By Ashley Look
The New Year marks a convenient time to make a fresh start but why do we always wait for New Year’s Eve to motivate to create change in our lives? Opportunities for new beginning are everywhere, and here are a three suggestions to get you started.
Read MoreI’m pretty focused on fresh starts right now and with a new moon upon us and spring around the corner, I’m starting to shift gears. Unfortunately, change doesn’t always arrive lockstep. It feels as though I’ve swapped one holding pattern for another, and waiting and time remain the constant backstory. After four years of sitting idle caregiving for my parents, they have both now passed and yet I remain. Even the dog is no longer company and so the question of home feels foreign as I remain in their house but lack everything else.
There’s an emptiness here that I hope holds space for a new beginning. However, cold starts are a struggle and the days are slowly slipping into months. It’s hard to grasp the slowness though. Whereas before the nothingness dragged, I am now consumed by the clock ticking and yet, I have nowhere to be. No job, no curfew, no obligations to be accountable to… Just me and again, this strange relationship with time.
The Pleiades Slotted Wooden Spoon is available in the shop. Click here.
If you read my father’s obituary then you know Space was a big deal for this household. Like, as in “lunar landing/ satellite telemetry ” big deal. Growing-up with a human calculator was no easy task for a girl afraid of math. But somewhere along the way I gathered the significance of measurement relative to his passion for Space. I remember him giving me a gyroscope once as a gift and forever trying to get it to spin upon a string. Only now, as an adult, am I making sense of it. In watching this gyroscope video and seeing one in action do I realize how planetary this gift was and his own interest in celestial movement.
Time often accounts for change and those changes parlay seasons. And now, amid all the change that lays so heavy in my air, I am reminded that the seasons of life can account for nothingness and without much attention, life just passes by. So, if you have ever come to this page and wondered about the Full Moon Baking Club or my obsession with time it’s probably worth noting that the space-time continuum is some complicated mathematical model that I’ll never truly understand but thanks to the gyroscope, I can trust that this time will pass. Nature is cyclical… Seasons are cyclical… And if there is ever a clock worth trusting, it’s not the one that tells the time; it’s one that tells where we are in the cycle.
It’s understandable that the seasons of life can be difficult and if you are anything like me, you might find yourself far from one that brings a good harvest. The growing ain’t good right now cause I have nothing much to sow. I’m just now sorting seeds. It’s not realistic to assume life will magically fall into place. But time itself is a kind of magic and so a little intentional seed planting now will surely grow into something later. What better time keeper than the moon? (I think my dad would agree.) And what better way to track change than pursue a craft? Time lends itself to the artisan maker and good craftsmanship can take a lifetime. For the moment all I have is seeds. Time will tell but until then… new moon, new spoon!
Copper Cutlery Set
Change is in the air and I’m ready to feel it! I want to wear it on my skin, breath it in, and bask in the sense of something new after months of anger and frustration and feeling stuck. None of this is actually new. These feelings have been ever-present as caregiving has that way of reducing your sense of freedom while feeding you a cocktail of resentment. I frequently find myself consumed by bitterness, embroiled by feelings of sacrifice without a taste of reward. They say that caregiving is a thankless job and I see the truth there but I also feel compelled to believe there is something better. A silver lining around the corner, hiding in the shadows… It’s there. It’s just awaiting discovery. And without a reminder to counter your perceptions, it’s easy to fall victim to your own worst thoughts… There is no light.
#FakeNews… It’s not that the light is not there, it’s just so hard to see it on your own. I more than know the value of community and feelings of caregiver isolation have only strengthened those beliefs. At the same time, I’m learning that it’s no one’s job to make you happy. My father is impossible to please and my efforts to cater to his every need, as if I’m a DJ for his life, gets old quick, especially when his every response is that of criticism. I can not express how deeply this cuts through me. No movie I play for him is good enough. The CDs I put on are always the wrong ones. Every meal I make is not “normal stuff”… I can accept that he has dementia and this is the result of illness but I cannot accept the feelings that somehow, I am not enough. I personalize it because it’s my every effort. It’s not a single recipe he refuses. It’s me grabbing carrots from the fridge and his head shaking no, already in protest. An immediate refusal to wait and see… Maybe it will be good? “It”… that questionable step forward that might lead us both to a better state of existence if we could both just trust the outcome will be ok. Just a single step so we might see that so-called “light”.
