Today I want to introduce you to June Duncan, the author of the upcoming book The Complete Guide to Caregiving. It's due for release in 2018 and offers support for friends and family members who have taken on the responsibility of caring for their loved ones. She is also the co-creator of Rise Up for Caregivers as well as the primary caregiver to her 85 year old mother. Yes, it's all things caregiver and caregiving! She is here today with a peak into the world of self-care with some handy tip to any new caregivers just touching down in the trenches. Take a moment to read her words and suggestions and please comment with any thoughts or feedback. We all recognize the need for more "village" support and therefore we would love to hear from you on tactics that you feel do and don't work. Thanks in advance for your participation and thank you June for embarking on the task of creating this much needed resource!

Cue June:

Image courtesy of Pixabay — *Image courtesy of* *Pixabay*

Taking care of the needs of a senior loved one is stressful, and many of us learn the hard way that life needs to be balanced to be healthy and happy. The good news is that a lot of other people are in the same boat, so if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re not alone. It’s vital that you don’t neglect your own health, or you won’t be able to perform well as a caregiver. You can reach the breaking point if you aren’t careful.

You’re not alone

Americans are living longer, and as a result, more of us are providing supportive care to elderly family and friends than ever before. Mayo Clinic notes that 80 percent of long-term caregiving is performed by informal caregivers. If you are providing care to an elderly loved one, you are at risk for caregiver stress. No matter how much you love someone, tending to their needs and watching them decline is a heavy burden. Many times, the caregiver’s own health suffers, reducing the ability to function in many ways. Watch for these signs that you could be overdoing it:

● Moodiness, irritability or angering easily

● Significant changes in weight

● Changes in sleep habits

● Feeling exhausted

● Feeling overwhelmed or anxious

● Feeling sad or depressed

● Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy

● Frequent headaches, pain or illness

● Substance abuse; drinking too much or abusing drugs, including prescriptions

Self-care

It’s critical to learn to take care of your own needs and embrace self-care. Caregiving is demanding. Without a self-care plan, your mental and physical health can decline. Make your burden lighter and recognize you are doing it for both yourself and your loved one.

● Reach out. Don’t try to do everything yourself. Ask family members and friends to give you a break. Think of some options and let your helper pick something to tackle, like taking your senior on an errand or for a walk, or preparing a meal once a week.

● Stay connected. Engage in a support group. Set aside time to spend with friends, and don’t become isolated.

● Be realistic. Make lists and prioritize. Do what you can when you can.

● Take care of your health. See your personal physician, and don’t put off your routine exams. Get enough sleep, eat right and exercise.

Finding time

You’re probably thinking to yourself that you are already maxed out; how can you squeeze in time for doctor visits, much less exercising? The AARP offers some great advice on organizing your schedule and realizing these goals.

● Schedule it. Make arrangements for respite, whether from an agency or family members.

● Organize and communicate. Review schedules and commitments ahead of time with those sharing the caregiving burden. Make sure there are no gaps in coverage, and that things like appointments are coordinated.

● Divide duties. List responsibilities and delegate who will do what. Make sure everyone understands who handles insurance issues, who orders prescriptions, and so on. This eliminates concerns of schedule gaps and of duplicating efforts.

Physical well-being

Exercising is vital to your self-care routine. According to the professionals at the Mental Health Foundation, we need to keep moving. Activity is good for your bones, muscles and flexibility, and will also improve your mental health and well-being. You can be active through household chores, running errands or organized exercise. It doesn’t take long. According to the American Psychological Association, “Usually within five minutes after moderate exercise you get a mood-enhancement effect.”

A home gym

A small home gym is a practical addition to a caregiver’s lifestyle. It’s inexpensive, you only need a little elbow room, and you can squeeze in a workout when it’s convenient. A handful of well-chosen pieces of equipment, like a yoga mat, dumbbells and resistance bands, will put you well on your way to fitness with minimal space, time and money.

Meet your own needs

Without tending to your own needs, your mental and physical health will suffer, and you can’t be as effective in your role. Develop a self-care plan, get organized, manage your time well and make exercise convenient. By taking these steps, your life will be more balanced, healthier, and you’ll be a better caregiver.

