Everything's Gonna Be Ok

Sometimes there's just no words...  

Let's Build A Dream

Complete this sentence: "When I grow old I...".

It's common to hear "When I grow-up I..." but when was the last time you heard someone talk about their desires for old age. When was the last time you looked far enough into the future so you could see past retirement. I want to know about that version of you. More importantly I want to know more about that version of myself. So, instead of some goals for 2017 I'm setting them for 2047. Let's tack on 30 years and make a daydream for that person. 

When I grow old I'll have long white hair like my mom did. I will live in a rural, small cabin with a small footprint with my love who looks as handsome as the day we met even with the wrinkles. I will be a master gardener and a bee keeper. I will be able to get up off the ground without help and still split my own wood for the oven. The house will smell of fresh bread and the hours will pass with hobbies and craft that reflect a skill that can only be acquired with practice and time. I will have learned patience. I'll be both flexible and strong for my age. I won't be on any medications and I will cook for my friends. I'll take outdoor showers, make up my own sacred rituals, and connect more to the earth than ever before as it will await to receive me in rest.

Cheers!

Clementine + Walnut Tea Cake With Honey

Just this...

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 cups flour
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 2 tsp clementine zest
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/8 cup heavy cream
• 3 round slices of clementine
• 1/8 cup juice from clementine
• 1 egg
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease a bread pan and lay your clementine rings in the bottom
3. Take two bowls and in one add all the wet ingredients and in the other add the dry. Mix both sepretly then combine.
4. Carefully pour the batter into the bread pan (so as not to shift the rings) and bake for roughly 50 minutes until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.
5. When finished baking, carefully remove the bread and cool on a cooling rack.
6. Once cooled you can slice the dome off the "top" and invert the loaf so it rests easily with the celementine rings on full display.

Rainbow Beet Tartine

I am not sure why but lately, all I want is a lush veggie sandwich. This is rare. I'm not much into sandwiches. Unless of-course it's a breakfast version, in which case, I want them all! 

My sandwich aversion comes from a combination of generic fillers and bad bread. They tend to be boring and I want to be dazzled by a sandwich! I want it to feel glamorously indulgent with fun ingredients that go above the call of Subway. Is this too much to ask?!!  And since my generation is becoming the "sandwich generation," a worthy sandwich is a must! According to google, here is the definition:

Sand·wich gen·er·a·tion

noun

1. a generation of people, typically in their thirties or forties, responsible for bringing up their own children and for the care of their aging parents.

Since I personally don't have children I am going to keep this sandy open-faced but you do what you have to do to make it right for you!  Get yourself some bread and start building a good lunch.  Surely, you're gonna need it to get through the next few years.

Tartines with the crust cut off for my old man. 

Ingredients

•1 slice of artisan bread
•4 beets, a combination of 2 gold and 2 red
•1/4 cup loosely packed watercress
•1 tsp softened butter
•1/4 cup ricotta cheese
•2 tbsp of heavy whipping cream
•1/8 cup toasted walnuts, chopped
•1 tsp honey
•1/4 tsp fresh thyme
•pinch of smoked sea salt (or any salt)

Directions

1. Preheat the oved to 425 degrees F.
2. Remove any greens and clean the beets. Place in a baking dish and cover with foil.
3. Roast beets for 35-40 minutes tossing them occasionally in the pan. (It's this mixing of the juices that bring out the rainbow coloring.)
4. Prick the beets to test for doneness. Let cool completely then peel to remove the skins.
5. While the beets cool, whip the ricotta and heaving whipping cream with a hand mixer until stiff peaks form. store in trhe fridge till ready to use.
6. Butter the bread and griddle both sides in a skillet.
7. Spread a small dab of the riccota mix on the bread and then lay down the watercress. (A small amount will help keep the greens in place.)
8. Next you can really add that ricotta. I scooped it out with a spoon and flattened it some.
9. Slice the golden beets and places the slices on top of the ricotta.
10. Drizzle with a little honey.
11. Add the toasted walnuts and a little fresh thyme and sea salt and it's ready to eat!

Toppings: honey, thyme, smoked sea salt, and whipped ricotta

PS- I made that spoon! Mahogany. My first since being in FL.

* The End.

3 Cheese Frittata With Cauliflower And Mushrooms

It seems like it has been weeks now since my dad has eaten anything other than bananas, ice cream, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. His teeth are so sensitive that no matter what I make, he's not interested and with each passing day I worry about his declining weight and lack of nutrition.  I have been searching recipes high and low.  Soups, purees, etc... He's just losing interest in eating and I'm losing confidence in my cooking.  Insert this frittata and together we both stumble a few steps forward.

Slice of nutrition.

Ingredients

• 1/2 head of cauliflower, chopped
• 6 eggs
• 4 crimini mushrooms, medium diced
• 1/4 cup milk
• 1 tbsp ricotta cheese
• 1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, divided
• 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
• 3 tbsp chopped chives
• 2 tbsp dijon mustard
• 2 tsp paprika
• 1 tsp oil or butter (or more if needed)
• salt & pepper to taste

Directions

1. Position an oven rack in the center of the overn and preheat to 357 degrees F.
2. Place the caulifower in a pot covered with water and boil for 4 to 5 minutes until it's soft but holds its form. Then strain and pat dry.
3. While the caulifower is boiling, stir together the eggs, milk, mustard, and paprika in a large mixing bowl.
4. Next, stir in all the ricotta and chives.
5. Add half of the parmesan and mozzarella and mix well to thoroughly combine.
6. On the stove-top, heat an oven-proof pan on medium-high and add the oil or butter.
7. Saute the mushrooms until they brown and release their liquid.
8. Add the cauliflower, to the mushrooms and continue to saute.
9. Allow the cauliflower to brown, then add the egg mixture, patting down the cauliflower so it's evenly distributed without stiring up the bottom.
10. Scatter the left-over parmesan and mozzarella cheese over top and place in the oven for 12-15 minutes until the center is set.
11. Let cool for 2-3 minutes before slicing into wedges.

