happy to introduce you to Harry Cline.

Harry is the creator of NewCaregiver.org and author of the upcoming book, The A-Z Home Care Handbook: Health Management How-Tos for Senior Caregivers. He is a retired nursing home administrator, father of three, and caregiver to his ninety-year-old uncle. He is more than familiar with the challenges and rewards of caregiving and understands the role is often overwhelming for those just starting out. Through creating his website and writing his new book, he offers caregivers everywhere help and support. We are lucky to have him with us today to help shed some light on the role of flexibility. That’s right folks! FLEXIBILITY! And balance and mindfulness… But as we move into December we should be remember that this is the “home stretch” of 2018 and there is still time to finish strong. Since both seniors and caregivers (or anyone for that matter) stand to benefit from developing a consistent yoga and meditation practice, Harry is here to share his tips and help us get started.

Here’s Harry!

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Yoga is for everybody. It might sound cliché, but it’s true. There are many benefits of doing yoga for people of all ages and any fitness level. Chances are, you already know this. Perhaps your friends do yoga at a Silver Sneakers class. Maybe your physician told you how yoga can help ease those morning aches and pains. Yoga can be good for you physically, but did you know that yoga has a mental advantage, as well?

Aging isn’t easy, but neither is being a caregiver. Doing yoga together can help alleviate stress and tension while also getting your bodies moving. Caregivers often have little time for self-care, so doing yoga together is a great way to encourage them to work on their own physical and mental health. The same yoga sequences that can benefit seniors can also benefit caregivers.

1. Balance

There are many yoga postures that help improve balance, which has a positive impact on memory and brain function. The brain is home to your body’s balance sensors, so poses that focus on balance can be positive for seniors who may be experiencing mild cognitive impairment. These kinds of poses can also help improve your agility, which can help prevent falls. Balance poses require our attention every second, which improves the equilibrium in both our minds and bodies.

Try This Balance Pose: Tree

Standing with one leg planted firmly on the floor, bring the foot of your opposite leg to your ankle, calf, or thigh. This is the start of tree pose. You can stretch your arms out to the side, press them together in front of your chest, or raise them up over your head. If you feel a little wobbly on your feet, hold on to the back of a chair, a door frame, or a wall.

 2. Flexibility

As we age, our bodies become tighter and tenser. This is also true if we are more sedentary or stressed. Yoga improves flexibility by helping our muscles, tendons, and ligaments elongate and stretch so that our bodies let go and release. It’s important to take it slow -- if a pose is uncomfortable, but you can breathe through it, see if you can stick it out for five to 10 breathes. However, if it feels painful, back out until you find a place that is a comfortable challenge.

Try This Flexibility Pose: Sitting Pigeon

There are several ways to do a pigeon pose. If you’re new to working on flexibility, sit firmly on the floor with your knees bent and feet flat on the ground. Plant your hands behind your back and lean back a bit. Bring your right ankle on to your left thigh just below your knee. If you want to deepen the stretch, bring your right hand to your right knee and apply gentle pressure. If this pose is easy for you, try a more advanced version of pigeon posture.

3. Mindfulness

Yoga helps us connect our minds and bodies, increasing awareness about how we feel and why we act. Yoga, which literally translates as “to yolk,” makes that connect by emphasizing meditation and a focus on breathing. One way to make yoga a habit with you and your caregiver is to set up a meditation space in your home. Choose an area free of distractions and with nice natural light. Roll out your yoga mat, set out a few cushions and light a candle, set out aromatherapy scents, or play calming music.

Try This Breathing Activity: Three-Part Breath

Sit comfortably on the floor or a chair. Roll your shoulders back and down and put space between your ears and your shoulders. Place your right hand on your chest and your left hand over your belly button. Inhale into your belly — your left hand should push forward. Then, move the inhale upward, drawing the air in between your ribs and finally in your chest. Exhale in reverse. Practice making this breath smooth and fluid, like a wave rolling up when you inhale and down when you exhale.

 Yoga can help both you and your caregiver improve your physical and mental well-being. However, just as important -- or maybe even more -- it can bring you closer together, creating a happier, low-stress household.

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Me again…

This topic brings up several thoughts specifically in terms of relationships. I’ve long been searching for an alternative version of “mommy and me” activities that are more aptly appropriate to adult children and their aging parents. It is true that both seniors and caregiver stand to benefit from engaging together in activities. Additionally, activities that promote the physical well-being across generations stand to gain broad acceptance as both youth and elderly populations find their lives increasingly intertwined. But the question is HOW? I anxiously await programs that recognize that senior wellness initiatives must also apply to their caretakers. Programs like Silver Sneakers offer desirable benefits to the senior demographic but I wonder how many would-be participant don’t enroll because of limitations surrounding their caregiver’s access? This trend is also visible at senior centers where age restrictions often limit caregivers from attending and therefore keep many seniors from utilizing available community resources. I see a growing need to bridge this arena if we truly want to improve the culture of aging in America. The exclusivity surrounding age related access is a disservice to quality of life, and I look forward to more perspectives like Harry’s that highlight the intersection of seniors and those that care for them!

And if you are a caregiver, I would love to hear your experience finding activities that cater to both you and your care person. I’ve struggled finding activities that offers both my father and I and opportunity to grow. Aside from the local library (which could benefit their service by creating a senior section mush like a children’s section) I’ve experienced very little in the way of mutually supported service. Rather, what I observe, is the catering to one or the other which feels more like a wedge between the two world and thereby crippling either’s ability to thrive. I, like many caregivers, live without the luxury of separating our experiences. Our lives are conjoined and that I’ve come to accept, but as a caregiver I feel the marginalization of this role. I want to hear your thoughts about organizations, ideas, and/or experiences aimed at addressing this unique circumstance. How can we fill this gap?

In Loving Memory Of Gratitude On Thanksgiving

Last year, I remember going through the effort to create a fabulous Thanksgiving meal. I made all the sides and meticulously selected the dishes for serving them. I prepped dough for pies, made cranberry sauce, and even brined my turkey in preparation. I remember tending to my small flower garden and freshly picking a bouquet for a vase to display on our kitchen table. I remember finding a yellow table linen and some candle sticks, archived in a closet, and pulled them out to add even more of a sense of holiday spirit. I spent the whole week really, just getting ready, and true to food blogger form, I shared much of those moments on social media. But here’s the thing about social media… The communities we make online are never a substitute for the real thing. At the end of the day, my Thanksgiving extravaganza, as much as it was “shared,” was a lonesome table for none. A table for one never felt more lonesome because even I was a no-show. Why bother if it’s just for me? My father wasn’t interested in anything more than his usual peanut butter and jelly and I mostly felt defeated in recognizing the reality. I had no one to really share my Thanksgiving meal with and I couldn’t help wondering, what was the point?

“The communities we make online are never a substitute for the real thing.”

Fortunately, my childhood best friend Erika, invited my dad and I to her mother’s house. Prior to her phone call, I felt sad for myself. I went to great lengths to create a Thanksgiving feast, so intent for the purpose of sharing but without a single human to enjoy it with. I actually felt pathetic… Showboating for a social media post… It took some effort to convince my dad but we went and so did my side dishes! It was remarkable to witness generations of a single family all in one place, eating and laughing, and even arguing at times but ultimately enjoying each other’s company.

Erika saved my day but there are many folks without someone to share in a sense of togetherness. The company we keep helps form our communities and a life without the presence of another is depressing at best. We are increasingly separated by circumstance, be it a natural disaster, political differences, civic duties and your run-of-the-mill, family dynamics. There are endless reasons for why we can’t come together, which makes me think that the effort to unite is time well spent. The holidays give us that reason. They provide great impetus to strive for union even as aspects of life will forever remain obstacles. But defeat is not an option, right? Challenges, no matter how they appear, are opportunities to double down and compound efforts when they matter most. So this year, in recognition of so many that are separated by unfortunate circumstances, I am sharing gratitude and hoping it carries good tidings to someone that feels lost, or helpless, or alone , due to playing the tough hand life’s dealt.

“You don’t have the right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt.
You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding.”

— Cheryl Strayed

So, in honor of November’s gratitude call, I’m attempting to give back to two organizations. The first is the veteran’s organization, Hope for the Warriors, that has a scholarship program and additional support services specifically for caregivers. As a caregiver to my father, whom is a veteran of the Korean War, supporting Hope for the Warriors is an initiative I can get behind. Additionally, I have formed an unlikely friendship with a man named Richard, a Vietnam War Veteran, whom spent the last five years caring for his wife as she suffered from Alzheimer’s. Richard and I quickly bonded over the stress of the caregiver life. He has helped me some in managing my dad and has also become my mentor of sorts into the world of copper and scrapsmithing. It’s only fitting that our first collaboration serve to benefit those in similar situations. The Copper Cutlery Set is our proudest collaboration thus far and we are happy to dedicate 25% of the proceeds to help fund caregiver initiatives with Hope for the Warriors.