I must repeatedly remind myself that my job is not to make my father happy. My job is to keep him healthy and safe. Unfortunately, that means I must forgo my own happiness as our lives are inexplicably linked. But again, #FakeNews… If it’s no one’s job to provide another with happiness, than it’s a personal mission to find it for yourself. So, in an ode to gratitude I have a few things that are light worthy! Here are some recent highs:
This copper cutlery set! It is a first addition set that has been crafted from 95% post-commercial consumer material. The copper was salvaged from a scrapped windlass motor off a boat (a tribute to my old life sailing with the Sea Education Association) and pieces of electrical cable found in a local junk pile. Reduce, reuse recycle? (Hi AmeriCorps Cape Cod! You are another reminder that time remains within us…) The parts were recycled and repurposed for this second life as functional art. They have assorted imperfections due to the nature of scrapsmithing however it’s specifically those details that provide the set with character and tell their story of longevity. Like us, we all live with scars but we can also chose to recognize them as marks of beauty. This cutlery set speaks that language. They are imperfectly perfect! Working with copper is a new venture for me that meets my heart at the intersection of food as craft and production through recycling. This is just the beginning and I am beyond excited to see where it leads.
I joined a cooking club! Being that I’m a chef, you might think it’s odd that I’m following someone else’s recipes but honestly, I’m tired of wasting mental energy on everyday things. Meals are a must but the what of each meal keeps getting in the way. Time spent determining what to make is just as consuming as shopping for ingredients, prepping a recipe, and cleaning-up afterwards. These tasks are never ending and the churn and burn of making grub, wedged between the needs of caregiving has come to feel like an inescapable rut. It’s not that I don’t want to make good food. I just don’t want the puzzle of “what” day in, day out, when the complexities of senior care continue to compound my life. So, for a change of pace I signed-up for the Sprouted Kitchen Cooking Club! I’ve been following Sara Forte, the creator of Sprouted Kitchen, for a while now and her take on food run close to my own approach wholesome. This cooking club has infused some fun back into my culinary game. I have frequently experienced “cooking block” (think writer’s block) over the course of the 3 1/2 years I’ve now been in Florida. Maybe it’s that lack of seasonal change? Who knows.. All, I can say is that this club has come as a sort-of relief. It provides both freedom and structure which is exactly what I need right now, with enough room for creativity when inspiration strikes. Perfect example? Homemade pitas to compliment the Chopped Mediterranean Salad in the gallery photo above.
Homemade pita! Looks at that puff!!!
Long story short, if you are a busy caregiver or parent or anyone in need of some simplified direction on what to make for dinner you might want to consider joining the Sprouted Kitchen Cooking Club. This is my first month of participation but I can say with honesty that the recipes are both tasty and wholesome and streamlined for convenience. Put that together and boom! That’s a gratitude bomb in my book. I find myself looking forward to the weekly release of new recipes which is a cheap thrill maybe, but thrill nonetheless! That “light” lives in looking forward and the little things are not excluded.
For two nights only!
Speaking of looking forward, I have something big to throw into the mix! I am excited to share that I have a spoon carving workshop on Cape Cod! I’m collaborating with Milisa Moses at the Plant Work Shop in Orleans, MA for two evenings of fun where we’ll be carving our own kitchen tools! Spoon time! Can you feel my excitement?
I often wonder if “making” has become a lost art. Within the world of technology, manufacturing, and mass production, I find myself yearning for the chance to settle into craft. Almost like a nostalgia for slowness, spoon carving has become my modern past-time. I dream about it happening on porches, around campfires, and in public spaces. It’s a hobby that is both fun to gather for or escape into. It nurtures both independence and togetherness. A foundation for community building...
I realize this is just my biased, dreamy perspective on what many might see as geeky kitchen hobby but in my many hours of carving spoons I can say for sure, that it’s not really about the spoons. It’s about the people! It’s about the conversations and the shared experience and the opportunity to make time to take time. It’s about the stories that are told as well as the silence that’s held. The holding of space…
So, to say that I am excited for this workshop is an understatement! I am over the moon at the thought of returning to my old community to share something I love with the people I love! I cannot wait! So come. We’ll make spoons but let’s also start a conversation! Let’s be together on a solo journey for craft and learn about being us!