Finally we have a food breakthrough.  Hopefully there are a lot more recipes to come!

Recipe For Self-Care

Long story short, I need therapy.  And I need it in any form I can get it.  It could be clinical but right now I would welcome any and all forms. Massage, retail, physical, medicinal, smudge stick? They all could work.  Since my mom's abrupt passing, my life has been spinning so fast that I can't seem to tell up from down or right from wrong.  It's all a jumble of voices telling me all the things I should do.  There is no shortage of advice for the grieving but you know what the grieving should do?  Freaking grieve! Ugh, hilarious!!!  I laugh at my own suggestion because a month consumed in the end-of-life aftermath would prove that only a naive person would think our culture allows room for mourning.  No.  There is no room for that so I warn you not to get your hopes up.  Any space you create for yourself in loss is merely a distraction from our cultural demands of filing paperwork, paying lawyers, fighting probate and navigating the system.

“Job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork.”

I used to think the system was flawed and we were a family falling through the cracks but that's not the case.   The system is not flawed.  It's fixed and I realize now that I wasn't a pawn being puppeteered by the masters but rather, I was (and remain) a cog, diligently filing the paperwork and stroking the flame of "progress".  At a later date I might go into more detail about these things but in effort to stay on topic I'll quickly say this; job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork. If you are curious to understand what I mean watch this Ted Talk.  Our situations are different but exactly the same and at this point I struggle with defeat.

See what I mean?  There is a darkness here and I live with it daily.  It's not grief. I wish I had room for grief but I am so consumed with a bitter disgust for the way the world works that I feel I need a complete cleanse of the mind, body, and spirit.  My thoughts are bitter, I feel like crap, and my spirit...  Like I said... Defeat.  To crush the souls of the living I am sure steals magic from the world.  One by one, I can feel the world becoming a dangerous place as those like me take there position alongside the army of the raged.  It's an army of those who feel burned and irrationally waiting to strike, given the opportunity. It's not a good place.  

Therapy.

So, what's the fix? I'm going to try swimming.  For the month of September I am going to practice with the city's master's swim club which is an adult swim program that holds practices daily with a coach. I am hoping I can swim the rage right out of myself and get back to a more forgiving person I am comfortable being.  I am only saying this here for accountability because these days it's hard to hold myself to anything other than pajamas. 

Magic.

I'm also putting faith into all the other magic the world is gonna throw my way. The awesome folks at the Jewelry Studio of Wellfleet sent me an amethyst necklace, symbolic of healing and comfort for the grieving.  What they probably didn't realize was amethyst was my mom's birthstone and purple was her favorite color.  Right now it's so much more than a necklace.  It's a shroud to treat the wounds of a broken heart.  

Magician's hands.

My mom and I, we were just getting started.  Her hands were harbingers with talent and creativity that was unmatched, even against Alzheimer's. For the first time in a long while I felt traction for "promise".  I was embracing the role of caregiver. Re-branding it even... I started to feel the potential and together, I imagined us making great things.  I was just finishing up the foundation when she was stolen from us, a loss that feels like insult to injury.  It's been a raw deal these last few years...  I'm bitter and things are dark but what would you expect after being repeatedly shown that wounds don't heal, they only grow deeper.

Depression is ok to visit but not a good place to live. Thus begins the journey of moving on.  Last night was a new moon which is said to usher in new energy. I'm ready.  I look forward to clarity and hopefully the calm it could bring. I am anxious for some stillness and a twinkle of light...

TLDR: Plan your days by the light of the moon as the sun will never wait for you to catch your breath.

UPDATE 9/21/16: I've been cross posting the details of this journey on Instagram @ashleylook1 under #selfcarerepair.

Sandra Look's Celebration Of Life

Thank you all for your love and support. Celebration of Sandra's life is taking place this Saturday, July 30th, 2016 in Fort Lauderdale with a brief graveside memorial service on Monday Aug 1st. Details are available through the link below.

http://www.barbarafalowski.com/obituaries.html

The How & Why Of Spring Rolls

Why?

Because they are easy, nutritious, and a good "group" activity.  Assuming you are looking out for a loved one and have lingering time on your hands, why not head to the kitchen and gussy up some spring rolls? 

1. They are easy.

I'm always looking for activities that stand to benefit both my mom and I and this one holds-up.  I prepare everything in advance (although depending on the needs of supervision, prep might be something you could delegate) and then the two of us can sit down at the table and roll away.  When going through the motions side by side, my mom, whom has Alzheimer's, can easy follow along. 

2. They are nutritious.

Unfortunately, my mom often can't always eat them due to dysphagia, or complications related to swallowing but anyone without such concerns can go ahead and binge eat their way to good health.  I know that might sound like a tease but you have to remember that we are feeding more than one mouth in this house.  My father's vascular dementia is taking a toll on some of his motor skills like hand eye coordination, so using utensils can be challenging for him.  At least with the spring rolls he can pick them up with his hands and have at them.  It's one of the few ways he can eat "salad".  It's also a fun way to eat vegetables.  I mean, who doesn't love finger foods?