Richard in his shop, Photo credit: Angel Kulynych

The second organization I want to support this month is the International Association of Fire Fighters that have been heroically serving on the front lines of the wildfires raging throughout California. The Torched Oak mixing spoon is for sale with 50% of the proceeds going to IAFF as I can think of nothing more symbolic of life support than a spoon. The handle detail includes torch marks honoring the brave men and women fighting on the front lines to protect individuals and communities from the threat of wildfire. So many have already lost everything but this is a little something I (or rather, we) can give back in support.

In the scheme of things, the cash amassed for these two organizations through spoon sales is nominal and it’s easy to fall prey in thinking one’s efforts are not enough. But for the person that feels they have lost everything, the smallest of gestures can feel like the world. We live often disconnected from the impact of meaningful relationship building. I say meaningful in that feelings are exchanged over a shared experience where multiple parties connect through a mutual affection for a moment. Creation of a sense of belonging with intentional gestures to foster a fellowship for care… This is how we cultivate community.

Last year, Erika ushered me out of my depression and into her community with a small gesture of kindness. It was just a phone call, but more than that, it was care. And as you gather this Thanksgiving Day, I hope you take a moment to acknowledge that this day is special. Not for the food or the history of how Thanksgiving came to be, but the fact that we just don’t do a good job of creating opportunities to build connections. The holidays in general, for better or for worse, give us reason to be together, so let’s make it count!

3rd Quarter Report

Change is in the air and I’m ready to feel it! I want to wear it on my skin, breath it in, and bask in the sense of something new after months of anger and frustration and feeling stuck. None of this is actually new. These feelings have been ever-present as caregiving has that way of reducing your sense of freedom while feeding you a cocktail of resentment. I frequently find myself consumed by bitterness, embroiled by feelings of sacrifice without a taste of reward. They say that caregiving is a thankless job and I see the truth there but I also feel compelled to believe there is something better. A silver lining around the corner, hiding in the shadows… It’s there. It’s just awaiting discovery. And without a reminder to counter your perceptions, it’s easy to fall victim to your own worst thoughts… There is no light.

#FakeNews… It’s not that the light is not there, it’s just so hard to see it on your own. I more than know the value of community and feelings of caregiver isolation have only strengthened those beliefs. At the same time, I’m learning that it’s no one’s job to make you happy. My father is impossible to please and my efforts to cater to his every need, as if I’m a DJ for his life, gets old quick, especially when his every response is that of criticism. I can not express how deeply this cuts through me. No movie I play for him is good enough. The CDs I put on are always the wrong ones. Every meal I make is not “normal stuff”… I can accept that he has dementia and this is the result of illness but I cannot accept the feelings that somehow, I am not enough. I personalize it because it’s my every effort. It’s not a single recipe he refuses. It’s me grabbing carrots from the fridge and his head shaking no, already in protest. An immediate refusal to wait and see… Maybe it will be good? “It”… that questionable step forward that might lead us both to a better state of existence if we could both just trust the outcome will be ok. Just a single step so we might see that so-called “light”.

I must repeatedly remind myself that my job is not to make my father happy. My job is to keep him healthy and safe. Unfortunately, that means I must forgo my own happiness as our lives are inexplicably linked. But again, #FakeNews… If it’s no one’s job to provide another with happiness, than it’s a personal mission to find it for yourself. So, in an ode to gratitude I have a few things that are light worthy! Here are some recent highs:

Copper Cutlery Set

This copper cutlery set! It is a first addition set that has been crafted from 95% post-commercial consumer material. The copper was salvaged from a scrapped windlass motor off a boat (a tribute to my old life sailing with the Sea Education Association) and pieces of electrical cable found in a local junk pile. Reduce, reuse recycle? (Hi AmeriCorps Cape Cod! You are another reminder that time remains within us…) The parts were recycled and repurposed for this second life as functional art. They have assorted imperfections due to the nature of scrapsmithing however it’s specifically those details that provide the set with character and tell their story of longevity. Like us, we all live with scars but we can also chose to recognize them as marks of beauty. This cutlery set speaks that language. They are imperfectly perfect! Working with copper is a new venture for me that meets my heart at the intersection of food as craft and production through recycling. This is just the beginning and I am beyond excited to see where it leads.

Sprouted Kitchen Cooking Club

I joined a cooking club! Being that I’m a chef, you might think it’s odd that I’m following someone else’s recipes but honestly, I’m tired of wasting mental energy on everyday things. Meals are a must but the what of each meal keeps getting in the way. Time spent determining what to make is just as consuming as shopping for ingredients, prepping a recipe, and cleaning-up afterwards. These tasks are never ending and the churn and burn of making grub, wedged between the needs of caregiving has come to feel like an inescapable rut. It’s not that I don’t want to make good food. I just don’t want the puzzle of “what” day in, day out, when the complexities of senior care continue to compound my life. So, for a change of pace I signed-up for the Sprouted Kitchen Cooking Club! I’ve been following Sara Forte, the creator of Sprouted Kitchen, for a while now and her take on food run close to my own approach wholesome. This cooking club has infused some fun back into my culinary game. I have frequently experienced “cooking block” (think writer’s block) over the course of the 3 1/2 years I’ve now been in Florida. Maybe it’s that lack of seasonal change? Who knows.. All, I can say is that this club has come as a sort-of relief. It provides both freedom and structure which is exactly what I need right now, with enough room for creativity when inspiration strikes. Perfect example? Homemade pitas to compliment the Chopped Mediterranean Salad in the gallery photo above.

Homemade pita! Looks at that puff!!!

Long story short, if you are a busy caregiver or parent or anyone in need of some simplified direction on what to make for dinner you might want to consider joining the Sprouted Kitchen Cooking Club. This is my first month of participation but I can say with honesty that the recipes are both tasty and wholesome and streamlined for convenience. Put that together and boom! That’s a gratitude bomb in my book. I find myself looking forward to the weekly release of new recipes which is a cheap thrill maybe, but thrill nonetheless! That “light” lives in looking forward and the little things are not excluded.

Spoon Carving Workshop on Cape Cod

For two nights only!

Speaking of looking forward, I have something big to throw into the mix! I am excited to share that I have a spoon carving workshop on Cape Cod! I’m collaborating with Milisa Moses at the Plant Work Shop in Orleans, MA for two evenings of fun where we’ll be carving our own kitchen tools! Spoon time! Can you feel my excitement?

I often wonder if “making” has become a lost art. Within the world of technology, manufacturing, and mass production, I find myself yearning for the chance to settle into craft. Almost like a nostalgia for slowness, spoon carving has become my modern past-time. I dream about it happening on porches, around campfires, and in public spaces. It’s a hobby that is both fun to gather for or escape into. It nurtures both independence and togetherness. A foundation for community building...

I realize this is just my biased, dreamy perspective on what many might see as geeky kitchen hobby but in my many hours of carving spoons I can say for sure, that it’s not really about the spoons. It’s about the people! It’s about the conversations and the shared experience and the opportunity to make time to take time. It’s about the stories that are told as well as the silence that’s held. The holding of space…

So, to say that I am excited for this workshop is an understatement! I am over the moon at the thought of returning to my old community to share something I love with the people I love! I cannot wait! So come. We’ll make spoons but let’s also start a conversation! Let’s be together on a solo journey for craft and learn about being us!

Hand carved apple wood spoon

If you made it this far, I am impressed! That’s the look of change over here as we roll into fall. A summary of the last few months but with a view of the future. It is with a little pause for reflection I recognize that nothing about life stands still. For all the stagnation I complain about, I have to also remind myself that feelings are just feelings. Feelings are not facts and it takes a concerted effort to recognize the difference. Change is constant and when you make time to take time, you harness the power of moments. Those moments can add up to things that are truly special and with a deep breath I see that. A sigh for light.

What’s changed in your world? I’d love to hear! There is still a quarter left for 2018 which means there is still time for time…

A Goodbye Lullaby

This one is gonna hurt...

Buddy Love.  That's what my mom called him.  Our good boy that's been the glue of this house for roughly 16 years has left us this evening and it's heart breaking.