Hand carved apple wood spoon
If you made it this far, I am impressed! That’s the look of change over here as we roll into fall. A summary of the last few months but with a view of the future. It is with a little pause for reflection I recognize that nothing about life stands still. For all the stagnation I complain about, I have to also remind myself that feelings are just feelings. Feelings are not facts and it takes a concerted effort to recognize the difference. Change is constant and when you make time to take time, you harness the power of moments. Those moments can add up to things that are truly special and with a deep breath I see that. A sigh for light.
What’s changed in your world? I’d love to hear! There is still a quarter left for 2018 which means there is still time for time…
Here's the pattern. I wake-up optimistic and end the day collapsed in defeat. I wake-up every morning like your neighbor's annoying dog, brimming with pep and vim, only to feel that enthusiasm fade into disappointment. I know, I know... It's annoying to be a morning person but I love the idea of a fresh start and relish the chance to begin again. Who doesn't love a do-over?
Mornings are my romance. They embrace that do-over love story but unfortunately, somewhere around noon I start picking fights with the day. I develop a restlessness and it starts encroaching on my mood, echoing reminders that today is just like yesterday and it will likely end in rout. True to form, it often does. Luckily, I've never been good at grudges so come morning, that bad attitude is nothing but a bad dream, until noon, and then here we go again... It's cyclical. I know this, and yet it's been impossible to break.
We all have habits we're not proud of but habits themselves are telling of something more deeply seeded in our character. They are these little comfort zones that will never change without effort. Well, good news! For the past month I can honestly say I have been putting in the effort and I feel a shift. The failures are still abundant but the cycle has been disrupted. There is a freshness that's emerging for the first time in years.
Caregiving (and I imagine parenting) is so all consuming that its immersive nature leaves little room for planning and perspective. Yet, in order to maintain your own sense of identity, it's absolutely necessary to find an approach that works for you. There are too many "experts" ready to thrust their opinions and suggestions your way but for advice to feel useful it has to resonate to stick. Our situations are often much too personal for peripheral advice to feel helpful. If anything, it complicates things. It's one more voice in your head suggesting shoulds and shouldn'ts. It ends up as more noise and ultimately little gets accomplished.
Boom! Next thing you know it's two years later and your facing those same demons. That was me until about a month or so ago when I came-up with a plan. Not just any plan. My own freakin' plan! My own, nonsensical sense-making plan to provide a strategy for getting my head above water and my feet out of the mud cause I can't take one more day of slogging through the fact that this role... this unforgiving caregiving job, is what's become of my life!
So here is what I did. I spent several weeks prior to plan implementation, just coming up with the pieces. I took into account the types of tasks necessary for this role as well as personal things I wanted to include but were being neglected. I compartmentalized them all within the standard Monday- Friday work week with regard to weekends and themed each day. Instead of having one massive to-do list, I actually have seven. I know that sounds crazy but stay with me. It's not really seven lists but a single list that I add to and rotate through the week prioritized by theme. These are the themes:
This is the mail, the bills, paperwork, phone calls, etc... All the stuff that's keeping the household afloat. It's the kind of stuff made of modern nightmares. Taking care of business on behalf of another person is an administrative circus. It's time consuming and it's important and it's the last thing I ever want to be doing so I put it right up front so I can get it out of the way and put the dread to bed for the week. I also deal with my own such affairs on this day too. I think of it as a household business day but only for that day. This kind of stuff will bleed over if you let it so don't! Just do it on Mondays and move on.