3. They are a good "group" activity.

It can be hard to make time for senior engagement when chores abound but these spring rolls are like a twofer! Getting the ingredients prepped and sitting down at the table and working on them is a surprising win when it comes to time management. We'll have boatloads of healthy snacks and the activity alone is enough to help me feel like we are sharing quality time together.  All too often it's easy to slip into allowing passive entertainment occupy my parents time, which serves no good for any of us.  They are unquestionably bored and under-stimulated (which I personally find to be a triggers for Sundowning) and I face issues of guilt and frustration knowing I haven't contributed meaning to their day.  So, anything I can do that challenges them in new ways proves fruitful regardless of nutrition.

Rice papers

How?

Yes, I know I should have started with "how" but oh well... 

• First and foremost, find some rice papers!  They are typically found in the international section of your grocery store.

Preparation organization

• Prep whatever you want to put in the rolls.  I typically go for a mix of greens, some herbs, crunchy things like carrots, cucumbers, and peppers, and some kind of protein like crushed nuts, hard boiled eggs, chopped cocktail shrimp or chicken. Use your imagination.  You have endless options, just remember that whatever you decide to use needs to fit in the wrappers so cut accordingly.

Spring roll steps.

• Next you're ready to start rolling.  In a medium sized skillet add some warm tap water and place it by your rolling work station.  Working with one rice paper at a time, soak each wrapper in the water until it's completely soft and filmy.  
• Lay the soft wrapper out on a clean surface and add your filling in the middle.
• Fold in the sides first and then the bottom section and roll it right up.
• Dip them in your favorite dressing and enjoy!  We used a store bought peanut sauce but I think any standard dressing could work too.

 I would suggest making all the spring rolls before eating.  Stopping to taste really derails productivity.  You can also store any leftovers in the fridge for a few days.  There's nothing like having a little power snack to get you through the chaos.  The caregiver struggle is real so make sure you're all fueled up! 

Creamy Chicken & Mushroom Soup Recipe

Yes, it's officially summer and soup might not be your go-to meal but most the seniors I know have poor circulation and are frequently cold.  It's also being suggested according to this article that the thermoregulation of body temperature might be a therapeutic treatment for Alzheimer's disease.  Say-what?! This takes comfort food to a whole new level, and what's more comforting than a bowl of soup?  It's also loaded with nutrients and soft on the teeth which is an every growing concern that I am realizing plagues the senior demographic right up there with high blood pressure and dramas with Medicaid.  Some things I cannot fix but I can fix soup. So... Creamy chicken and mushroom for all my favorite seniors this week!

The ultimate care package.

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp butter
• 2 large chicken breasts
• 4 carrots, diced
• 3 celery stalks, diced
• 1 white onion, diced
• 1 1/2cups Cremini mushrooms, sliced
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 tsp dried thyme
• 1/4 cup flour
• 4 cups chicken stock
• 1/2 cup half and half
• 2 bay leaves
• 1/8 cup chopped parsley (and a little more for a fresh garnish)
• 1 sprig rosemary

Directions

1. Place the chicken breast in a pot and cover with water. Slowly heat on medium till they are cooked through.
2. While the chicken is cooking prep the carrots, celery, onion, mushrooms and garlic.
3. In a heavy pot melt the butter. Add the diced carrots, onion, and celery and stir to coat them evenly in the butter.
4. Sautee for several minutes until the vegetables soften and then add the mushrooms, garlic, and thyme.
5. Cook for several more minutes until the mushrooms begin to release their juices, then add the flour.
6. Stir constantly incorporating the flour and loosening any bits starting to stick to the bottom.
7. Slowly add in the chicken stock and mix well. This will deglaze the bottom of the pan and help add flavor.
8. Add the bay leaves and allow the soup to heat into a low simmer.
9. While the soup is heating, carefully remove the chicken breat and place in a large bowl or cutting board. With two forks carfully pull apart the chicken until shredded into small pieces.
10. Carefully add the shredded chicken and the parsley to the soup pot and continue cooking until the carrots are soft.
11. Once cooked through, remove from heat and stir in the half and half and add the rosemary sprig.
12. Return to the heat and warm the soup through but avoid boiling.
13. Once warm, you can serve it immediatly remembering to remove the bay leaves and avoiding the infusing rosemary sprig (which can be discarded before storing any leftovers).
14. Enjoy, hopefully with a friend!

Just #Koolbob

This is a round-up of some favorite shots of my dad from Instagram.  It's not as easy for me to make updates over here but with it being Father's Day, I figured it was the perfect time to archive some #koolbob moments. 

My dad.

#koolbob. A veteran of the Korean War and now fights the war on dementia. As this Memorial Day passes I find that our family remains in hope that#veteran Affairs will hurry its decision to award him VA Benefits.
*
We submitted an application back in January, and by March finally received notice that they had received it. And now, the last day of May, I find I am still holding my breath! "Hurry!!!! We need you! He needs you!"
*
If a picture speaks a thousand words then there are a thousand more in this photo that are lost behind the glamour of social medial. My dad is freshly shaven and styled to perfection which is honestly a rare treat. He is handsome and forever cool and I think the glimmer of what is left of him shines through right here. But he is suffering daily. He is in anguish of the loss of his mind and his independence. It's a painstaking effort to uphold dignity to the caliber that this #soldier deserves but he deserves it! On this #memorialday I continue to hold my breath, cross my fingers, and pray #veteranaffairs REMEMBERS him!

UPDATE: On this Father's Day, June 19, 2016, we continue to wait...

The Man.