As the days pass we'll come to learn what it means to lose a caregiver.  They say that caregivers often die first, leaving behind the ones they were watching over.  He was a good look-out. Vigilant.  He alerted me to all sorts of disturbances, like when my mom would rummage in the kitchen and hide food in strange places.  He would wake me, hours before twilight, observant to my dad putting his shoes on and heading for the door.  He was invariably in the middle of things. We joked that he was the "Fun Police" cause there was no such thing as sneaky if he was around.

We've spent the last three years following him around, enthralled just enough to make Buddy our purpose.  He gave us something to do.  He protected us from the stings we inevitably inflicted upon each other. He was a coat to cry into... A friend that was always there.  Comfort.

Goodnight baby Bud. Sweet dreams...

Tips For The Long-Distance Caregiver

As some of you may know, I started the journey of caregiving several years prior to moving back to South Florida to care for my folks.  I was living in Massachusetts and was utterly in denial about the situation back home.  Having only just begun my journey into "adulting" I was somewhat naive as to how avoidance typically breeds more problems then it ever fixes.  As you might imagine, nothing got fixed. I was making frequent trips to Florida to check-up on things only to escape back to Massachusetts and ignorantly live by the expression, "out of sight, out of mind". 

Things began to escalate.  Stress was getting the best of me and it was manifesting in ways I could no longer ignore or disguise.  I lost a noticeable amount of weight and perhaps more concerning, I lost my voice.  I went through strange bouts of laryngitis that would last for months at time.  The muscles around my throat were so tight from being constantly verklempt, that the persistent laryngitis started to interfere with my work.  My professional life was falling apart because my personal life was falling apart and I hadn't even a smidge of a plan in place.  Long story short, everything about my life change abruptly.  And I mean EVERYTHING!

My naivety left me crippled and I frequently think back to how different I might have found my circumstances if I had only prepared a bit more. I think a transition would still have been inevitable but I can't help wondering if life might have been easier had I taken incremental steps toward addressing my aging parents' needs.  Baby steps to address challenges from afar might have given me more time to pack-up my belonging, leave my job with two weeks notice, and perhaps most importantly, say good-bye to my beloved friends and community in MA that I had built my life around.  I left my "life" in a state of emergency (you can read about that here) and had to sift through the mess of pieces to restore order for my folks all while allowing chaos to consume the life that I abandoned.  I was surrounded by wreckage which is why I am so happy to introduce you to Claire Wentz, the creator of caringfromafar.com.  She is the author of the upcoming book, Caring from Afar: A Comprehensive Guide for Long-Distance Senior Caregivers which I can only imagine will be a "life" saver when it is released. Claire is a former home health nurse and recognizes that our aging population means many more people will become senior caregivers over the years. Specifically, she is interested in providing assistance and support to those caregivers who do not live near their loved ones.  Below are a few of her tips on how to pull-off long distance caregiving...

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Seeing our parents become more frail with age is difficult.  Their minds and bodies may not be as capable as they once were, and sometimes we don’t live close by to help.  What can you do when mom and dad are far away and they need your assistance?

Growing older and moving farther...

Trying to help from a distance can be daunting, and it’s a challenge more of us face than ever before.  Research shows that since the turn of the century our 65 and older population grew twice as fast as other age groups, and on top of that, families are more spread out than they used to be.  The good news is there are many ways you can provide care even from afar, making life happier and healthier for your aging parents.

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

1. Share Information

You will find it helpful to get important information from your parents before facing a crisis.  Ask your parents to share with you their essential information and record it in an easily retrievable place.  You can start a notebook or computer document with their vital phone numbers, emails, medical data, and banking records.  Something as simple as a three ring binder or a spreadsheet may be all you need.  Be sure to include current prescription and pharmacy information, as well as neighbors’ contact information. There are health-monitoring devices that can be installed in your loved-one’s home to help keep track of their medication schedules as well as their daily activity. Caregivers can access this information from a website to determine if there are any issues or schedule disruptions.

While you’re at it, arranging direct deposit for mom and dad may be helpful, or you may want to set up online banking for them so you can help from the comfort of your own computer.  You can even establish automatic payments for utilities or other routine bills. 

Now is also a good time to consider preparing and recording legal documents such as a power of attorney.  You or your parents may not feel ready for that, but you are better off planning ahead rather than waiting for a crisis.

2. Enable Transportation Measures

Your parents most likely want to stay active, but may need some assistance from you.  This can be complicated if they have physical limitations, especially when you are a long-distance caregiver.  How do you help your parents keep up with their doctor visits, much less their social lives?  Fortunately, there are several options available.  Many communities are instituting senior shuttle services, taxi voucher programs, public transportation, and volunteer services.  Contact the agency on aging in your parents’ hometown, or check with some national resources for help.  Trained, professional assistance is available for your mom or dad who can’t travel alone, such as parents who are wheelchair-bound or need oxygen.  You should write down questions you want to ask before calling the agency so you can cover all of your concerns. 

3. Housekeeping and Maintenance Assistance

Keeping up with the house, lawn, and other chores that once were basic may become physically challenging for your aging mom or dad.  A visit once a week from a housekeeper or a routine meal delivery may be a huge help to your parents.  Don’t forget they may need help with the outside of the home, too. 

Remember that handling heavy equipment may be cumbersome for your elderly parents.  Also working outside on a hot day can cause seniors to overheat.  As we age, our bodies have more trouble managing heat.  Setting up help for mowing and other basic lawn care can relieve a physical burden for your parents and eliminate these concerns.  If your parents live in a climate with winter snow, also consider a snow removal service.  Professional services are available that would cover both lawn care and snow clearing, or you may want to check in with the neighbors to see if a teen could lend a hand with mowing and shoveling.

Distances can be overcome...

Even if mom and dad live far away, you have many ways to help them.  Be sure to line up all their important information and keep it handy.  Set up organized systems to help with their finances and medical concerns, and be ready if you need legal documentation.  Arrange to keep them active and mobile through area services.  And you can establish help for them in and around the house.  Taking these steps will help you keep your parents happy and healthy, even when you have to aid them from far away.

*Caring from Afar: A Comprehensive Guide for Long-Distance Senior Caregivers by Claire Wentz is under review and currently awaiting  it's release date.  Stay tuned for future announcements!

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Luckily, the age of technology is enabling long-distance caregiving in ways that previously have been unthinkable.  There are apps and websites full of resources to help anyone searching for caregiving assistance but it's important to recognize that these tools only comfort those caregivers that put in the work.  Do your research and don't wait when it comes to gathering the information.  It's overwhelming in the moment so prepare your game plan early.  Know which resources you will call upon months before you need them and talk to loved ones frequently to best understand their needs. 

Do you have any experience with long-distance caregiving?  Comment with all your pro tips cause I certainly don't have much to share in this department but this information is desprately needed  If you want to know how not to do this, well then I got you! But there are a vast many of folks facing this challenge so comment with the intel!  We need your knowledge.

Taking Control of Your Physical and Mental Health in Your Golden Years

Heyo!

June Duncan from Rise Up for Caregivers and I are back for another tag-team venture on senior health and this time we are changing-things-up!  Rather than the usual intro/outro format we are adding a bit of weaving.  Within her article, I've peppered my thoughts and added points of perspective and resources that I've found to be personally helpful during my own careship.  That's right!  Careship, which is the new term I've started to use in identifying my role as a caregiver.  Like any tour of duty, my time serving in this role is temporary.  I'm an active duty caregiver but I'm also so much more and I'm finding it increasingly important to make that distinction.  I'll have more on that topic later but for now June and I are doing our thing.  My thoughts are below in italics.

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Our lifespans are getting longer worldwide. Thanks to improvements in medical science and technology, humans have seen marked improvements over the last several decades, and many people alive now can expect to live well into their 70s and 80s. The percentage of centenarians -- that is, people who reach 100 years of age -- is also rising. The choices you make each day help determine not only how long you will live but how well you will live in your final years. Your quality of life and your quantity of years are dependent on taking care of your health right now.

See Your Doctor

The best way to ensure you stay healthy is early intervention. Regular checkups help you catch problems early when they are easier to address. Even if you feel healthy, it’s important to get regular checkups. Everyone needs an annual exam, but seniors may benefit from more frequent care. It’s also important to comply with your physician’s directives and take medication as prescribed. Get regular vaccinations, including the annual flu shot, and get tested for bone density so you can identify concerns and respond promptly. Broken bones are more dangerous for the elderly, and osteoporosis is a serious issue for your health and longevity.

I'm gonna add, take care of your feet!  If there is one thing that geriatrics could advocate a bit more for it's podiatry.  As senior mobility decreases I find it ironic that there is not more awareness around foot care.  Get pedicures!!!  And if you are a caregiver to seniors get them together.  Feet are easy to neglect, especially when they are not your own and the last thing anyone wants is long, sensitive toe nails that making walking or wearing shoes painful.  This only adds to the risk of falling so get-on these trips to the salon and self-care yourself! 

