Reflections From Life After Caregiving

After almost four years of trying to figure out life alongside of caregiving, I’m suddenly thrust into life without it. Like a car careening to a screeching halt, the abruptness and impact is still revealing itself. I’m picking up the pieces… again… and no sooner had I started to make sense of the ones I was holding do I find myself holding new ones, wholly foreign and equally frustrating. Just as my caregiver life began to click, things changed and my ever quest for stability has shaped-shifted once again.

Last year, around October, I started to really feel like I was gaining a grasp on things.. The years of trial and error eventually led to some clarity around how to be a full-time caregiver. Actually, for the first time in my caregiving journey I felt like I was more than just a caregiver. I had returned to having my own identity with a vision of myself as a maker. I started to identify as an artist and a baker. A maker of things that reflected my journey with time, because more than anything, I had learned how to stand still. I was embracing what I’ve come to think of as the “slow-life” movement.

The monotony of caregiving and its day-in, day-out inertia was a vacuum. It consumed my time and energy and gave me very little in return. The overwhelming feeling of sacrificing my desires for the care of my parents left me bitter, angry that these were my life’s cards. I spent years with that anger, mostly unresolved, because emotionally I was conflicted by love. Love for my parents, love for my partner, and love for the person I was becoming prior to this whole mess starting. Caregiving pit all these loves against each other, forcing me to prioritize them, as if one might have somehow held more importance over the others. I was paralyzed in making pivotal life choices and in that paralysis my frustration grew into rage. My anger seethed and with no place to channel how I was feeling I recoiled into my mind, mentally scheming a way out of this mess. I became a cruncher, a term I’ve identified for how my mind became calculatory. Crunching was the puzzle work of solving my problems and I crunched constantly. I crunched numbers, schedules, and systems, addicted to finding solutions. I crunched in my sleep merely awaiting daylight, so I could just get back to the drawing board to resolve my mess. And I couldn’t settle for just surviving the time. I wanted to enjoy my time and rid myself of the toxicity that was consuming my emotional and mental health.

Long story short, around October of 2018 I started to formulate a plan. All the crunching had paid-off and for the first time in my caregiving journey I had ideas for how I was going to move forward in my own life with happiness. I was ready for caregiving to be a piece of my life, rather than my whole life and I was ready to do that by injecting my interests into the inertia of the job. 2019 Couldn’t come soon enough! I was so ready for a fresh start, so excited to work on this website because this platform was going to encapsulate my new beginning. If caregiving meant a life of isolation then my website would become my vehicle for connection. I realized that if I couldn’t go out and greet the world in the way I craved, maybe I could convince a piece of the online one to come to me. I was ready to do that through food and craft, creating opportunities for interactions. I would post recipes (which are a dime a dozen) but more so I would create reasons for individuals to “visit” me. I prematurely launched the Full Moon Baking Club and Winter Squash Bingo because I was excited. I anticipated them being the cornerstones of 2019 but thrust them into the world early because I was tired of waiting. I had waited nearly four years at this point to feel a sense of myself in my days and finally a sliver of that girl was showing. I didn’t need a specific date or a launch party to validate my readiness. I was ready to hatch, armed with all things related to food, carving, and caregiving that might convince someone to interact with my world.

But then came the abrupt shift, hardly a month into my new found plan. My dad fell on December 14th. I remember it was a Friday. He was gone five days later… His passing was met by the cusp of winter, the government shutdown, and the end-of-year holidays that consume everything that time of year. It was not the most wonderful time of year. Quite the opposite really. And yet 2019 rolled-in, once highly anticipated and now, suddenly an afterthought. There was no fresh start. Instead, 2019 greeted me with a sour taste in my mouth. The bitterness I chocked down from my years before had been replaced by something acrid. The final decree, hamstringing my heart, again to this role of caregiver and stealing my identity once more…

It’s not fair. That’s really all I have to say for myself. It’s just not fair. And never-the-less, it just is what it is… I know people hate that expression but I’m not sure how else make sense of the enormity of grief that encompasses the last four years other than to surrendering to time. I lost my mom, my dad, and my dog. I lost my job, my apartment, and my community… I don’t think the vacuum of caregiving is well understood, which in and of itself is a tragedy. The loss of lives is compounded by the loss of livelihood. Grief alone is heavy but without a social and economical construct to pad the edges, it can push your life to the fringe. The vacuum swallows everything, eroding just about every facet of connection and commonality into something even more incongruous. I am the last person you want at your dinner party. I’m am every bit the definition of your Debbi Downer… Everyone died, I’m unemployed, and too much alcohol will probably bring me to tears... But where I lack in dinner parties, I thrive in pity parties! Other people’s problems serve as respite from my own and I find myself happy to listen to the struggles of others. Not because misery loves company but because pain deserves a voice and after four years of sitting on the sidelines I have found that emotional trauma is dangerous when left unchecked. Luckily my outlets were baking and carving and they will continue to be healthy escapes from a world riddled with malfeasance.