People always commend me for undertaking #caregiving but what they don't realize is for one, they give me too much credit and two, they seem to neglect their own capacity to provide #love.
❤️
#motivation to be a #caregiver wasn't a random calling, hollering at me from a street corner. It was more like a nagging voice reminding me I had the ability to make a difference yet waiting patiently for me to act.
❤️
If you had the capacity to change someone's life for the better, would you do it? Of course you would! Because we are not different you and I. Separated by circumstance maybe, but connected in#humanity and a belief that when the time comes for you to step-up, you will. And you will. It's not a question of if? It's just a matter of when. And when "when" comes, you will be relieved to learn that you didn't make the difference. You are the difference!
❤️
FYI: Friends of #koolbob do not worry. This picture was taken months ago and he has quite recovered;)

The Myth.

Behind every good#caregiver is a pot of #coffee. And in my case, this guy, bringing it to me every single morning while I am laying in bed!

The Legend.

Shave and a haircut, two bits!

That's all for now.  I hope all the dads out there are having a great day!

How To Make Yogurt

Have you considered making your own yogurt? It’s surprisingly easy and with a nod towards wholesomeness, I find myself returning to this recipe throughout the year. Yogurt’s ability to be a blank canvas lends itself nicely to exploring seasonal fruit. Don’t waste time with the sugary stuff at the store. Just master this basic yogurt recipe and tailor it to your tastes. Did I mention this is easy? You don’t a yogurt maker. You will however need the following items:

• Sauce pot

• Cooking thermometer

• Mason jar (I use the 1/2 gallon size but you could use a series of smaller ones)

• An insulated cooler ( I use the standard Igloo brand lunch cooler)

Yogurt and fixings.

Ingredients

• Half-gallon of organic full fat milk
• 2 tbsp plain yogurt (organic and full fat)
• 1 tbsp sugar

Directions

1. Add the milk to the pot and slowly heat to 185 degrees F stiring frequently to keep from scalding. You do not want the milk to boil!
2. While it is heating prep your sink basin or a large bowl (large enough to hold your milk pot) with an ice water bath.
3. When the pot of milk reaches 185 degrees F, immediatly remove it from the heat and place it in the ice bath.
4. The tempurature will begin to lower. When it reaches 110 degrees F, stir in the 2 tbsp of yogurt and the tbsp of sugar and blend it well.
5. Next, pour the milk miture into your mason jar(s) and seal tightly.
6. Place the jar(s) in the cooler and complete submerge with hot tap water. If the jar(s) lifts or begins to float, try placing something on top of it like a small plate to hold it under. Ideally you want the milk mixture to be completely submerged.
7. Close the cooler and leave for 7 or 8 hours.
8. After the 7 or 8 hours have passed, remove the jar and chill in the refrigerator for a few hours until cool.
9. Then, eat it! Some folks might want to drain off the some of the separated whey from the top but it's not necessary. You can stir it into the yogurt for more protein!

Yogurt is loaded with nutrients and healthy kitchen crafts are my favorite! It’s full of protein, vitamins, and minerals but it's also worth mentioning that yogurt is a fermented food. Similar to other fermented gems like kombucha, miso, and kimchi, yogurt fosters the growth of healthy gut bacteria which can help restore damages caused by antibiotics. Ugh… yes please!

What do think? Would you attempt making your own yogurt? I encourage you to give it a try. It’s a foundation for all kinds of deliciousness.  

Dutch Baby Recipe with Strawberries

Over the last few months I have been cooking and delivering meals for an 84 year old women with chronic kidney failure that attends dialysis treatments three times a week.  I don't know much about dialysis but what I do know is the treatment is very exhausting with a diet that is highly restrictive.  The first couple of times when making deliveries she would meet me at the door and we would exchange friendly chit-chat.  However, over the last few weeks our exchanges have evolved.  The door is left unlocked, I let myself in, and then set about making my prepared meals comfortable in her refrigerator.  I can tell she is tired.  Sometimes I find her sitting in the dark and fear that's only because she is too weak to stand to turn the lights on. One look at her swollen feet and I know my job is more than providing her with dinner.  I have a self-appointed side duty of providing small but important creature comforts.  Nothing extravagant, as doing so might burden her with conversation she is too tired to have.  Instead I address a few minor things to make her evening a little more comfortable.  I turn a light on, move the TV remote closer and serve her a meal on the seated portion of her walker so that she can eat at a "table" and have mobility when she is ready.  The last thing I want her to do is stand-up.  "Rest Lori, just rest...  I got this".

Unfortunately, I only provide dinner so what's to be done about breakfast you ask?  Well, let me introduce you to the Dutch Baby!  Whereas pancakes require constant standing and supervision, the Dutch Baby is more like a "set it and forget it" version.  It requires few ingredients and bakes in the oven allowing tired feet to rest while you wait.  This recipe is also free from added phosphates which are often found in store bought mixes.  High amount of phosphates in the blood can cause assorted calcium related issues in the blood, tissue, and bones which is a serious concerns for someone dealing with renal failure.

Ingredients

• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/2 cup flour
• 3 tbsp. butter
• 1 tsp. powdered sugar
• 1 cup sliced strawberries
• 1 tsp. granulated sugar

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 450
2. In a small sauce pot, combine strawberries and granular sugar and heat on medium low so that the berries begin to soften in there juices and come to a simmer.
3. Combine the eggs, milk, salt, and flour in a bowl and mix well
4. Heat the butter on the stove top in an oven proof skillet, moving it around trying to coat the pan evenly on all sides.
5. Pour the mixed ingredients into the pan and let cook without stiring for one minute.
6. Carefully transfer the skillet to the oven and bake without opening the door for 15 minutes (the dutch baby will start to rise)
7. After 15 minutes, turn the temperature down to 350 and bake for another 10 or so minutes until the top is well puffed and golden brown.
8. Carefully remove the dutch baby from the oven and dust it with powdered sugar and top with the stewed strawberries.