Take Care of Your Body

A healthy diet and a good exercise program will give you more energy and resilience. Talk to a nutritionist to help you identify any nutrient deficiencies you may be experiencing. Replace empty calories with nutritious fresh fruits and vegetables, protein, and heart-healthy fats. Eating well will help you heal from injury and illness, and it may also help you to improve your mood and preserve your mental cognition.

Anyone familiar with the website Blue Zones?  Their motto is "live longer, better" and exploring their research is worth the time suck.  Go get lost in their website and see what you learn...

Twice a week I would take my mom to the local gym for a program offered through Silver Sneakers.  It is a light, group exercise program for people on Medicare and I used it as an opportunity to work on my own health at the gym at the same time.  And obviously, she was all about her gym look!

Studies show that moderate exercise for as little as 30 minutes per day can lift your spirits and help you to retain your physical mobility. It helps prevent the onset of diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. You can break it up into 10-minute increments throughout the day and switch up your activities to help you stay motivated. Take a walk in the morning, go for a bike ride in the afternoon, and do yoga or tai chi in the evening.

If you are a stay at home caregiver, unable to leave the home and need your own physical outlet, I strongly recommend this book:

100 No-Equipment Workouts Vol. 1: Fitness Routines you can do anywhere, Any Time

By Neila Rey

I've been working my way through these workouts with the goal of completing all 100 by the end of 2018.  It's great for anyone too mentally exhausted to come-up with workouts.  Personally, I don't want to have to think about what I'm going to do for exercise.  I just want to do it and be done with it.  I have too many other things to think about during my day.  As for fitness, I know it's important and just want to get it done and move on.  So far this book is working for me.  It rids me of my many excuses, the biggest being "stuck at home with no time or equipment".

Lower Your Stress Response

The long-term consequences of living with high stress levels are anxiety, depression, weight gain, cardiovascular disease, and maybe even dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Exercise is a proven stress reducer, but you can enhance its effect by learning a few relaxation techniques. Focused breathing exercises help you to reduce your heart rate and blood pressure and get into a more relaxed frame of mind. Mindfulness meditation lowers stress-related hormones like cortisol in the body. Additionally, you can do things to make your life less stressful overall. Avoid over-commitment with family or friends and learn to say, “no.”

Have you tried Headspace?  It's a meditation app and website dedicated to helping you get calm.  There are subscription options for those ready to dive into a committed practice but there is also a free program that I highly recommend.  For anyone that's been a bit lost in how to get zen, Headspace offers smart guidance with a series of introductory meditations that are worth exploring. 

Just as you scale down your social obligations, you can scale down your household junk. If you haven’t used it in a year, get rid of it. Cluttered homes make people feel uneasy and sad. If they impair your ability to clean, they can even make you ill. And if there are things in your home that aren’t safe, consider making some modifications.

June and I dedicated a whole post this very topic.  You can read it right here.

Get Plenty of Rest

The physical and mental effects of sleep deprivation can lead to serious health concerns. Initially, being overtired can affect your performance and thinking in the same way as an intoxicant. But over the long term, your missed sleep can add up to diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. Set a bedtime and follow it. Cut out caffeinated beverages in the afternoon and evening to help you get sleepy at the right time. Invest in room-darkening blinds, good sheets, and comfy pillows to help you find sweet dreams.

#koolbob still reads every night before bed.

Your quality of life is a direct result of the care you give your body and mind, so make sure you’re giving yourself every opportunity to have a long, healthy life. Your loved ones want to enjoy your company for as long as possible, making memories for years to come.

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Alright, now it's your turn! Whether you are in your Golden Years or not, let us know in the comments below how you are harnessing efforts to address your physical and mental health.  We are in an age that is ripe with self-care and long drank the kool-aid that sharing is caring.  Share your self-care tips!  Tell us about resolutions, best practices, new routines, and failed attempts. You're the expert of your experience and we want to hear from you.

Sincerely,

June & Ashley

*June's book, The Complete Guide to Caregiving is expecting to be released this winter!

5 Tips For Downsizing Seniors

Hey there!

June and I are back with some tips for downsizing seniors.  This is actually much easier said than done and I can say this with certainty as I've now spent the last three years bringing a sense of order to the house I grew-up in. It was never the most organized of homes but as my parents health declined, the house grew further and further from any sense of security.  Their slide into dementia and Alzheimer's was increasingly complicated by the sheer presence of stuff.

Stuff I realize is often a sore subject.  Those that have it, struggle getting rid of it and those that inherit it feel burdened by the responsibility of managing it.  Seniors and youth often find themselves at odds.  Arguments about the value of antiques and heirlooms need to be measured alongside the expense of missed work, cost of storage, and the cost of transportation.  It's not that the youth of today value low quality items made in China or whatever the case may be, but rather the youth of today are in fact working and  providing for their own families and have purchased their own belongings as time and means allowed.  As any generation with the privileged to afford goods, they purchase items that speak to them with regard to their personal taste, budget, and space.  The assumption that items will be passed on and swapped out can belittle the hard work one took to establish their own household and I encourage seniors to pause before assuming younger generations will want their wares.  I would also encourage younger generations to ask questions and learn the history behind family belongings as many items are valuable because of their stories.

Part storage, part childhood... 

Needless to say, "stuff" is a complicated subject for families and June from Rise Up for Caregivers is here with a handful of tips to help give the process of downsizing some momentum. Read hers below and please share any you have discovered.  Decluttering and downsizing can be a massive undertaking so please don't hold back on suggestions!

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For seniors, there are plenty of reasons to need to downsize - you’re moving to a smaller home, moving to an assisted living community, decluttering to make aging in place easier, or simply because you want to get rid of some things and streamline your life. Whatever the reason, it’s never a pleasant task to begin, however, the results are usually rewarding. Here are some tips to make it more manageable.

Put gadgets in boxes

This is a trick to figure out exactly what you use and what you don’t. If you have a month or two to spare (before a move, for instance), pack up like items into boxes. Put all of your kitchen gadgets, electronic gadgets, and other gadget-like items in their own boxes. Now, over the course of the next couple of months, take out the items as you need them. What’s left in the box after a few weeks are items you probably don’t need. Do note, this works best for “useable” items. There are plenty of things that you won’t “use” in the course of a month that you still want to keep like photos, jewelry, and other sentimental items.

Institute a “one in, one out” rule with collections

When it comes to books, DVDs, CDs, and other types of collections, we can amass more than we know what to do with by the time we are seniors. One way to make downsizing these collections easier is to institute a one in, one out rule. For every one you keep, throw one out (or donate it).

Precisely measure your new living space

This tip is crucial if you’re moving to a retirement community, where you’ll have significantly less living and storage space. Have a loved one go to your new space and measure everything - closets included. Make a quick sketch of the floor plan and then get to work planning where everything will go. Once you have a place for everything you truly need in your new retirement community space, it’ll be easier to part with the stuff that simply cannot fit.

Go digital

Downsizing is about getting rid of physical items to unburden yourself and create more space, but that doesn’t mean you have to get rid of memories. Use internet storage to your advantage. If you have a bunch of old photo albums or scrapbooks, think about scanning these images into a computer and uploading them to an online photo storage site (here are some of the best). If you have other keepsakes and mementos, take photos of them and get rid of the physical item. This will allow you to keep the memory, but ditch the bulky items. More on downsizing your photo collections here.

Take “maybe” out of your vocabulary

When deciding what to keep, what to throw away, and what to donate, you should make those decisions as you pack and organize. Ditch the “maybe” pile. If you allow yourself the option of not making a decision on an item, you’re much more likely to keep it later on. If you truly want to downsize, you have to make hard choices as you go.

Downsizing is always going to be stressful. For many, it can be downright emotional. Getting rid of possessions is never going to be easy, but it’s vital if you’re moving to a smaller living space or simply want to declutter your life to give yourself more independence. Start early, give yourself time to organize, make tough decisions as you go, and don’t be afraid to get rid of duplicate items. In the end, you may find that you feel better - or at least less burdened - after you rid yourself of all that physical baggage.

Stuff just hanging out in the dinning room. It wasn't just a matter of what to do with the stuff.  I had to to first assess what the stuff even was!  

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Ok, now its your turn!  Please comment below with thoughts and suggestions or any best practices you have on this topic.  I personally find it overwhelming  and as you can tell from the pictures above I have many thoughts on this subject.  So many in fact I found it hard to capture my thoughts and needed to pull June in to help us get the conversation going. Let's here your suggestions!  I'll add some of my own thoughts in the comments and we'll see where the topic goes.