On Tuesday's we go to the library and I check-out books and movies for my dad. These are critical to the success of the other days of the week as they act as excellent pacifiers when I'm preoccupied with other things. Additionally, I designate research type stuff on this day. Things like finding additional senior resources or Youtubing how to fix the dryer, or scowering Pintrest for a new recipe... Those tasks I prioritize on this day because they require some investigating at their essence they're educational. I also make a point of reading the paper on Tuesdays as a way to better understand what is happening in the outside world. Clueing into to what's going on "out there" helps with decision making on the home front. Everything from health care, to the real estate market, to the new fiduciary rules, and the pending tax reform all provide intel on how the "system" works. This is important because the system cannot support the needs that exist in elderly care and it's falling on the shoulders of caregivers and crippling them in the process. As a caregiver, I need to know what's coming. I'm already at the point of adrenal fatigue so the last thing I need is another surprise. It's also increasingly important to understand the severity of this problem to assess your personal strengths and weaknesses. There are many layers to this stuff and I feel you really need to know yourself so you know when to ask for help.
It's the center of week so why shouldn't it represent the center of my life? It's all the things I love doing but sacrifice for the sake of excuses. So now, on Wednesdays, all the things I've wanted to do but never seem to prioritize have an official spot in the calendar, smack dab in the middle of everything, right where they belong. For me this consists of spoon carving, bread making, knife sharpening, and other crafty endeavors that reflect my passions and enable me to retain my sense of identity. Caregiving is all consuming and if you don't drive a wedge into it for the sake of the things you love, you will lose yourself. The caregiving world is a vacuum and you must protect what's important.
Every Thursday I help my dad make a phone call to someone he knows. He can hardly speak in full sentences but he lights up at the sound of a familiar voice which is enough to tell me this activity is a must. We also try and get out of the house. We run small errands. We go to the bank or the hardware store or if the suns not blazing hot, we might stop by a park. This is a chance for us to be out and engaging in the public sphere. It's a day of outside stimulus. It's typically no longer than an hour or two but upon returning he's often tired and takes a nap. I then set about working on other such "community" matters like initiating emails, writing thank you letters, networking/marketing type stuff... It's really nothing too spectacular. I think what gives it meaning is that it's proactive outreach rather than just responding to things. It's also a pretty decent mix of my dad's world and mine and it's actually kinda fun to think about community in this intentional way.
The time will come where I'll one day have to sell our house and the surplus of belongings will have to be dealt with. I can say I have truly turned this place around but still, there is a ton stuff. I've moved enough times prior to living here to know packing-up means you typically can't take everything. So, on Fridays, I try to focus on collecting things to donate, list on Ebay or Offer-up, or just straight-up purge depending. This in truth is time consuming. Taking photos and creating ads for stuff begs to wonder what your time is really worth and I think this question can only be answered by those in the trenches. For me personally, this is a solo mission. If I think too much on what I'm physically doing, I become angry and frustrated that I've succumbed to hawking goods that aren't even my mine! It feels like a burden. But, a little bit one day a week feels manageable and with time, you'll notice improvements.
There is no theme for this day. You can use it however you want. If you didn't manage to tackle something from your list earlier in the week, you can do it on this day, or you can make plans with a friend, or whatever you feel like doing. I don't hold myself to anything on this day. I leave it to desire...
This is for whatever needs to happen to prepare for the coming week. It typically includes getting groceries, cleaning common areas, doing laundry, reviewing the above schedule, and making a big family meal that will provide a day or two of leftovers. It's mostly chores but the kind of stuff that feels like we are off to a strong start. And it's important to feel that! Caregiving often feels defeating so having alignment with positive momentum is important.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
As for implementing this schedule I list things forward. What I mean is that as new tasks pop into mind, I list them on the most applicable day for the following week. For example, if I need to pick-up a new prescription for my dad or have the tires rotated on the car, I schedule those things on the next available Thursday because in my mind, those tasks reflect community engagements. If I want to try a new recipe or sew some flour sacks, I note it as a Wednesday task where I leave room for the pursuit of craft.
This themed schedule approach is not a 100% cure-all but it has been a significant game changer for feeling more control when managing responsibilities. It has worked so well I've even adopted a similar approach for exercise and self-care which I can tell you about some other time if anyone is interested but for now this will have to do. And I hope it's a concept that might work for others feeling overwhelmed. The good news is that it's flexible. You can theme the days in a way that works for you and construct a better sense of fluidity when it comes to "how" you are going to get all the things done.
Good luck and let me know how it goes if you try something like this. Also, please, please, please let me know of any methods or tips that have helped you structure your caregiving time. The "how" of it all still feels impossible on some days so any suggestions are much appreciated!