Something about the crackling sound the Dutch Baby makes when you add the fruit makes me giddy! Throw in the fact that the ingredients are simple, the cooking is low maintenance and it's free from cautionary additives makes this a win, regardless of kidney status. So, go make one and kick up your heels!  The Dutch Baby might quickly become your new breakfast standard.

Mortality, Loss, and Finding Peace

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is emotional torture.  It can be wretched.  Almost violent in its disruption especially when loss comes as a surprise.  Death can be insufferable for those who are left behind and therefore mortality as a topic is generally avoided.  The mere thought of a loved one dying is enough to send the mind to a dark place.  The idea alone causes enough disrupt that it's often saved for private existential moments.   Even then, those thoughts are often stifled  because losses as such produces a hurt that is better to shirk. Such thoughts are depressing at best.

Unfortunately, as a caregiver you are often forced to face mortality head on.  You become keenly aware that time is a gift and death is around the corner.  Alzheimer's is a terminal illness and having two parents with dementia makes it impossible to avoid the gloom and doom that lingers on the horizon.  The worst part is that this disease voices a slow goodbye.  The daily reminder that I am witnessing active death is mentally and emotionally exhausting.  At the same time, it is unavoidable and rather than waste time distracting myself, I have decide to explore mortality and death's inevitability by embracing it as much as possible.  This obviously is not an easy subject to swallow but I have found a few resources that are nothing short of inspirational.

1. What Really Matters At The End Of Life

This Ted Talk video by BJ Miller, a palliative care physician, is a must!  Seriously, make the time to watch it and discuss it with somebody.  It's incredibly thought provoking and provides some relief from the agony that is death and dying.  If you are confused on what is important for yourself or those you are caring for, you can find some comfort here.  He also confirms something I have been thinking a lot lately; that all things can be cured with cookies!

2. Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End

I read this book by Atul Gawande after several suggestions from friends and I am so glad I did.  The stories compiled in this book shed light on the medical industry and the efforts to prolong life at any cost.  It echos the video above but goes deeper into the perspective that quality of life is equally important if not more important than longevity.  Gawande provides outstanding examples of when to let comfort and dignity triumph over prolonged survival and offers a perspective of hope for many facing impossible decisions.

3. Moving On

If you haven't seen this music video stop what you are doing and watch it right now!  It's so smart and creative and beautifully on topic that I almost cry every time I watch it.  Ainslie Henderson is a genius!

 Everyday is a struggle but discovering resources like the ones above are proving to be a source of comfort during, what you can imagine, is a most uncomfortable time.  I believe that anguish in loss is meant to be therapeutic and that heaving cries are part of tragedy's cleanse.  That being said, it's hard to hold on to pain's authenticity when it's the daily norm but to strip ourselves from tragedy's sorrow seems like cheating the soul.  I don't want to distance myself from the pain of this loss as it diminishes the legacy of my parents memory.  Instead I am moving-in closer, finding comfort in an uncomfortable topic, and seeking out new feelings for what end of life means and the emotional grip it holds on my heart. 

5 Steps To A Better Breakfast Sandwich!

There are a few steps you can apply to greatly improve your breakfast game, especially in the sandwich department.  This one goes out to the restaurant I wont mention at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago.  It was bad.  Real bad! And for the love of what should be an easy breakfast win for every kitchen everywhere, I am providing a few crucial steps to building better breakfast sandwiches.

1. Stop toasting the bread! Cover you bread, muffin, etc. with foil and heat it in the oven for a few minutes. It comes out warm and soft and steamy and all fresh baked like.  Toasting bread is for sandwiches that are exceptionally soft and creamy and in need of texture.  If you were scrambling your egg and just adding cheese or using bacon pate (is that a thing?) well, then toasting might be necessary.  It's all about the texture. And this rule applies to all sandwiches not just breakfast.  The texture profile is just as important as the flavor profile!
2.  Bake the bacon. It cooks more evenly and gives you more control over your ideal bacon crispness. No folding or cutting to fit it in your cast iron skillet. That's right! I am talking to you!! YOU know who you are...
3. When it comes to the eggs, keep them yokes runny! Does dipping sauce mean anything to you?!!!  A runny yoke is your breakfast sandwich au jus.  Sure, you can cook your yoke all the way through but when you do, you are changing the general moisture content of the sandwich.  A cooked yoke equals a drier sandwich so you might have to make some adjustments at Step 5.
4.  Keep the cheese traditional! This is not the place to pull out your world class stink.  A riff on an old classic still needs to hold up to classic expectations.  That means the cheese needs to melt!  Some cheeses just don't melt well and you really need the cheese to help hold this sucker together.  This is the glue that keeps every bite going into your mouth and not on your plate.  Do we need to discuss Feta right now?  I don't think so...
5. Lastly, you can glam up your breakfast sandwich with the extras. This is where you can add your signature touch and give your egg sandy some personality. The image above is pretty basic with avocado and hot sauce but this is where your plethora of condiments will shine.  Layer on some tomato slices and a little pesto or tapenade?  (Ugh... I can here you thinking Feta is a must for the Greek version but remember Step 4?!  Crumbly cheeses are a no! What you need is a white melty cheese.  Use Provolone and you get a mild cheese that won't distract from your Mediterranean flavor theme and does a good job holding your sandwich together).

Maybe I am too opinionated so feel free to shut me down here and tell me how you like yours.  I am open, I will listen, and I want to hear! What's your favorite combo?  What are your sandwich demands? Do you have a formula? Tell me, tell me!

Life Auto Corrects...