Daily Needs Assessment: A Key to Quality of Life

Hi folks!

I'm back here with another guest post from June Duncan, the author of the soon to be released book The Complete Guide to Caregiving and creator of Rise Up for Caregivers.  This time around she comes to us with great information relating to senior independence and some tips for assessing when a caregiver may need to step in.  Identifying these things early can help caregivers (or future caregivers) mitigate problems. Forecasting possible scenarios is a step towards putting a plan in place and I speak from experience when I say you don't want to be caught off guard.  Many of these suggestions are short-term solutions that can help pad the timeline surrounding a more significant transition.  It can be overwhelming to tackle all at once but take notice, address what you can, and begin assessing the needs of your senior loves. 

Now, some words from June:

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Image courtesy of Pixabay

Caregiving for a senior loved one can feel like walking around in the dark sometimes.  However, there are key ways to improve your senior’s quality of life and meet needs more clearly.  With a well-defined assessment, you can enhance your loved one’s independence and relieve that stumbling-in-the-dark sensation.

Gauging independence

Certain tasks performed in everyday life are necessary for independent living.  Those tasks are termed Activities of Daily Living (ADLs), and include items such as dressing, bathing, eating, using the toilet, and being able to move from laying down to standing.  Sometimes with a little support in these areas, seniors can continue living at home and remain reasonably independent.  The first step in deciding whether your loved one can safely remain at home is clearly gauging how much assistance is required in performing those tasks.  Carefully assess your senior’s ability in each of the ADLs, using a sliding scale on how much help is needed to accomplish each task.  This may seem a bit overwhelming, but there are a number of tools available for making this evaluation, such as the Bristol Activities of Daily Living Scale. 

Simple alterations

Once you complete an assessment of your senior’s abilities, review your loved one’s living situation.  Oftentimes, the home environment can be effectively improved with minimal effort, allowing greater safety and peace of mind.  Ensure the main living area is entirely on one floor, with access to a bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.  Then review the living area for enhanced mobility and reduced safety risks. 

For example, the National Institute on Aging recommends reducing slipping and tripping hazards in the home.  You can do this by removing furniture and opening floor space for your loved one.  Reduce clutter such as magazine racks and piles of newspapers, and eliminate or secure throw rugs.  Stairwells should include a sturdy railing for support, and electrical cords should be safely secured away from walkways to reduce the risk of tripping on them.  Ideally, floors should offer improved traction; you can leave surfaces unpolished or install nonskid strips to enhance your senior’s safety.  Some experts also suggest removing thresholds so your senior doesn’t need to navigate steps in and out of the home and between interior rooms.

Improving visibility is another simple but important way to enhance your loved one’s safety and independence.  Even if your senior is still enjoying good physical vision, sometimes comprehending what is being seen is an issue.  There are several simple ways to help.  Stairs can be marked with different colored tape so the changes in levels are more easily seen.  Similarly, use high-contrast colors for floors and walls.  Eliminate window coverings and rugs with complex, confusing patterns. 

For better accessibility in bathrooms and kitchens, consider installing lever-style faucet handles instead of knobs.  Single levers are best, since they are not only easy to grip but also reduce the risk of scalding.  Use base cabinets for the majority of storage so your senior doesn’t need to climb to reach items, and add lazy Susans and pull-out drawers to reduce bending.  Some professionals advise adding grab bars in bathrooms to reduce risk of falls. 

Services and resources

When considering what ways your loved one’s quality of life can improve, explore resources in the local community.  As the experts at HomeAdvisor explain, seniors can often enjoy remaining in their own homes through the benefits of supportive services.  Meal providers can deliver nutritious food and reduce shopping and meal preparation responsibilities.  Transportation services can allow your loved one to run errands and reach medical appointments even if driving isn’t feasible.  Money management professionals help seniors who are no longer able to perform all of their bookkeeping obligations.  For specific services and resources available in your locality, contact your Area Agency on Aging. 

Assessment is key

A good assessment will help you identify your senior’s limitations.  Once you have a clear understanding of where needs are, you can directly address those concerns.  By modifying the living environment and employing supportive services, you can improve quality of life for both you and your aging loved one.

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Alright, now it's your turn.  Do any of you have experience implementing any of these suggestions?  Or, do you have any questions that June or I might be able to address?  We understand that the world of caregiving is increasingly isolated and decision making is often challenging without a sounding board or support system to help provide some perspective.  As always, this space strives to create a community for the unique needs of caregivers so please don't hesitate to tell us your thoughts.  We want to hear from you but we also want to learn from you. Drop us your thoughts and lets get to discussing!

Life Updates- 2017/2018

It's been a while since I've done an update but let it be known that no news is good news!  At the close of 2017, things were moving rather quickly.  Suddenly, life had an uptick. I needed to refocus some priorities and maintain momentum.  And just like that, January was over too.  Again, all good stuff and I hope this tide continues, however caregiving remains the riptide and it dictates everything else. So, here's what's been goin' on...

December 2018

Spoons

Hand carved, wooden spoon...

December was incredible for my spoon venture.  I sold 4 spoons at the end of the year and felt the pressure of filling "orders".  This still blows my mind. I officially opened the shop section of this website only a year ago and it's been so well received.  I can hardly establish an inventory but that's a production problem that fills my heart. 

In addition to selling spoons, I thought I would explore the knife business by selling carving knives to budding carvers.  In theory, this is great but the reality of shipping knives in the mail without proper blade protection is a bit of a liability.  Safety first! I needed to make protective sheaths...  Wha-what? Knife sheaths?!  As you might imagine, I was clueless, especially for this curved blade below.

Curved blade knife used for carving the bowl part of a wooden spoon.

YouTube was full of suggestions for straight blades but the curved blade left me stumped.  Insert Jesse, a good friend and owner of the Jewelry Studio of Wellfleet.  She suggested I take the leather jewelry class offered through the Art School at the Boca Raton Museum of Art. The logic here was that instructor would likely have enough experience in leather working to point me in the right direction. It would be a fun class and get me out of the house.  Sure enough, that's exactly what happened!  

Leather Jewelry Course

Honestly, the class didn't exactly fulfill my sheath dreams but it did solidify fun into my schedule.  I got so much joy from the creative process.  Learning something new scratched my own creative itch.  It helped break-up the caregiving monotony and the perpetual thoughts of feeling stuck.  This leather class reconnected me with my "old" self, the person I was before this whole mess started and reminded me of these wise words by Nayyirah Waheed in her book Salt.

“Where you are, is not who you are.”

— Circumstance

The class reminded me that at heart I'm a maker and my soul is forever analogue.  I fell in love with the process. Leather work aligned with my attraction to raw materials.  Something about it clicked.  Below are a few bracelets that represent the beginning of a brand new hobby:

Adjustable, yellow-dyed leather bracelet with eyelet detail.

Secured, teal-dyed leather bangle with brass and nickle eyelets and riveted closure.

Secured, navy-dyed leather bangle with assorted rivets.  Cause, I love rivets!

January 2018

#koolbob - Health Update

Unfortunately, it's not all fun and games. My dad was in the hospital at the end of the year. We made our way to the ER at 3 AM via ambulance which my hope is for the last time.  The event proved tragic for both of us.  Awaking to his health concerns in the middle of the night, I was forced to recognize the hopelessness of our situation as I too was sick.  Only hours before I was throwing up for some unknown reason.  Food poisoning?  Flu? No idea... But the reality was stark. We were alone.  I was slow to respond and overwhelmed at the crisis.  I called 911 somewhat unsure if he was having a 911 moment.  This is a frequent mental debate I think many caregivers experience.  Is the given episode worth the chaos that follows?  Am I ready to light this match?

True to form, that phone call was the match that started a fire, and swept us straight into all the misgivings of the healthcare system. If it were my own life, then I might be more obliging to the procedural side of things.  The parlay of treatment makes sense in regard to the longevity of health but not when measured alongside that of dementia.  My father (and I suspect many seniors that end up in the ER), became a matter of medical whims.  A test subject for assumptions...  The inability to describe what's wrong often leads to random tests, many of which are safeguards backing medicare compliance and have little to do with physical health and everything to do with who picks up the tab.  The liability on part of the healthcare industry is much too great and therefore procedural tests and treatments, (several of which I now know were absolutely unnecessary) have become the backbone in determining a diagnosis for many elderly.  This medical process of elimination is nothing short of confusing for anyone with some form of dementia and is often physically painful.  The excruciating cries, barely muffled by a curtain, are damages accrued to both the individual and their caretaker.  Where one feels the physically pain, the other is destroyed at heart, and the over all sense of hurt and suffering only gets compounded. It's these visceral cries that continue to haunt me from my mom's sudden passing.  These sounds I can't unhear...  Sounds that have been nothing short of brutalizing and ring all the more loudly when it comes to paying premiums.  Ultimately, my dad's hospital trip proved "minor".  He was discharged later in the day with a diagnosis of mild constipation and some acid reflux.  We were sent home nearly 10 hours later with over the counter prescriptions and I had a new headache in how to unwind the trauma he just incurred. 

