What To Expect From Social Distancing

Day 11 in isolation:

Let me tell you folks, as someone that spent relatively five years in isolation, You. Can. Do. This!

Most of you that follow me here already know the story. My parents got sick and I had to abruptly leave my job, my apartment ,my partner, my new car, my everything, to care for not one but two parents with ALZ and dementia. Blah, blah, blah... It was the f’ing worst! It was my whole world and it crashed around me in an instant. Oh, and spoiler alert, everyone died. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and in the wake of this crisis, you need to know you can do this, and it’s gonna f’ing SUCK!

I’m thinking about reviving this site to share more about the isolation experience as I see so many suffering with the dynamics of all this change. And I wish I could say being away from all your friends and family will be easy, but I can’t. It’s not. It’s the worst f’ing thing I’ve ever experienced and I did it for five F’ING years!!!!

But! And there is a really big BUT here... Isolation teaches you things about yourself that the world itself cannot and I encourage everyone to just take a deep breath and think about your fear. Is it loss of income? Is it loneliness? Is it the loss of your stability or worse… death?

Tell me what it is and maybe I can share what I gained when I faced those things alone. Maybe it will help calm you if you’re feeling scared. I was scared for a good long while and I still am... but perhaps not to the same degree. I’m not the same person I was when this journey first started. The years changed me but I’m better for it and I’m happy to share more of that experience if you think it might be helpful.

Tip #1: Get a hobby!
Stay healthy and stay home! Love to you all!

{Originally posted on Instagram on March 23, 2020.}

Recipe For Self-Care

Long story short, I need therapy.  And I need it in any form I can get it.  It could be clinical but right now I would welcome any and all forms. Massage, retail, physical, medicinal, smudge stick? They all could work.  Since my mom's abrupt passing, my life has been spinning so fast that I can't seem to tell up from down or right from wrong.  It's all a jumble of voices telling me all the things I should do.  There is no shortage of advice for the grieving but you know what the grieving should do?  Freaking grieve! Ugh, hilarious!!!  I laugh at my own suggestion because a month consumed in the end-of-life aftermath would prove that only a naive person would think our culture allows room for mourning.  No.  There is no room for that so I warn you not to get your hopes up.  Any space you create for yourself in loss is merely a distraction from our cultural demands of filing paperwork, paying lawyers, fighting probate and navigating the system.

“Job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork.”

I used to think the system was flawed and we were a family falling through the cracks but that's not the case.   The system is not flawed.  It's fixed and I realize now that I wasn't a pawn being puppeteered by the masters but rather, I was (and remain) a cog, diligently filing the paperwork and stroking the flame of "progress".  At a later date I might go into more detail about these things but in effort to stay on topic I'll quickly say this; job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork. If you are curious to understand what I mean watch this Ted Talk.  Our situations are different but exactly the same and at this point I struggle with defeat.

See what I mean?  There is a darkness here and I live with it daily.  It's not grief. I wish I had room for grief but I am so consumed with a bitter disgust for the way the world works that I feel I need a complete cleanse of the mind, body, and spirit.  My thoughts are bitter, I feel like crap, and my spirit...  Like I said... Defeat.  To crush the souls of the living I am sure steals magic from the world.  One by one, I can feel the world becoming a dangerous place as those like me take there position alongside the army of the raged.  It's an army of those who feel burned and irrationally waiting to strike, given the opportunity. It's not a good place.  

Therapy.

So, what's the fix? I'm going to try swimming.  For the month of September I am going to practice with the city's master's swim club which is an adult swim program that holds practices daily with a coach. I am hoping I can swim the rage right out of myself and get back to a more forgiving person I am comfortable being.  I am only saying this here for accountability because these days it's hard to hold myself to anything other than pajamas. 

Magic.

I'm also putting faith into all the other magic the world is gonna throw my way. The awesome folks at the Jewelry Studio of Wellfleet sent me an amethyst necklace, symbolic of healing and comfort for the grieving.  What they probably didn't realize was amethyst was my mom's birthstone and purple was her favorite color.  Right now it's so much more than a necklace.  It's a shroud to treat the wounds of a broken heart.  

Magician's hands.

My mom and I, we were just getting started.  Her hands were harbingers with talent and creativity that was unmatched, even against Alzheimer's. For the first time in a long while I felt traction for "promise".  I was embracing the role of caregiver. Re-branding it even... I started to feel the potential and together, I imagined us making great things.  I was just finishing up the foundation when she was stolen from us, a loss that feels like insult to injury.  It's been a raw deal these last few years...  I'm bitter and things are dark but what would you expect after being repeatedly shown that wounds don't heal, they only grow deeper.

Depression is ok to visit but not a good place to live. Thus begins the journey of moving on.  Last night was a new moon which is said to usher in new energy. I'm ready.  I look forward to clarity and hopefully the calm it could bring. I am anxious for some stillness and a twinkle of light...

TLDR: Plan your days by the light of the moon as the sun will never wait for you to catch your breath.

UPDATE 9/21/16: I've been cross posting the details of this journey on Instagram @ashleylook1 under #selfcarerepair.

Creamy Chicken & Mushroom Soup Recipe

Yes, it's officially summer and soup might not be your go-to meal but most the seniors I know have poor circulation and are frequently cold.  It's also being suggested according to this article that the thermoregulation of body temperature might be a therapeutic treatment for Alzheimer's disease.  Say-what?! This takes comfort food to a whole new level, and what's more comforting than a bowl of soup?  It's also loaded with nutrients and soft on the teeth which is an every growing concern that I am realizing plagues the senior demographic right up there with high blood pressure and dramas with Medicaid.  Some things I cannot fix but I can fix soup. So... Creamy chicken and mushroom for all my favorite seniors this week!

The ultimate care package.

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp butter
• 2 large chicken breasts
• 4 carrots, diced
• 3 celery stalks, diced
• 1 white onion, diced
• 1 1/2cups Cremini mushrooms, sliced
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 tsp dried thyme
• 1/4 cup flour
• 4 cups chicken stock
• 1/2 cup half and half
• 2 bay leaves
• 1/8 cup chopped parsley (and a little more for a fresh garnish)
• 1 sprig rosemary

Directions

1. Place the chicken breast in a pot and cover with water. Slowly heat on medium till they are cooked through.
2. While the chicken is cooking prep the carrots, celery, onion, mushrooms and garlic.
3. In a heavy pot melt the butter. Add the diced carrots, onion, and celery and stir to coat them evenly in the butter.
4. Sautee for several minutes until the vegetables soften and then add the mushrooms, garlic, and thyme.
5. Cook for several more minutes until the mushrooms begin to release their juices, then add the flour.
6. Stir constantly incorporating the flour and loosening any bits starting to stick to the bottom.
7. Slowly add in the chicken stock and mix well. This will deglaze the bottom of the pan and help add flavor.
8. Add the bay leaves and allow the soup to heat into a low simmer.
9. While the soup is heating, carefully remove the chicken breat and place in a large bowl or cutting board. With two forks carfully pull apart the chicken until shredded into small pieces.
10. Carefully add the shredded chicken and the parsley to the soup pot and continue cooking until the carrots are soft.
11. Once cooked through, remove from heat and stir in the half and half and add the rosemary sprig.
12. Return to the heat and warm the soup through but avoid boiling.
13. Once warm, you can serve it immediatly remembering to remove the bay leaves and avoiding the infusing rosemary sprig (which can be discarded before storing any leftovers).
14. Enjoy, hopefully with a friend!