I have officially been here for one year now.  Wha-what?!  How has it been that long and also a lifetime at the same time?  I can't say that I feel like I have adjusted but at the same time, I have fallen into a routine which is quite telling that I've settled in. Looking back at all that's happened, I realize a single year can act as an eternity and for good reason.  Some things just take time. 

The hardest thing about moving here to care for my parents with Alzheimer's and dementia was the decision to actually do so.  Knowing the vision I had for my future would likely never reach reality was hard to swallow.  Like, chokingly hard to swallow.  I used to have nightmares where I would literally wake-up gagging.  (You can read about that here.) I developed something called Plum Pit Syndrome, a psychosomatic stress disorder that lived in my throat and caused strange episodes of laryngitis that would last for weeks on end.  I also lost about 20 pounds.  These things helped clue me into the fact that it was "time" but really it came down to a single photograph taken by my friend Julie.

How cute is Murphy?!

I spent quite a few nights at Julie's house to avoid the long drive home from Bourne to Wellfleet after teaching Grain & Grain, my bread and spoon carving class.  Those nights typically included wine, tears, and a strategic plan for a new vision of my future.  I absolutely dreaded what I imagined laid before me and desperately longed for a version I could like.  I was overwhelmed by my pending future and it contained nothing but darkness.  The strange thing though was the blindness to my then current reality.  This picture (Not the best. Good job Julie!), complete with striped sweater and bulky blanket with medium sized dog was a sudden wake-up call.  All things which should have added size, somehow made me feel small.  And not just small but frail.  I was losing myself to a battle in which the war had yet to start!

This photo helped me realize my parents weren't the only ones who were sick.  The anxiety surrounding the decision to move, which had been on my mind for roughly two years at this point, was literally impacting my health and deteriorating my quality of life.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) the decision was made for me with a call from Adult Protective Services that came shortly after it was taken.  You can read about how that went down here but I can't help but wonder what would have happened if that call never came.  Would I still be clinging to old dreams, wasting time with procrastination?  Would my parents' health have reached a devastating critical mass?  Would my own health be an issue obstructing my desires of any kind?  I don't know...  But what I do know is that the nightmares have subsided, the plum pit has gone away and my weight has plateaued which is telling that life has normalized. 

The fragility I owned a year ago has given way to a stronger person with clear values if nothing else. There is no room for the weak and I mean that literally.  Lifting my mom off the ground after a fainting spell is no easy task and all 130 pounds of her lifts like the weight of the world.  The weight of my conscience is also gaining strength as this experience has shown me the atrocities of bureaucratic culture and a general lack of dignity for the elderly.  However, I can also say, I have never been more aware of the beautiful resilience of the human condition and the profound reach of the human spirit.  These things were never part of the visions crafted on Julie's couch because these were part of the unimaginable. I never would have guessed...

As for my future, the vision remains blurry and pixilated but with pops of color and structure of something still coming into focus.  After months, even years of living with the hovering darkness of responsibility, I am finally putting some trust in the idea that things are going to be ok.  I am once again, dreaming of a future that is my own and it's a version that I like!  As my wise friend Angela often preaches, "life auto corrects" and we all will be rerouted in the right direction with time.

On Making Things, Especially Excuses...

I have taken a real interest in my mom's ability to create things.  In her heyday she was a florist and often won awards for design.  These days however she needs assistance with everything.  She can't fix her own meals, she struggles dressing herself...  Routine activities are requiring increasingly more supervision, yet somehow she is able to maintain a creative edge.

A girl and her craft.

I am starting to understand her dementia.  She has "moderate to advanced" Alzheimer's and her condition is stealing her logic, but not when it comes to art.  With art, or anything creative, you have to wonder if the impulse contains logic in the first place.  While she can't make decisions and process right or wrong, she still understands color and balance with a beauty that makes sense.  When I am making something I still ask for her input. She can't articulate what something needs or what I need to do in effort to adjust things to the eye but she can still contribute an opinion if I ask questions the right way.  "Should I add this or that? Use a color or stay neutral? Put the detail here or here?" The big picture overwhelms her but when presented with something specific, she knows... 

The Lioness

Her hands manipulate materials and continue to produce exceptional works of beauty so long as I provide them the opportunity. I literally enable the flow of her creativity which is profound at times, especially when I think of the things holding back my own.  Alzheimer's holds her back but what's my excuse?  I wish I could tell you something other than an endless chain of excuses.  Nothing clinical but still, excuses upon excuses and they keep me from the creations that exist in my mind.

So today I have some questions for you.  Who would you be if you stopped getting in your own way?  What would you make or do?  Who or what would you become and what is it that's stopping you?  If we all have the capacity to create, why don't we?  I wonder if your excuses are the same as mine...

Creamy Curry Asparagus Soup

I am realizing that my coping mechanism for stress is cooking.  It's the clock in my routine and also, a vehicle for comfort and craft.  I initially thought all this cooking was somehow for my parents.  That preparing these nutritious meals were the means to their health while securing some level of comfort to our home.  Now, I am realizing the effort is often for me.  It's comfort in the idea of purpose,  encouraging me out of bed so breakfast can meet the table.  A creative outlet that cures boredom and is nutritious at the same time.  Cooking is becoming a meditation.  It grounds me.

Alzheimer's and dementia plays with the mind.  As my parents' memory loss increases so does anxiety, both theirs and my own. The anxiety doesn't discriminate based on a diagnosis. Everyone is fair game, demented or not, and I can sometimes feel panic waving at me from a distance.  As panic creeps in, I cook. Sometimes I even dance and sing. The combination of entertainment and comfort food is enough distraction to curb a moment's unraveling, dismissing the chaos about to ensue.  Apparently, the horrifying sound of my singing voice can bring the room to a screeching halt.  Even the dog stops in shell-shock.  But whatever, I feed him too...