What people don't realize is that managing dementia is the art of managing chaos.  Rather than implement chaotic measure at the ER, staff could better their services by foregoing some procedures and listening first to patients between their garbled words and observing their behaviors in their most basic form.  Treating through the distortion is not exactly "treating" a dementia patient and the health profession could learn a lot by just looking and listening.   Doctors will likely refute this statement but that illustrates the refusal to listen.  To truly care for someone with dementia you must first care for their environment.  Actions and procedures need to be assessed with regard to overall comfort because it's what happens later, behind the scenes, that ultimately impact one's quality of life.  

“To truly care for someone with dementia you must first care for their environment.”

When we returned home, my father's anxiety was at an all-time high.  He was restless, experiencing a new pain (urinary, because he was forced to have a catheter rather than water that would help him pee on his own), and agitated in a way that I found abnormal to his norm.  He repeatedly said he was in pain and dying, leaving me again feeling helpless and ultimately hopeless.  Somehow we got through the night and after a follow-up check-in with his primary, it was determined after he left the hospital (where he had an EKG) and prior to this doctor's visit where he had another EKG, he suffered a heart attack.  The worst part is that I think I watched it.  I saw it happening and yet remained inactive both out of fear that another hospital trip might in fact kill him while also taking foolish comfort in the idea that he would never have been discharged if his condition was at all serious.  His condition at the time was not serious but his endured stress from the experience went overlooked.

Long story short, I enrolled him into hospice care shortly there after.  For those of you that feel sorrow towards what you think hospice means, I encourage you to do some research. (You can start right here.)  This is actually one of the best decisions I have made and stand by their approach of patient and family centered comfort-care.  I'm happy to share more about this decision in the comments or through private messaging if you want but for now just know that this is a good thing. I'm hoping the hospice team will enable my dad to live his best version of life for the time that remains. I want to do small things with him when I can and I don't want to live in fear that taking him somewhere might risk his health.  He's almost 86 years old.  The risks are plenty obvious!  But I need to part ways with the burden of caregiver guilt and feel confident there is a team of health professionals that get us. We want to live life, not wait for its passing.  Thus begins our new forward perspective... and below is a little taste of what that looks like.

At the Boca Raton air field for the WWII airplane tour.

Knife Sheath Class

Ok, back to knife sheaths!  At the start of the new year, like a gift from the universe a leather knife sheath class was being offered locally.  (Wwwhhhaaaaattt?!!!!!!!!!!!) Clearly heeding the sign, I enrolled.  It was a five hour workshop and as expected, it was for straight blades. But, beggars can't be choosers!  I took my straight craving knife to the class thinking I needed a sheath that runs parallel to my belt.  Not the perpendicular style where the knife points down.  I wanted it across my lower back all discrete like a bad a**.  Granted, this is a work in progress but you kinda get the idea.  Just imagine this sheath like a rugged tramp stamp.  You with me?!

Straight knife sheath for my Mora carving knife.

Spoon Carving Class

Well, you know how one thing leads to another. It just so turns out that the place that was offering the sheath classe is interested in hosting a spoon carving class! Like a true act of fate, I met the fine folks over at The Guild Folk Art School and in a few short weeks we will be hosting a spoon carving class for the community.  I'll keep you posted on dates when we work that all out but in the mean time, take a look at their offerings.  Everything from blacksmithing to ceramics to knife making (you know that's next;)) and more!  Take a look. 

Darebee Exercise Challenge

Another new year high has been completing this 30 Day HIIT Challenge during the month of January.  There are lots of excuses I could have made to fall short on this goal but when my friend Erika sent it to me post binge eating holidays (which I continue to stand by!), I  realized, I had no excuse.  I could make excuses but none of them truly held weight and rather then complain or pass judgement on why this challenge wouldn't work, I just committed. I suspended judgement and expectations and pursued the challenge of discipline.

I find it easy to fall prey to the inertia of caregiving and neglect things.  What's worse is society almost makes the excuses for me... "Oh, go easy on yourself.  You have a lot on your plate".  That might sound reasonable but deep down I know when I'm being lazy.  So yeah... An experiment in exercise but more, an experiment in follow-through.

About two weeks in I realized the hard part about exercise for me is just knowing what I was going to do on a given day.  Good intentions are nothing without action.  This challenge told me exactly what to do and no equipment was necessary.  Bingo! I have no mental space to create an exercise strategy here.  Just tell me what to do and I'll do it!  So, I also pulled the trigger on this workout book! I figure, 100 workouts to complete over the rest of 2018 shouldn't be so hard.  That's about 9 workouts a month (cause it's February now) which seems more than manageable. And the no equipment necessary/can-do anywhere factor helps eliminate the obvious excuses. 

If you are curious what's inside I put an Amazon link below. It's the same deal at the challenge link above but expanded.  Also, if you have any suggestions for timer apps please send them my way!!!  

100 No-Equipment Workouts Vol. 1: Fitness Routines you can do anywhere, Any Time

By Neila Rey

As for anyone following my pistol squat attempts, just know that they are coming... one day.  Not sure why I thought I'd have those down in a month but reality checks are a good thing!

Alright, that has to be it for now.  I'm impressed if you are still reading this!  I could keep going but my soul is running dry from being on the computer this long.  I told you I was analogue. ;)

TL;DR- Life updates

* This page contains an Amazon affiliate link. If you click on the affiliate link and make a purchase, I will earn a commission at no extra cost to you. This helps maintain the cost of How To Feed A Senior. Thank you for your support.

 

Self-Care In The Chaos Of Caregiving

Today I want to introduce you to June Duncan, the author of the upcoming book The Complete Guide to Caregiving.  It's due for release in 2018 and offers support for friends and family members who have taken on the responsibility of caring for their loved ones. She is also the co-creator of Rise Up for Caregivers as well as the primary caregiver to her 85 year old mother.  Yes, it's all things caregiver and caregiving!  She is here today with a peak into the world of self-care with some handy tip to any new caregivers just touching down in the trenches.  Take a moment to read her words and suggestions and please comment with any thoughts or feedback.  We all recognize the need for more "village" support and therefore we  would love to hear from you on tactics that you feel do and don't work.  Thanks in advance for your participation and thank you June for embarking on the task of creating this much needed resource!

Cue June:

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Image courtesy of Pixabay

Taking care of the needs of a senior loved one is stressful, and many of us learn the hard way that life needs to be balanced to be healthy and happy.  The good news is that a lot of other people are in the same boat, so if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re not alone.  It’s vital that you don’t neglect your own health, or you won’t be able to perform well as a caregiver.  You can reach the breaking point if you aren’t careful. 

You’re not alone

Americans are living longer, and as a result, more of us are providing supportive care to elderly family and friends than ever before.  Mayo Clinic notes that 80 percent of long-term caregiving is performed by informal caregivers.  If you are providing care to an elderly loved one, you are at risk for caregiver stress.  No matter how much you love someone, tending to their needs and watching them decline is a heavy burden.  Many times, the caregiver’s own health suffers, reducing the ability to function in many ways.  Watch for these signs that you could be overdoing it:

●     Moodiness, irritability or angering easily

●     Significant changes in weight

●     Changes in sleep habits

●     Feeling exhausted

●     Feeling overwhelmed or anxious

●     Feeling sad or depressed

●     Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy

●     Frequent headaches, pain or illness

●     Substance abuse; drinking too much or abusing drugs, including prescriptions

Self-care

It’s critical to learn to take care of your own needs and embrace self-care.  Caregiving is demanding.  Without a self-care plan, your mental and physical health can decline.  Make your burden lighter and recognize you are doing it for both yourself and your loved one.

●     Reach out.  Don’t try to do everything yourself.  Ask family members and friends to give you a break.  Think of some options and let your helper pick something to tackle, like taking your senior on an errand or for a walk, or preparing a meal once a week. 

●     Stay connected.  Engage in a support group.  Set aside time to spend with friends, and don’t become isolated.

●     Be realistic.  Make lists and prioritize. Do what you can when you can.