I keep waiting for my course correction. Caregiving has “ended” and I find myself anxious to move on. But Joseph Campbell’s theme of the hero’s journey whispers softly to me that this is hardly an ending. It’s entry into the “abyss”. According to his narrative, I’m only halfway through my caregiving journey because it took four years to get here and it might take four more to recover. The mere thought of this exhausts me but it also gives me comfort. Time has been my one trusted companion thus far so we kinda know the drill. As I mentioned before, I have learned the lessons of staying still. As the clock ticks on with a strange new nothingness, I have mastered the art of waiting cause my life feels perpetually on hold. Something will come… Some job will rescue me from my newly inherited mortgage and other financial burdens but it appears that white knights liberate without time restraints so all I can do is wait. And carve… and bake… and be. Cause life after caregiving isn’t an ending. It’s a blind spot and my only choice is to turn to the sun.

October 2018: Squash + Maple + Walnut Loaf

Sorry for the delay! It took a whole month for me to get this posted here but I promise to do better moving forward. My goal is to have the recipe posted before the coming new moon, giving ample time for all to get their bake on! It also gives me a deadline to work towards. The Full Moon Baking Club is part baking creativity and part time tracking. It’s all in effort to account for the slipping of time. And slip it does!!! Most days I have no idea where time goes but at least this monthly infusion of bread baking will hold a mirror up to the hours.

I also want to thank those of you that joined me. I loved seeing your breads and breaking them with you!

Ingredients

• 1 cup squash puree (I used roasted buttercup squash but can pumpkin can replace fresh squash.)
• 1/3 cup maple syrup
• 2 tsp. active dry yeast
• 4 cups flour (and more for dusting)
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 cup warm water
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

1. In a large bowl, mix together the squash, maple syrup, and yeast.
2. Add the flour, salt, water and walnuts.
3. Mix to combine so the dough starts to come together.
4. Turn out onto a floured surface and knead the dough untils its smooth and well formed (Could take 10 or so minutes.)
5. Place the dough in an oiled bowl, cover and let rise for 1 hour.
6. After the first rise, knead the dough again on a floured surface and then place it into an oiled loaf pan.
7. Cover and let rise for another hour.
8. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F
9. Bake for 35-45 minutes and then cool on a wire rack.

Freshly baked and sliced Squash + Maple + Walnut Loaf from the 2018 October launch of the Full Moon Baking Club.

Disclaimer:

Here’s the thing about homemade bread… It’s great fresh from the oven. Seriously, nothing compares. But later in the week it tends to lose its appeal. The hack for that is heat! You can wrap it in foil with a sprinkle of water and the heat plus moisture will help revive that freshness. Or you can do what I typically do which is make lots of grilled cheese type sandwiches, panzanella salads, and eggs-in-a-hole. There’s nothing like a hot skillet to bring dead bread back to life!

See you soon!

PS- If you are playing Winter Squash Bingo then I feel it’s important to share I used this recipe for #how2ButtercupSquash. ;)

Pumpkin Hand Pies With Fresh Whip Cream

Nothing says Thanksgiving like pumpkin pie with fresh whip cream, but why not give the traditional recipe a holiday boost by making pumpkin hand pies? Hand pies make life easier when it comes to clean-up. No plates, no forks, no knives to messy up when slicing. Just a grab and go snack to help celebrate the season. And just in case you need a little soundtrack for inspiration, allow me to introduce you this gem!

Debi Smith and Doc Watson actually have a song called “Pie”. Ugh… ok! Don’t ask how I came across this but it couldn't be more fitting, especially if we are talking about my Dad. It’s difficult at times posting recipes because he is increasingly picky and often refuses to eat what I make. But... not when it comes to hand pies! I'm honestly not surprised given his tendency towards sweets and their hand-held convenience.  As his dementia's been worsening, he's slowly losing his mobility and competency with utensils.

As for making these pies, just know you have options.  I used this recipe for the dough.  It utilizes cream cheese which compliments pumpkin but also contributed to a soft pastry crust that I knew would be easily eaten. As with many seniors, aging teeth or dentures can be a real deterrent when it comes to food so the softer the better.  You can however use store bought crust if you are short on time or seek out a basic pie crust recipe. Like I said, you have options!

More pumpkin hand pies...

As for the filling... I roasted a Fairytale Pumpkin earlier in the week and wanted to use it up.  You can absolutely use canned pumpkin which might allow you to skip over pre-baking the filling (see below). Using the fresh pumpkin was much too runny in my case and if it's too wet, it will damage the dough.  Don't be afraid to bake the filling first if necessary.

Filling Ingredients:

• 2 cups pumpkin puree
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 1 tsp. ground ginger
• 1/2 tsp. nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 2 eggs
• splash of cream

Directions:

1. Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix well. (If your filling is thick then you can immediately fill your hand pies. I used fresh pumpkin and the filling was very wet. I pre-baked the filling in mini muffin cups for 15 minutes until the custard solidified and used that as my filling.)
2. Roll-out your dough and cut out circles with a biscuit cutter if you have one. (I used a pint glass to cut-out circles.)
3. Roll out each circular cut-out to about 1/8 inch thickness and top one side with some filling.
4. Wet the outer edges of the dough with a little water, fold over, and seal the edges by pressing down with a fork.
5. Brush tops with an egg wash and poke a few holes to vent steam in each one.
6. Bake at 375 degrees F for 20-40 minutes or until the dough becomes a golden brown.
7. After baking, cool on a rack.

When it comes to the fresh whip cream just add a teaspoon of vanilla extract and a teaspoon of powdered sugar to some heavy whipping cream and whip on high until stiff peaks form.  Then dip the hand pies in it until your hearts content!