Oddly enough, something about the food and entertainment formula works.  As a caregiver, you cope and provide comfort as best you can, utilizing whatever weapons are in your arsenal.  Mine happen to be food and a knack for the theatrics (or maybe not?).  Weapons aside, my advice for anyone in a similar position is "do what you love, for those you love" and let joy be the creep for a while.  

Now, without further ado, I give you Creamy Curry Asparagus Soup!  

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp oil
• 1 small yellow onion chopped
• 1/2 head of cauliflower chopped
• 1 lb asparagus, ends trimmed and chopped into 1 inch pieces
• 1 1/2 tbsp green curry paste
• 1 can coconut milk
• 2 cups water
• 1 lime
• 1 hard boiled egg, grated
• 1/8 cup cilantro
• 1/8 cup cashews
• 1 scallion sliced on the diagonal
• 1 tbsp plain yogurt
• 1/4 tsp flax seeds
• a zip of sriracha (Optional, and yes, a "zip" is an official measure in my book.)
  Directions

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1. In a large pot heat the oil
2. Add the onions and saute for a few minutes until they soften and become translucent.
3. Add the cauliflower, asparagus, and curry paste, stirring to combine and coat things evenly.
4. As everything starts to cook, keep an eye on things and stir frequently to keep the ingredients from sticking.
5. After several minutes, add the water and a big squeeze of lime and deglaze any bits that are stuck to the bottom. The lime will help with flavor but also assist in maintaining that fresh green color!
6. Make sure the water covers the vegetables. If not add more water so they are just submerged and then simmer until everything is tender.
7. With an immersion blender, puree the soup till it's smooth. (This can also be done in a standard blender in batches after cooling.)
8. After the soup is pureed, bring the temperature back up to just under a simmer and stir in the coconut milk. (Tip: It's good practice not to boil coconut milk.)
9. Taste the soup and make adjustments as necessary. You will probably want to add salt and possibly more lime juice. This is based on preference and dietary considerations if you are watching sodium intake.
10. After adjustments, serve the soup in bowls topped with a scattering of egg, cilantro, cashews and scallions.
11. Add a dollop of yogurt, topped with a sprinkle of flax seeds and a zip of sriracha if you want the heat.
12. Serve it with extra lime wedges on the side in case anyone wants more.

"End scene."

A Cleansing Miso Soup Recipe

Whenever I need a cleanse of sorts, I return to making miso soup. It’s light and earthy which helps ground me when life feels overwhelming. It’s my post-holiday go-to dish when my diet needs a reboot or anytime I’m craving a dose of self-care. You could say it’s my peaceful moment maker where just a few simple garnishes equates to a pot of calm.

My vision of miso soup blurs the lines between soup and tea.  Yes, yes, yes… Technically it's soup but it's so forgiving in it's comfort that it deserves a place in our hearts along with coffee, tea, and other moments of cherished rituals.   Just make the dashi, or stock, you can easily turn out miso soup in minutes!  Below are the details for how I like to make mine.

Ingredients

• 2 large pieces of kombu
• 2 cups bonito flakes
• 6 cups water
• 2 tsp wakame (chop this up while still dry for smaller pieces)
• 1/2 cup of firm tofu cut into small cubes
• 1/4 cup white miso (you can use red but I prefer the white)
• 2 scallions, thinly sliced (garnish)
• 2 button mushrooms, thinly sliced (garnish)

Directions

1. Begin making the dashi, or stock, by soaking the kombu in the 6 cups of water for 30 minutes in a large pot.
2. After soaking, bring the Kombu up to boil and then immediatly remove the pot from heat.
3. Remove the kombu from the pot and discard.
4. Stir in the bonito flakes so they completely submerge.
5. Gently simmer for 5 minutes, then remove from heat and let steep for 15 minutes. (See? It's like tea!)
6. After steeping, strain the dashi through a fine mesh sieve. (Do not press on the bonito flakes.)
7. Return the dashi to the pot and add the tofu and wakame and heat to a gentle simmer.
8. Remove from heat and submerge a fine mesh sieve into the soup to add the miso. (Miso is rather granual and the sieve will help catch any larger bits as you stir it in.)
9. Taste the broth and make adjustments by adding more miso if necessary
10. Serve into bowls (or tea cups?) topping each with a sprinkle of scallions and a mushroom slice.

I encourage you to explore your version of miso soup often, especially after the holidays or any time the stresses of life become too much, and you need to restore a sense of calm. Think of it like a soup meditation where you sip your way to restorative health.

The end.

The Fermented Loaf

Like any bun in the oven, this baby took time and like any expectant mother, I have dreamed about this moment for months.  Well, really just one month 'cause this is just the beginning of my fermented adventures but there is nothing like observing growth and development happening before your very eyes. When a bread pops out of the oven, it's nothing short of a bundle of joy! Occasionally, I even swaddle it and parade it around the house like it's "show and tell". What can I say? It's a mother's love...

For me, bread equals passion and reminds me that Grain & Grain, my bread baking and spoon carving workshops, will likely exist again sometime in the future because it's hard to put passion to rest.  So, kneadless to say (see what I did there?!), bread and I have a bond that cannot be broken.  True love will pass the test of time and I am learning that time is for the taking, aging is not for the faint of heart, and old is equal to gold.  Fermentation is age-related glory and this little loaf gets a gold star for sure!

For the "how-to" back story I encourage you to start here.  It provides all the details on how to capture wild yeast and is an introduction to the world of sourdough.  Once your starter reaches maturity and the wild bacteria has true leavening potential, you will have bread beyond your wildest dreams.