●     Take care of your health.  See your personal physician, and don’t put off your routine exams.  Get enough sleep, eat right and exercise. 

Finding time

You’re probably thinking to yourself that you are already maxed out; how can you squeeze in time for doctor visits, much less exercising?  The AARP offers some great advice on organizing your schedule and realizing these goals.

●     Schedule it.  Make arrangements for respite, whether from an agency or family members.

●     Organize and communicate.  Review schedules and commitments ahead of time with those sharing the caregiving burden.  Make sure there are no gaps in coverage, and that things like appointments are coordinated. 

●     Divide duties.  List responsibilities and delegate who will do what.  Make sure everyone understands who handles insurance issues, who orders prescriptions, and so on.  This eliminates concerns of schedule gaps and of duplicating efforts.

Physical well-being

Exercising is vital to your self-care routine.  According to the professionals at the Mental Health Foundation, we need to keep moving.  Activity is good for your bones, muscles and flexibility, and will also improve your mental health and well-being.  You can be active through household chores, running errands or organized exercise.  It doesn’t take long.  According to the American Psychological Association, “Usually within five minutes after moderate exercise you get a mood-enhancement effect.”

A home gym

A small home gym is a practical addition to a caregiver’s lifestyle.  It’s inexpensive, you only need a little elbow room, and you can squeeze in a workout when it’s convenient.  A handful of well-chosen pieces of equipment, like a yoga mat, dumbbells and resistance bands, will put you well on your way to fitness with minimal space, time and money.

Meet your own needs

Without tending to your own needs, your mental and physical health will suffer, and you can’t be as effective in your role.  Develop a self-care plan, get organized, manage your time well and make exercise convenient.  By taking these steps, your life will be more balanced, healthier, and you’ll be a better caregiver.

Author: June Duncan

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Ok, now its your turn!  Do you feel your own health suffering?  Do you have a self-care regimen?  Are you meeting your own needs or can you express the obstacles that stand in your way?  Many of these things are easier said than done so it's important we share tips and strategies for tangible ideas that work.  The caregiver community is growing exponentially yet public resources remain scarce.  Truly addressing challenges will only come from the voices living them so lets hear it!  I'll go first.  The best thing I have done for myself within the world of caregiving/self-care was to create a schedule.  It sounds silly in that the idea of creating a schedule is obvious however, personal circumstances warrant personal tailoring for something to stick and sticking is the hard part!  You can read about it here if you are curious but now it's your turn.  Do tell!

How To Cope With Caregiver Guilt

Life is what we make of it, right?  This is what we are told.  That if we push through time with the right amount of vigor, we can achieve our dreams with a full heart and a happy ending.  But rarely do these tales mention entrapment via circumstance.  Seldom do they reflect that choice is usually conditional. 

White Pumpkin Recipe 1: Curry pumpkin soup with barley, fresh tomatoes, scallions, cilantro and coconut milk.

As caregivers we are often accustomed to squelched hope and rarely do these stolen dreams leave us clues for reparations.  However, a passage through loss, be it people or dreams, is never short on perspective.  Hindsight hurts for all the things we didn’t see before.  The pain doesn’t stem from whom or what is now gone; it’s a pain from recognizing what we had, and the failure then, to act.  It’s all the missed opportunities we can’t get back, and learning in the now, how to sit with forever. These are the seeds of our guilt and no one else can help us sow them.

White Pumpkin Recipe 2: Pumpkin paratha with cumin seeds and cilantro.

Caregiver guilt is akin to a wet blanket and industry insiders are quick to call for its disposal. It’s heavy, burdening one’s mental health, and hardly the stuff of optimism that dominates the world of self-care.  But in truth that blanket, wet as it may be, is constructed of fibers, entwined with layers that represent so much more than what most outsiders perceive.  It’s a compass that governs our future selves.  It’s not to be cast off, but rather something to heed, as it provides a rare peek at our unmasked emotion.  It’s the truest reflection of the stranger we keep inside.

“Sometimes the only thing that’s different is our perception of what ”is”.  And sometimes the only way to see that is to listen...”

White Pumpkin Recipe 3: Warm white pumpkin salad with barley, kale, cilantro, pepitas, and lime.

Guilt doesn’t have to imply flawed. It can be embraced for growth even when it doesn’t fit well with the mainstream social construct.  We can’t be afraid to feel guilt’s weights.  We’ve been carrying it around long enough for it to become us. It's in our fiber.  And to quote the song from this previous post: "it's in my honey, it's in my milk".  Why not give it pause and listen to what it’s saying.  There is more to it than just the burden of weight.  It has a message and needs some breathing room to develop it's voice. 

Just breathe… 

Things might begin to look different, even sound different, even when circumstance remains the same.

Tips For Creating A Caregiver Schedule

Here's the pattern. I wake-up optimistic and end the day collapsed in defeat.  I wake-up every morning like your neighbor's annoying dog, brimming with pep and vim, only to feel that enthusiasm fade into disappointment.  I know, I know... It's annoying to be a morning person but I love the idea of a fresh start and relish the chance to begin again.  Who doesn't love a do-over? 

Mornings are my romance. They embrace that do-over love story but unfortunately, somewhere around noon I start picking fights with the day.  I develop a restlessness and it starts encroaching on my mood, echoing reminders that today is just like yesterday and it will likely end in rout.  True to form, it often does.   Luckily, I've never been good at grudges so come morning, that bad attitude is nothing but a bad dream, until noon, and then here we go again...  It's cyclical. I know this, and yet it's been impossible to break.

We all have habits we're not proud of but habits themselves are telling of something more deeply seeded in our character.  They are these little comfort zones that will never change without effort.  Well, good news! For the past month I can honestly say I have been putting in the effort and I feel a shift.  The failures are still abundant but the cycle has been disrupted.  There is a freshness that's emerging for the first time in years. 

Caregiving (and I imagine parenting) is so all consuming that its immersive nature leaves little room for planning and perspective.  Yet, in order to maintain your own sense of identity, it's absolutely necessary to find an approach that works for you.  There are too many "experts" ready to thrust their opinions and suggestions your way but for advice to feel useful it has to resonate to stick.  Our situations are often much too personal for peripheral advice to feel helpful.  If anything, it complicates things.  It's one more voice in your head suggesting shoulds and shouldn'ts.  It ends up as more noise and ultimately little gets accomplished.

Boom!  Next thing you know it's two years later and your facing those same demons.  That was me until about a month or so ago when I came-up with a plan.  Not just any plan.  My own freakin' plan!  My own, nonsensical sense-making plan to provide a strategy for getting my head above water and my feet out of the mud cause I can't take one more day of slogging through the fact that this role... this unforgiving caregiving job, is what's become of my life!  

So here is what I did.  I spent several weeks prior to plan implementation, just coming up with the pieces.  I took into account the types of tasks necessary for this role as well as personal things I wanted to include but were being neglected.  I compartmentalized them all within the standard Monday- Friday work week with regard to weekends and themed each day. Instead of having one massive to-do list, I actually have seven.  I know that sounds crazy but stay with me.   It's not really seven lists but a single list that I add to and rotate through the week prioritized by theme.  These are the themes: 

Monday- Business/Administrative Tasks

This is the mail, the bills, paperwork, phone calls, etc... All the stuff that's keeping the household afloat. It's the kind of stuff made of modern nightmares. Taking care of business on behalf of another person is an administrative circus. It's time consuming and it's important and it's the last thing I ever want to be doing so I put it right up front so I can get it out of the way and put the dread to bed for the week. I also deal with my own such affairs on this day too. I think of it as a household business day but only for that day. This kind of stuff will bleed over if you let it so don't! Just do it on Mondays and move on.

Tuesday- Education/Research/Learning Tasks

On Tuesday's we go to the library and I check-out books and movies for my dad. These are critical to the success of the other days of the week as they act as excellent pacifiers when I'm preoccupied with other things. Additionally, I designate research type stuff on this day. Things like finding additional senior resources or Youtubing how to fix the dryer, or scowering Pintrest for a new recipe... Those tasks I prioritize on this day because they require some investigating at their essence they're educational. I also make a point of reading the paper on Tuesdays as a way to better understand what is happening in the outside world. Clueing into to what's going on "out there" helps with decision making on the home front. Everything from health care, to the real estate market, to the new fiduciary rules, and the pending tax reform all provide intel on how the "system" works. This is important because the system cannot support the needs that exist in elderly care and it's falling on the shoulders of caregivers and crippling them in the process. As a caregiver, I need to know what's coming. I'm already at the point of adrenal fatigue so the last thing I need is another surprise. It's also increasingly important to understand the severity of this problem to assess your personal strengths and weaknesses. There are many layers to this stuff and I feel you really need to know yourself so you know when to ask for help.