Author: June Duncan

Ok, now its your turn! Do you feel your own health suffering? Do you have a self-care regimen? Are you meeting your own needs or can you express the obstacles that stand in your way? Many of these things are easier said than done so it's important we share tips and strategies for tangible ideas that work. The caregiver community is growing exponentially yet public resources remain scarce. Truly addressing challenges will only come from the voices living them so lets hear it! I'll go first. The best thing I have done for myself within the world of caregiving/self-care was to create a schedule. It sounds silly in that the idea of creating a schedule is obvious however, personal circumstances warrant personal tailoring for something to stick and sticking is the hard part! You can read about it here if you are curious but now it's your turn. Do tell!

Here's the pattern. I wake-up optimistic and end the day collapsed in defeat. I wake-up every morning like your neighbor's annoying dog, brimming with pep and vim, only to feel that enthusiasm fade into disappointment. I know, I know... It's annoying to be a morning person but I love the idea of a fresh start and relish the chance to begin again. Who doesn't love a do-over?

Mornings are my romance. They embrace that do-over love story but unfortunately, somewhere around noon I start picking fights with the day. I develop a restlessness and it starts encroaching on my mood, echoing reminders that today is just like yesterday and it will likely end in rout. True to form, it often does. Luckily, I've never been good at grudges so come morning, that bad attitude is nothing but a bad dream, until noon, and then here we go again... It's cyclical. I know this, and yet it's been impossible to break.

We all have habits we're not proud of but habits themselves are telling of something more deeply seeded in our character. They are these little comfort zones that will never change without effort. Well, good news! For the past month I can honestly say I have been putting in the effort and I feel a shift. The failures are still abundant but the cycle has been disrupted. There is a freshness that's emerging for the first time in years.

Caregiving (and I imagine parenting) is so all consuming that its immersive nature leaves little room for planning and perspective. Yet, in order to maintain your own sense of identity, it's absolutely necessary to find an approach that works for you. There are too many "experts" ready to thrust their opinions and suggestions your way but for advice to feel useful it has to resonate to stick. Our situations are often much too personal for peripheral advice to feel helpful. If anything, it complicates things. It's one more voice in your head suggesting shoulds and shouldn'ts. It ends up as more noise and ultimately little gets accomplished.

Boom! Next thing you know it's two years later and your facing those same demons. That was me until about a month or so ago when I came-up with a plan. Not just any plan. My own freakin' plan! My own, nonsensical sense-making plan to provide a strategy for getting my head above water and my feet out of the mud cause I can't take one more day of slogging through the fact that this role... this unforgiving caregiving job, is what's become of my life!

So here is what I did. I spent several weeks prior to plan implementation, just coming up with the pieces. I took into account the types of tasks necessary for this role as well as personal things I wanted to include but were being neglected. I compartmentalized them all within the standard Monday- Friday work week with regard to weekends and themed each day. Instead of having one massive to-do list, I actually have seven. I know that sounds crazy but stay with me. It's not really seven lists but a single list that I add to and rotate through the week prioritized by theme. These are the themes:

Monday- Business/Administrative Tasks

This is the mail, the bills, paperwork, phone calls, etc... All the stuff that's keeping the household afloat. It's the kind of stuff made of modern nightmares. Taking care of business on behalf of another person is an administrative circus. It's time consuming and it's important and it's the last thing I ever want to be doing so I put it right up front so I can get it out of the way and put the dread to bed for the week. I also deal with my own such affairs on this day too. I think of it as a household business day but only for that day. This kind of stuff will bleed over if you let it so don't! Just do it on Mondays and move on.

Tuesday- Education/Research/Learning Tasks

On Tuesday's we go to the library and I check-out books and movies for my dad. These are critical to the success of the other days of the week as they act as excellent pacifiers when I'm preoccupied with other things. Additionally, I designate research type stuff on this day. Things like finding additional senior resources or Youtubing how to fix the dryer, or scowering Pintrest for a new recipe... Those tasks I prioritize on this day because they require some investigating at their essence they're educational. I also make a point of reading the paper on Tuesdays as a way to better understand what is happening in the outside world. Clueing into to what's going on "out there" helps with decision making on the home front. Everything from health care, to the real estate market, to the new fiduciary rules, and the pending tax reform all provide intel on how the "system" works. This is important because the system cannot support the needs that exist in elderly care and it's falling on the shoulders of caregivers and crippling them in the process. As a caregiver, I need to know what's coming. I'm already at the point of adrenal fatigue so the last thing I need is another surprise. It's also increasingly important to understand the severity of this problem to assess your personal strengths and weaknesses. There are many layers to this stuff and I feel you really need to know yourself so you know when to ask for help.