Prep

• 1/2 cup flour
• 1/2 cup warm water
• 1/4 cup starter (recipe here)

In a large bowl mix the above ingredients making a levain then cover and let sit for an hour or two allowing the yeast to acclimate.

Make

• 3 cups flour (and then more for dusting as needed)
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 3/4 cup warm water
• 1/8 cup of molasses (honey or maple syrup also work)

Directions

1. In the bowl with the starter, add the flour and the salt. (Do not stir).
2. In a separate bowl combine the water and molasses and stir thoroughly.
3. Add the water/molasses mixture to the bowl with the flour and mix with a wooden spoon till the dough starts to pull away from the bowl.
4. As the dough starts to come together, begin to knead it slightly with your hand and encourage it along.
5. Once you have a rough dough ball formed you can dump it onto a floured surface and continue kneading. (Note: if your dough is stiff and on the dryer side you may not require much surface flour but if it feels wet, more flour is necessary to keep it from sticking to your hands and your counter top).
6. Knead for a good 10 to 15 minutes to help develop the gluten.
7. Lightly oil a large bowl and place the dough inside, giving it a little toss to slightly coat all sides. Lay it to rest with the seam side down. Cover it with plastic wrap and leave to rest for 6-8 hours. (The wild yeast is less potent than commercial yeast, so time is truly necessary to allow the dough to double in size. I typically make this dough in the evening so I can let it rest overnight and bake it in the morning).

Bake

1. After the dough has doubled, remove it from the bowl and knead it again to degas the dough slightly, dusting with flour as necessary.
2. Shape the dough and place it on an inverted lid of a flat-top dutch oven (something like this). If you don't have this type of dutch oven you can place the dough in a greased bread pan or sheet pan alternatively without a "top".
3. Let it rise covered for another hour or until it doubles in size.
4. Preheat your oven to 500 degrees along with the bottom of your dutch oven which in this case will serve as your "top".
5. When the oven is up to temperature, score your loaf with afew decrative slashes then carefully remove the dutch oven "top" and place it over the dough so the loaf is now inside the dutch oven.
6. Carefully place the inverted pot into the oven and bake for 30 minutes.
7. After 30 minutes, reduce the temperature to 450 degrees, remove the "top" and continue baking for more 15 minutes uncovered, or until the internal temperature reaches 190 degrees.
8. Cool on a rack for an hour before slicing.

*Note: If you are using a bread or sheet pan, you can mimic these results by preheating a baking pan on the lowest oven rack. After you score the bread, place it immediately in the oven and add two inches of water to the baking pan. This will create steam which helps contribute to the crispy crust. Bake for 10 minutes then remove the pan of water and lower the temperature to 375 degrees. Bake for an additional 25-30 minutes or until the internal temperature reaches somewhere between 180-190 degrees.

As a final addition I like to brush the top with butter.  This brings out the sheen in the crust and also adds a little flavor.  I mean, you can't go wrong with butter right?

Recipe for Pork Dumplings

Ok, technically these are potstickers!  The difference between "dumplings" and potstickers comes down to how they are cooked and where they are from. The  concept of dumplings exists across many cultures so things can get a little confusing but let's not complicate things.  Just get to making them and worry about what they are called later.  Once you master the technique you can stuff whatever you want inside, creating a cultural fusion if you like, feeling out your own rogue style that is beyond labeling them anything other than delicious.  So onward friends, and make kitchen magic!

Ingredients

• 1 pack of Goyza wrappers if not making your own.
• 1/4 to 1/2 head of thinly sliced cabbage
• 1 lb ground pork
• 1/2 cup sliced scallions
• 1 small diced hot pepper (I used a Thai red chili but a jalapeno could easily work)
• 2 cloves minced garlic
• 1 inch of ginger peeled and minced
• 1/4 cup finely chopped cilantro

Fill Directions

1. Place the sliced cabbage in a bowl, salt it well and leave it to rest for 20 minutes.
2. In another large bowl combine all the other ingredients and mix to combne.
3. After 20 minutes sqeeze out the excess water in the cabbage as best you can and then add the cabbage to the bowl with the other ingredients and mix well.
4. Pace about 1 tbsp on each goyza wrapper, wet the edeges and fold over sealing the edges by pinching the sides together starting with the outsides and moving toward the middle, placing each finished dumplin on a plate or baking sheet off to the side.
5. Continue until you have run out of wrappers, filling, or you are just over it for the day. It can be time consuming so don't hesitate to enlist help.

Cook Directions

1. In a non-sick fry pan heat a tbsp of oil.
2. Place dumplings one at a time close together in a circle all facing the same direction with the pinched side up.
3. Let it get a good fry going without moving. Then carefully add 1/2 cup of water to the center of the pan and cover so the dumplings can steam.
4. Check on them after a few minutes when the sizzle has calmed down. At this point you might decide more water is needed so they can keep steaming. (This will depend on the size of your pan/batch).
5. After several minutes of steaming and the dumplings are cooked through you can carefully remove them to a plate. A fun trick is find a plate or platter larger than your pan. Place it over the pan and carefully flip them out. With a little adjustment they will maintain the ring shape so you can house your dipping sauce right in the center... A presentation crowd pleaser!

Sauce Directions

• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1/4 cup rice vinegar
• Juice of 1/2 lime
• 1 tbsp honey
• clove garlic minced
• 1 tsp finely chopped cilantro
• 1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes (optional)

Combine all the ingredients and mix well. Adjust slightly for taste.

If you are feeling intimidated by the folding process or want to make your own wrappers, I encourage you to watch this video.  As a lover of all things dough and a desire to explore the tactile side of this dish, I was slightly obsessed with the first four minutes.

Good luck!