• My tip here is to play to your strengths and pay for your weaknesses.

Wednesday- Core Activities

It's the center of week so why shouldn't it represent the center of my life? It's all the things I love doing but sacrifice for the sake of excuses. So now, on Wednesdays, all the things I've wanted to do but never seem to prioritize have an official spot in the calendar, smack dab in the middle of everything, right where they belong. For me this consists of spoon carving, bread making, knife sharpening, and other crafty endeavors that reflect my passions and enable me to retain my sense of identity. Caregiving is all consuming and if you don't drive a wedge into it for the sake of the things you love, you will lose yourself. The caregiving world is a vacuum and you must protect what's important.

Thursday- Community/Outreach

Every Thursday I help my dad make a phone call to someone he knows. He can hardly speak in full sentences but he lights up at the sound of a familiar voice which is enough to tell me this activity is a must. We also try and get out of the house. We run small errands. We go to the bank or the hardware store or if the suns not blazing hot, we might stop by a park. This is a chance for us to be out and engaging in the public sphere. It's a day of outside stimulus. It's typically no longer than an hour or two but upon returning he's often tired and takes a nap. I then set about working on other such "community" matters like initiating emails, writing thank you letters, networking/marketing type stuff... It's really nothing too spectacular. I think what gives it meaning is that it's proactive outreach rather than just responding to things. It's also a pretty decent mix of my dad's world and mine and it's actually kinda fun to think about community in this intentional way.

Friday- Clean-out/Downsize

The time will come where I'll one day have to sell our house and the surplus of belongings will have to be dealt with. I can say I have truly turned this place around but still, there is a ton stuff. I've moved enough times prior to living here to know packing-up means you typically can't take everything. So, on Fridays, I try to focus on collecting things to donate, list on Ebay or Offer-up, or just straight-up purge depending. This in truth is time consuming. Taking photos and creating ads for stuff begs to wonder what your time is really worth and I think this question can only be answered by those in the trenches. For me personally, this is a solo mission. If I think too much on what I'm physically doing, I become angry and frustrated that I've succumbed to hawking goods that aren't even my mine! It feels like a burden. But, a little bit one day a week feels manageable and with time, you'll notice improvements.

Saturday- FREE DAY

There is no theme for this day. You can use it however you want. If you didn't manage to tackle something from your list earlier in the week, you can do it on this day, or you can make plans with a friend, or whatever you feel like doing. I don't hold myself to anything on this day. I leave it to desire...

Sunday- Prep Day!

This is for whatever needs to happen to prepare for the coming week. It typically includes getting groceries, cleaning common areas, doing laundry, reviewing the above schedule, and making a big family meal that will provide a day or two of leftovers. It's mostly chores but the kind of stuff that feels like we are off to a strong start. And it's important to feel that! Caregiving often feels defeating so having alignment with positive momentum is important.

Then repeat...

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

— Maria Robinson

As for implementing this schedule I list things forward.  What I mean is that as new tasks pop into mind, I list them on the most applicable day for the following week.  For example, if I need to pick-up a new prescription for my dad or have the tires rotated on the car, I schedule those things on the next available Thursday because in my mind, those tasks reflect community  engagements.  If I want to try a new recipe or sew some flour sacks, I note it as a Wednesday task where I leave room for the pursuit of craft.  

This themed schedule approach is not a 100% cure-all but it has been a significant game changer for feeling more control when managing responsibilities.  It has worked so well I've even adopted a similar approach for exercise and self-care which I can tell you about some other time if anyone is interested but for now this will have to do.  And I hope it's a concept that might work for others feeling overwhelmed.  The good news is that it's flexible.  You can theme the days in a way that works for you and construct a better sense of fluidity when it comes to "how" you are going to get all the things done.

Good luck and let me know how it goes if you try something like this.  Also, please, please, please let me know of any methods or tips that have helped you structure your caregiving time.  The "how" of it all still feels impossible on some days so any suggestions are much appreciated!

Grieving The Loss Of A Partner

For those of you that have lost a partner... 

Not just any partner.  The partner.  The one that you can't let go of and in many ways you never will.  Cause why would you?  One is one and one only.  Don't let go.  Move along but never let go.  Such tragedies represent life's finest achievements. You won at love...

Hold tight!

Cinnamon Rolls

These cinnamon rolls don't exactly represent my dietary belief in "how to feed a senior" but you know... Life is for living!  Items like these gooey cinnamon rolls feed happiness and I think that's just as important as nutrition when it comes to living a good life.  We need to indulge more in simple pleasures.  That's been a real thing for me lately.  Simple pleasures...  I keep an eye out, trying to take note of when I happen upon one and I'm often surprised at their ubiquity.  Sometimes observing one turns into a slew many and I feel a wave of gratitude for this "time" and that doesn't quite fit the stereotype of the caregiver demise.

Caregiving can feel much like purgatory but I'm often taken aback at the moments I catch myself quite content with my baking, gardening, and crafting. I'm frequently bitter at all the moments this experience has stolen from me but its been long enough now that I've come to accept the terms.  There's no going back to the days of what was.  There's only forward. And in this march, I've grown deeper into my hobbies.  This journey is cultivating skills that only come with time and for that I am grateful.

Ingredients

For the rolls:

• 3 cups flour + more for kneeding
• 1 tbsp sugar
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 2 tsp active dry yeast
• 1 1/2 cups warm water

The filling:

• 1/2 stick of melted butter
• 3/4 cup of brown sugar
• 1 tbsp of cinnamon (or even more to taste preference)

The frosting:

• 1/2 cup of softened cream cheese
• 2 tbsp softened butter
• 1/8 cup of powdered sugar (or more or less per taste)
• 1 tsp of vanilla extract

Directions

1. Combine all the ingredients for the rolls into a large bowl and mix to combine. Add a dusting of extra flour as necessary to absorb moisture and work into a manageble dough ball.
2. Turn dough ball out onto a floured surface and kneed for about 10 minutes adding flour as necessary to keep the dough from sticking.
3. After the dough is well combined and you are done kneeding, lightly oil a large bowl and place the dough in it and give it a swirl so the dough has been lightly oiled. This will keep it from sticking to the bowl later.
4. Cover the bowl and let rise for about 1 hour or until it's doubled in size.
5. While the dough rises prep the frosting.
6. Place all the frosting ingredients in a bowl and combine with a mixer till all ingredients are well incorporated (be careful not to over mix).
7. In another small bowl combine the brown sugar and cinnamon for the filling and set aside.
8. When the dough has doubled in size, dump it out onto a floured surface.
9. Roll it out into a rectangular shape roughly 1/2 inch thick.
10. Drizzle the melted butter on top and brush it to cover the top leaving an inch on all sides.
11. Sprinkle the brown sugar/cinnamon mixture evenly over the buttered area.
12. Starting with a long side, roll the dough up into a long dough snake (Dough snake? Is that a thing?).
13. Cut the dough into 2 inch pieces, discarding the two end pieces that lack the filling.
14. Place the rolls cut-sides up into a buttered pan, nestling them next to eachother but leaving room for them to rise more.
15. Cover and let rest for about 30 minutes
16. Meanwhile begin preheating the oven to 375 F degree.
17. After 30 minutes and the rolls have swollen in size, place in the oven and bake for 30-35ish minutes until the tops turn golden brown and the inside tempurature reaches 160 degrees F.
18. After baking scoop spoonfuls of the frosting on top while the rolls are hot.
19. Wait a few minutes and let the frosting melt a little then spread it around the tops in sheer decadence.
20. Next, give most of these away so you don't die from a binge eating bender... ;)

Dark House

I can only speak for myself when I say that the desire to produce anything personal, at this point stems from the utter frustration of maintaining a life that prioritizes other people's priorities.  Nothing feels like it's for myself. I spend my days picking-up the crumbs of a life in regression and hope it amounts to something meaningful.  I'm not sure that even makes sense but you know what? NOTHING MAKES SENSE!

Can you feel my rage?!  I am angry!!!  I am angry that every single day I spend an absorbent amount of time cleaning-up after my dad, understanding his insurance, watching his "shows", paying his bills, and running his errands.  These things are not for me!  Just like your office job is likely not for you.  But the grudge here is that you get to go home after your crappy day to a house that you keep for you, upholding your lifestyle, consuming your preference in media, enjoying your version of downtime...  Well, there is no down time here.  Not in the way that bodes well for sanity.  The stress fractures are everywhere and the cracks are slowly giving way...