My tip here is to play to your strengths and pay for your weaknesses.

Wednesday- Core Activities

It's the center of week so why shouldn't it represent the center of my life? It's all the things I love doing but sacrifice for the sake of excuses. So now, on Wednesdays, all the things I've wanted to do but never seem to prioritize have an official spot in the calendar, smack dab in the middle of everything, right where they belong. For me this consists of spoon carving, bread making, knife sharpening, and other crafty endeavors that reflect my passions and enable me to retain my sense of identity. Caregiving is all consuming and if you don't drive a wedge into it for the sake of the things you love, you will lose yourself. The caregiving world is a vacuum and you must protect what's important.

Thursday- Community/Outreach

Every Thursday I help my dad make a phone call to someone he knows. He can hardly speak in full sentences but he lights up at the sound of a familiar voice which is enough to tell me this activity is a must. We also try and get out of the house. We run small errands. We go to the bank or the hardware store or if the suns not blazing hot, we might stop by a park. This is a chance for us to be out and engaging in the public sphere. It's a day of outside stimulus. It's typically no longer than an hour or two but upon returning he's often tired and takes a nap. I then set about working on other such "community" matters like initiating emails, writing thank you letters, networking/marketing type stuff... It's really nothing too spectacular. I think what gives it meaning is that it's proactive outreach rather than just responding to things. It's also a pretty decent mix of my dad's world and mine and it's actually kinda fun to think about community in this intentional way.

Friday- Clean-out/Downsize

The time will come where I'll one day have to sell our house and the surplus of belongings will have to be dealt with. I can say I have truly turned this place around but still, there is a ton stuff. I've moved enough times prior to living here to know packing-up means you typically can't take everything. So, on Fridays, I try to focus on collecting things to donate, list on Ebay or Offer-up, or just straight-up purge depending. This in truth is time consuming. Taking photos and creating ads for stuff begs to wonder what your time is really worth and I think this question can only be answered by those in the trenches. For me personally, this is a solo mission. If I think too much on what I'm physically doing, I become angry and frustrated that I've succumbed to hawking goods that aren't even my mine! It feels like a burden. But, a little bit one day a week feels manageable and with time, you'll notice improvements.

Saturday- FREE DAY

There is no theme for this day. You can use it however you want. If you didn't manage to tackle something from your list earlier in the week, you can do it on this day, or you can make plans with a friend, or whatever you feel like doing. I don't hold myself to anything on this day. I leave it to desire...

Sunday- Prep Day!

This is for whatever needs to happen to prepare for the coming week. It typically includes getting groceries, cleaning common areas, doing laundry, reviewing the above schedule, and making a big family meal that will provide a day or two of leftovers. It's mostly chores but the kind of stuff that feels like we are off to a strong start. And it's important to feel that! Caregiving often feels defeating so having alignment with positive momentum is important.

Then repeat...

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

— Maria Robinson

As for implementing this schedule I list things forward. What I mean is that as new tasks pop into mind, I list them on the most applicable day for the following week. For example, if I need to pick-up a new prescription for my dad or have the tires rotated on the car, I schedule those things on the next available Thursday because in my mind, those tasks reflect community engagements. If I want to try a new recipe or sew some flour sacks, I note it as a Wednesday task where I leave room for the pursuit of craft.

This themed schedule approach is not a 100% cure-all but it has been a significant game changer for feeling more control when managing responsibilities. It has worked so well I've even adopted a similar approach for exercise and self-care which I can tell you about some other time if anyone is interested but for now this will have to do. And I hope it's a concept that might work for others feeling overwhelmed. The good news is that it's flexible. You can theme the days in a way that works for you and construct a better sense of fluidity when it comes to "how" you are going to get all the things done.

Good luck and let me know how it goes if you try something like this. Also, please, please, please let me know of any methods or tips that have helped you structure your caregiving time. The "how" of it all still feels impossible on some days so any suggestions are much appreciated!

Self-Care In The Chaos Of Caregiving