Long story short, I need therapy. And I need it in any form I can get it. It could be clinical but right now I would welcome any and all forms. Massage, retail, physical, medicinal, smudge stick? They all could work. Since my mom's abrupt passing, my life has been spinning so fast that I can't seem to tell up from down or right from wrong. It's all a jumble of voices telling me all the things I should do. There is no shortage of advice for the grieving but you know what the grieving should do? Freaking grieve! Ugh, hilarious!!! I laugh at my own suggestion because a month consumed in the end-of-life aftermath would prove that only a naive person would think our culture allows room for mourning. No. There is no room for that so I warn you not to get your hopes up. Any space you create for yourself in loss is merely a distraction from our cultural demands of filing paperwork, paying lawyers, fighting probate and navigating the system.

“Job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork.”

I used to think the system was flawed and we were a family falling through the cracks but that's not the case. The system is not flawed. It's fixed and I realize now that I wasn't a pawn being puppeteered by the masters but rather, I was (and remain) a cog, diligently filing the paperwork and stroking the flame of "progress". At a later date I might go into more detail about these things but in effort to stay on topic I'll quickly say this; job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork. If you are curious to understand what I mean watch this Ted Talk. Our situations are different but exactly the same and at this point I struggle with defeat.

See what I mean? There is a darkness here and I live with it daily. It's not grief. I wish I had room for grief but I am so consumed with a bitter disgust for the way the world works that I feel I need a complete cleanse of the mind, body, and spirit. My thoughts are bitter, I feel like crap, and my spirit... Like I said... Defeat. To crush the souls of the living I am sure steals magic from the world. One by one, I can feel the world becoming a dangerous place as those like me take there position alongside the army of the raged. It's an army of those who feel burned and irrationally waiting to strike, given the opportunity. It's not a good place.

So, what's the fix? I'm going to try swimming. For the month of September I am going to practice with the city's master's swim club which is an adult swim program that holds practices daily with a coach. I am hoping I can swim the rage right out of myself and get back to a more forgiving person I am comfortable being. I am only saying this here for accountability because these days it's hard to hold myself to anything other than pajamas.

I'm also putting faith into all the other magic the world is gonna throw my way. The awesome folks at the Jewelry Studio of Wellfleet sent me an amethyst necklace, symbolic of healing and comfort for the grieving. What they probably didn't realize was amethyst was my mom's birthstone and purple was her favorite color. Right now it's so much more than a necklace. It's a shroud to treat the wounds of a broken heart.

My mom and I, we were just getting started. Her hands were harbingers with talent and creativity that was unmatched, even against Alzheimer's. For the first time in a long while I felt traction for "promise". I was embracing the role of caregiver. Re-branding it even... I started to feel the potential and together, I imagined us making great things. I was just finishing up the foundation when she was stolen from us, a loss that feels like insult to injury. It's been a raw deal these last few years... I'm bitter and things are dark but what would you expect after being repeatedly shown that wounds don't heal, they only grow deeper.

Depression is ok to visit but not a good place to live. Thus begins the journey of moving on. Last night was a new moon which is said to usher in new energy. I'm ready. I look forward to clarity and hopefully the calm it could bring. I am anxious for some stillness and a twinkle of light...

TLDR: Plan your days by the light of the moon as the sun will never wait for you to catch your breath.

UPDATE 9/21/16: I've been cross posting the details of this journey on Instagram @ashleylook1 under #selfcarerepair.